The Breakup

Today I got broken-up with and not the usual kinda break-up way. It wasn't even a guy it was a girl who I, up until today, considered a good friend.

We weren't best friends, as a matter of fact when I first met her I didn't want to be friends with her at all, but over the course of last 6 months she grew on me. We went through a few hard and good times together and even though we are very different we found a common language.

She is simple and always positive, I on the other hand am very complicated and have a lot of bad days. She is not well spoken nor educated but a kind, good person and an even better mother. That is something that we shared - we are both single mothers of the same age. Our situations are very different but at the same time the amount and the significance of our differences drew us towards each other. Something just worked.

I can't say that I fully knew her, I understand now that I definitely didn't but her good heart made me overlook her ignorance. I accepted her just as she was and only expected the same in return. Up until today I had that.

I don't know what I did to make her break our friendship but it must have been significant or maybe I am just the kind of person who doesn't burn bridges. I always give people a chance to speak their side and most likely another chance.

We were fine yesterday, now that I replay everything that took place last night I guess I see some red flags but they are by no means enough to kill a friendship.

Here is what happened:

She started seeing some guy about 2 weeks ago. I know she really wants to have a boyfriend but I am almost inclined to think that the desire overpowers her common sense. I should have just stayed out of it but as a friend I warned her that certain aspects of this guy's personality (based on what she told me about him) were peculiar to me and went against my "dateable" standard. I didn't push my opinion, just warned her to be careful since she recently had a traumatic experience. We talked on the way home from work and everything seemed fine. She asked why I seem a little indifferent today and I explained that I am just in an i-don't-give-a-fuck kind of mood. When we got off the train we parted ways and made a plan to call each other later. I was very tired. When I got home I laid down and shortly was near sleep when something told me to check my e-mail. My inbox indicator told me that I have one message. Her and I belong to the same social network and what I saw in my e-mail is that the guy she is seeing sent me a message via that network. I found it a bit strange since I never seen nor talked to the guy but went ahead and read his words which simply greeted me and asked me how I was. I didn't reply, stepping on my friend's toes is never an option in my book, those guys are of no interest to me whatsoever - the quality of my character I wear with pride. I decided to send her an sms and tell her that her guy is messaging me, hey us girls should stick together, right? Well I am not sure what really happened after that.

Here is the chain of sms:

me: hey your guy is messaging me via ***
her: you should reply to him
me: ok I will tomorrow
her: are you busy?
me: a little, watching TV with my son
her: ok are you busy?
me: if I don't fall asleep I will call you later

I had no intent to call her, I was beat.
This morning she didn't call me as usual (we ride to work together). I thought that maybe she isn't going to work and sent her and sms which went unreplied. Sent a few more of those and left a couple of voice-mails - all went unanswered. I found it strange since this girl is a known bugaboo.

Here is the next set of sms:

me: are you ok? I am worried. Why are you not calling me?
her: don't worry. I just don't want to talk to you
me: what did I do to you?
her: nothing
me: why are you mad at me?
me: you owe me an explanation
me: I was nothing but a good friend to you
her: good friends don't do what you did. Friendship is over.
me: fine I won't write or call you anymore but just think that maybe you are making a mistake

Then I saw a notification that she deleted me of the friend list on the social network.

And just like that the friendship is over.

Pain is no longer mine

I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.

Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.

It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.

I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.

I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.

Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.

I think I will be alright.

Don't hate the Player, hate the Game

How it starts
Two people get in contact and find themselves interested in one another. In today's world this happens in a number of ways (below are the most common ones):

• random meeting in person
• coworkers taking it outside the office
• friends who take it one step further
• finding an old classmate / friend / love interest online (i.e. myspace)

Personal information gets exchanged and so the game begins.

"to contact or not to contact"
Once one person has the other persons info (mobile, email etc) the first most obvious game is "to contact or not to contact". Since we are talking about two people who are attracted to one another, chances are the contact will happen to get the feel of a possible affair, relationship etc. There have been really strange cases when this didn't happen but that's another post ;)

"the business card"
One contacts the other and most commonly the first conversation is lengthy flirtatious, and amusing. They talk, laugh and build up an image of themselves for the other person. This is not the realistic persona, it's the made-up one that exaggerates the good qualities and hides the bad. We'll call this game "the business card". Topics that are discussed vary in theme (outlooks on life, career, family etc). Most of the things that are said are either bullshit or they are said cautiously with the hope of the other party understanding and relating. I think that this is a critical part of the new relationship because this is where the boundaries are drawn or erased and walls are built or broken.

"true or false"
They've been talking for a week or two and the relationship is moving along. They email, talk on the phone, and if the relationship is not long-distance go on dates. Instead of them getting to know each other, they are really playing the game of "true or false" and here is where each one analyzes the "business card" persona and decides just how much of it is fake. This can last weeks or even a couple of months (depending on frequency). After finding out the negatives hidden behind the "business card" they each make a decision if the other person is worth their time and if they choose to continue the relationship they have to accept the other's flaws. That can be difficult.

"1 out of 2"
A couple of months have gone by and they are seeing the actual person underneath the "business card" and the attraction. This is a critical part to a relationship because it can get boring and grow cold. A number of games are played during this time but we will unite them under one title "1 out of 2". They are not single anymore, each is a half and if the relationship is working they come together and become stronger, happier, productive. If you are blessed with that kind of a relationship it could very well lead to real love and marriage. Let's face it, usually this is not the goo-goo gaa-gaa as I was making it sound, usually here things get rocky. This happens mostly because the initial lust have subsided and they are both wanting to bring it back so they start to play:

• ones calls don't get answered, or there is too much time in between
• the IM status gets set to "away" or "busy" just to make the other person wonder "wtf?"
• accusations of cheating thrown in each others face just to see how the other reacts
• already asked questions get asked again for reassurance stirring up frustrations
• mood changes, they are all of sudden not that happy to see each other and those negative traits that they each have accepted in "true or false" and previously hidden by the "business card" are now the source of irritation

I can go on with the list but I will end this post here. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but I write from experience. This sort of a relationship (if you can even call it that) has happened to me a number of times and after dissecting the circumstances of its ending, I realized that each one had a different reason for falling apart. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe it's my purpose to experience heartache and share it with my readers but I do know that I deserve to be loved and I am hoping that one day I will meet a man who will be honest and melt the ice that has covered my heart by warming it with love, understanding, sympathy and tenderness. The man who will accept me for who I am and there will be no need for games.