Heartbeats

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.

Lessons

I haven't posted in over a month. A lot has happened and it will take time to digest it all and move on.

For the last six months I had a new hope, something to keep me going, something to look forward to. I had so much invested into my trip, mostly emotionally and even though it was the right trip to take at the right time in my life, it turned out to be a "lesson learned".

Lessons

1. If something(one) seems to good to be true, it is. I should have known this but yet mistake made again.



2. Don't plan love, if love is in your path it will happen when you least expect it. Once you start planning it, it is already over before it begun, it wasn't meant to be.



3. If the one you are attracted to says things to you that you are not ready to hear yet, it's a red flag. It might feel good but real emotions surface at the right time and you will know when that time is. You will know when the other person is sincere even if you don't feel the same because empty words are just that, empty. Some people get too infatuated too fast and it always ends abruptly and painfully.



4. If something doesn't feel right, let it be a warning of more drama to come. If the one you like is difficult before you even had the chance to go through the "honeymoon" phase, there will most certainly be more of that the further you get into the relationship.



5. This may sound really pessimistic but don't believe everything you are told, even if you really really really wanted to hear it. There should be something solid, a foundation that all promises are based on. I think I believe in love from the first sight but the lesson that I learned is that any non-casual intimate relationship that is worth pursuing should spin off a friendship.



6. Let the other person get to know you and like you as a person before any signs of intimacy are exchanged.



7. This might be a big blow to the online dating industry but relationships that start via monitor and an IM window don't work. I won't elaborate any further and some of you will perhaps argue with me but this is how I feel. I will not start any relationship (friendship or otherwise) online ever again.

I am a lost soul searching for my anchor. Every time I think I found something I can hang on to, something that feels real, I realize that it is only an illusion. I am not heart broken but I am hurt. Let all these lessons make me stronger, even though with all the strength I gain from painful experiences my heart turns more and more into ice.

Yet I still believe,

I still believe.

Where is all this coming from you may ask. I am not ready to discuss the painful details just yet but perhaps I will use bits and pieces of my pain as future topics that will make everyone think. I don't know to how many of you my words relate on a personal level but if there is at least one person who feels what I try so hard to bring out from my heart and onto the screen, I thank you.

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 12.17.07

Apple Aksinya aksinya работа. плачу. работаю. снова плачу. плачу. пытаюсь работать. всё ещё. 3

Ann nearbird хочу колы, секса и новое платье.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru самый страшный звук в серверной - тишина...

dkemper dkemper Twitter is going under the knife.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Лень — когда ты точно знаешь, что у тебя на компе это есть, но так лень искать, что легче скачать. ...

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @BBSoD ой к сожелению Машу довели!!!!

BBSoD BBSoD @myVision Маша?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision все мои так-называемые подруги в Москве меня заебали - пошли они все на хуй!!!

Number One numberone bash: Едет веб-мастер в поезде и слышит: < td> < /td > ... < td >< /td > ... < td >< /td > (улыбнуло) ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Я не пристёгиваюсь в своей машине, потому что краш-тест 9ки гласит, что водителю п#здец в любом случае. ...

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пришел спам с темой «Руководство по эксплуатации человека человеком». Мне уже страшно. ...

Apple Aksinya aksinya благодаря TOP20 от @myVision я наконец прочитала, что @BBSoD влюбился! опачки : ))))

Fluffy uvicbunny playing with Fluffy. And I don't mean myself.

Paul Short paulshort If life were fair I'd be twittering from somewhere where little umbrellas in drinks are mandatory.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru По морде будильничьей вижу - готовится, сволочь, звенеть...

basvasilich basvasilich Иногда мне кажется что мой макбук умнее меня... сука...

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Твайумать, а я так и не ел.

Anna Volkova Neta_insane #thought выбрасывая просроченные таблетки, ловлю на мысли что и у некоторых отношений очень короткий срок годности. ...

Evan Williams ev Renewing twitter.com. (Um, yeah, I think maybe not letting it expire is a good idea.)

а меня Маша зовут... myVision любовь это нетерпение, жажда, невесомость, интимность, опознание нового, желание ...

My Social Networking User Testimonial

I wrote this testimonial as a part of the web 2.0 presentation we are doing tomorrow for the President and the Chairman of the company.

"I originally got involved into social networking for the purpose of locating long-lost friends. It was summer of 2006 and Myspace (myspace.com) was huge at the time. It gave me an opportunity to have my own private virtual high school reunion.

Since then I tried a few different social networking sites and they all had similarities but definitely were targeted towards different audiences/target market. I found Myspace to be very juvenile after a while so I decided to look elsewhere to socialize on the web. So I discovered Twitter (twitter.com). I loved it immediately for its non-committal way of blogging, aka micro-blogging (140 characters max). Twitter is a way for me to describe my state of mind, share and research helpful information, stay current on the new trends related to my life and career, and network globally. I became a twitterer in March 2007 and since then it became a part of my everyday life. My morning coffee is just not the same unless I read through the twits I missed while I was sleeping."

Phones. Future.

It's so funny to think that there used to be a time, not all that long ago, when having a mobile phone was not common. In 1997 when pagers were huge, only one person i knew had a celly. It was big and bulky, barely fit in his pocket, but boy, he was so cool for having it. It was an overpriced "chick-magnet".

I am not a jealous but a practical person, so I always thought it was cool to have a phone but in reality using the pay phone was not all that bad. They were everywhere and unlike today they were a "convenience". I think now using a pay phone would be just the opposite, incredibly inconvenient. Pay phones were gross, dirty, and smelled bad but if you had a quarter you could easily call anyone locally, long distance was another story.

When you picked up the receiver, you pushed out the thought of who else has done god-knows-what to the same device as far out of your mind as possible. One time I saw a condom pulled over the thing. I remember someone telling me that when all pay phones had the ability to be called back, they were also personal offices for prostitutes.

The phone booths were also famous for graffiti. Almost every one had phone numbers, naughty drawings, and gang signs all over. I wonder how many people actually called one of those numbers and made a decent connection, not many I presume.

I got my first cell phone in 1999, it came with a free gift of Round Table Pizza coupons and Titanic VHS. Yes those were the days. VHS! Can you believe it?

I think I had 4 phones since then and I don't have an iPhone yet but it is on my list of things to buy in 2008. It's so amazing how a big, bulky, overpriced mobile phone was "so cool" in 1997 and now the iPhone is something out of the future...

...wait a minute, this is the future and as I heard in a Spongebob episode, "Everything is chrome in the future!"

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 12.5.07

i heart quotes iheartquotes After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Честное слово, заебали уже со своим айфоном

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Мне похуй на iPhone

Girlsnap babygirlxo @myVision: your new avatar kicks twitter ass

Chris Wetherell cw Walking the fine line between belief and delusion. Not easy to do sober.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Реальный п#здец это когда на вопрос "Серёга, чё вчера со мной было?" тебе приходит ссылка на youtube.

Ann nearbird обедаю бутербродом с брынзой и овощным соком. тяжелые настали времена, эхх. сейчас бы мяяяяса.

i heart quotes iheartquotes This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM А я не пошел на выборы. Я буду гореть в аду?

Apple Aksinya aksinya улыбаюсь вовсю)))))))

Shafiq Jetha sjetha The best thing about Canada? Lack of smokers.

Shafiq Jetha sjetha Leaving makes me sad. Goodbyes make me sadder. :(

FanXFire FanXFire закомплексованные девушки, не верящие в свою красоту - иногда они раздражают. ...

Anna Volkova Neta_insane #feel I thought you can't love. I was wrong. You can. You just can't love me. Хорошая мысль. Правильная.

Jim Dunn jimdunn Oh dear. My wife wants a Blackberry for X-mas. We can use it to look up marriage counselors.

classx classx сегодня в маршрутке кто-то пытался через синий зуб взломать мой телефон...грубо работаете товарищи... ...

hochu_na_ruchki hochu_na_ruchki Никто не знает женщин хуже чем они сами.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Готовлюсь к мучительной смерти. :)

Todd Kelley toddkelley Why am i addicted to commenting on @myVision blog? STOP WRITIN' GIRL!!!

а меня Маша зовут... myVision I can be really depressed or really happy or simply realistic, being realistic and happy at the same time is a challenge however

Too Sexual?

Can a woman be too sexually persuasive? So much that it can turn a man off?

It seems to me that some men choose women who are shy and others like the flirty girls. I am sure that when picking a wife the criteria is much different than when picking a one-night stand, but even then some men contrary to enjoying a sexually aggressive woman in the bedroom don't choose to take her home to meet mom. Another man gets scared when a woman wants sex more often than him. There seems to be a delicate balance that is individual to all love affairs. There can be too much of a good thing and the key is to keep it at a level when it is just enough for both lovers.

Listen to yourself and listen to your lover. Listen to the body language. Learn to love and be loved in a a gentle and natural way. When we start thinking too much about chemistry it gets too complicated and becomes rehearsed. Sex should be natural and uninhibited. When you are with the one you are meant for, too much will be not enough, it's love after all.