An American Gentleman

Do men still have manners?

American culture or more so lack there of... I have lived in the United States for the most of my life but never got used to men not having manners. In my culture the vast majority of men know how to treat a lady. Sure those guys can be jerks and possess many other negative qualities but I guarantee they will all open the door, pull out a chair and help the woman into the car. Russian men will take it as a disrespectful gesture if the woman even tries to pull out her credit card, while in America women who demand that kind of a treatment are considered golddiggers. Personally I am appalled by the lack of respect towards the female part of American society.

Commonly American men use this phrase as an excuse for their poor upbringing; "women fought for their independence and the right to vote and such, so they should take care of themselves". Excuse the fuck out of me but if you, the man, ask me to join you in a restaurant and we are not buddies why should I worry about the check? If you, the man, offer to give me a ride why should I struggle to squeeze into your car. If you, the man, see me, the woman, walking within a few feet of you, why can't you just hold the damn door open for me and let me walk in first? The list is neverending really... And please, guys, those ones of you who consider yourself well-mannered, think twice about that if you act like a gentleman and then expect a favor in return. I guarantee that all the poor mothers of these men always broke their back for their fathers and never even knew what it's like to be a lady.

I strongly believe that women should have many rights that men do but I am not denying that we are the "weaker sex". I personally can't fix a car and don't feel that I should but if I'm driving with a man and my tire pops his response shouldn't be; "let's call AAA". Women already work full time jobs and often enough are the heads of the household but that doesn't mean that a man should act like a bitch.

I am really not trying to piss you guys off, simply letting you know that I have no room in my life for ignorance.

The Mars, the Venus and the Home Ec

Sometimes I think guys are so simple it's hard to understand them. We, women, always expect for everyone around us to make well-thought-through decisions, meaning one would need to analyze all the facts and think about the consequences before leaping forward. We really overestimate the males around us, always wondering to ourselves; why did he do this? what is he thinking? The truth is that he did it because he was thinking with his 'other head' and he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself when he did it. To know more about a man's psyche is to not try to get inside of it. It is what it is, he didn't think his decision through so why should we be trying to dissect his brain, everything is on the surface. Think simple ladies.

Men don't think with their head, on the contrary they think with their anatomy and heart. They make their decisions purely based on emotion for the purpose of gaining immediate results. Women, on the other hand, tend to overthink everything. We want to figure it out and then talk about all the pros and cons. Men don't like talking, they are action-makers.

Men are like babies, they need love and nurture, they are not meant to live alone, while a lot of women are very comfortable being single. Nobody likes it but we just cope with loneliness better, after all we were taught the home-ec skills in middle school. I even noticed that in multi-children families boys get babied more. A boy always has females around him starting with his mother and eventually leading to wife and maybe even daughter(s). Women spoil the other sex with all the warmth and attention and then we wonder why is it that men expect their wifes to cook and clean. Well the reality is that the ones that have those expectations are the ones whose mothers were housewives and babied the hell out of them. While men grow up prepared to stand their corner and hunt for food most of them don't know what to do with what they hunted so tirelessly.

Some roles have changed; men learned how to cook, clean and do laundry and women picked the head of the household title and went to work, but the bottom line is the nature of the sexes will not change. Women will always be the nurturers and keep spoiling their men and men will keep taking it for granted only realizing the concept of household-survival once the woman is no longer there to keep it up.

Don't hate the Player, hate the Game

How it starts
Two people get in contact and find themselves interested in one another. In today's world this happens in a number of ways (below are the most common ones):

• random meeting in person
• coworkers taking it outside the office
• friends who take it one step further
• finding an old classmate / friend / love interest online (i.e. myspace)

Personal information gets exchanged and so the game begins.

"to contact or not to contact"
Once one person has the other persons info (mobile, email etc) the first most obvious game is "to contact or not to contact". Since we are talking about two people who are attracted to one another, chances are the contact will happen to get the feel of a possible affair, relationship etc. There have been really strange cases when this didn't happen but that's another post ;)

"the business card"
One contacts the other and most commonly the first conversation is lengthy flirtatious, and amusing. They talk, laugh and build up an image of themselves for the other person. This is not the realistic persona, it's the made-up one that exaggerates the good qualities and hides the bad. We'll call this game "the business card". Topics that are discussed vary in theme (outlooks on life, career, family etc). Most of the things that are said are either bullshit or they are said cautiously with the hope of the other party understanding and relating. I think that this is a critical part of the new relationship because this is where the boundaries are drawn or erased and walls are built or broken.

"true or false"
They've been talking for a week or two and the relationship is moving along. They email, talk on the phone, and if the relationship is not long-distance go on dates. Instead of them getting to know each other, they are really playing the game of "true or false" and here is where each one analyzes the "business card" persona and decides just how much of it is fake. This can last weeks or even a couple of months (depending on frequency). After finding out the negatives hidden behind the "business card" they each make a decision if the other person is worth their time and if they choose to continue the relationship they have to accept the other's flaws. That can be difficult.

"1 out of 2"
A couple of months have gone by and they are seeing the actual person underneath the "business card" and the attraction. This is a critical part to a relationship because it can get boring and grow cold. A number of games are played during this time but we will unite them under one title "1 out of 2". They are not single anymore, each is a half and if the relationship is working they come together and become stronger, happier, productive. If you are blessed with that kind of a relationship it could very well lead to real love and marriage. Let's face it, usually this is not the goo-goo gaa-gaa as I was making it sound, usually here things get rocky. This happens mostly because the initial lust have subsided and they are both wanting to bring it back so they start to play:

• ones calls don't get answered, or there is too much time in between
• the IM status gets set to "away" or "busy" just to make the other person wonder "wtf?"
• accusations of cheating thrown in each others face just to see how the other reacts
• already asked questions get asked again for reassurance stirring up frustrations
• mood changes, they are all of sudden not that happy to see each other and those negative traits that they each have accepted in "true or false" and previously hidden by the "business card" are now the source of irritation

I can go on with the list but I will end this post here. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but I write from experience. This sort of a relationship (if you can even call it that) has happened to me a number of times and after dissecting the circumstances of its ending, I realized that each one had a different reason for falling apart. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe it's my purpose to experience heartache and share it with my readers but I do know that I deserve to be loved and I am hoping that one day I will meet a man who will be honest and melt the ice that has covered my heart by warming it with love, understanding, sympathy and tenderness. The man who will accept me for who I am and there will be no need for games.