And Then There Was None

I wrote about my friend who was pregnant.

Today I took her to the hospital. She had a miscarriage. She lost the baby.

I was driving her to the hospital and she lost it right there in my car. She is so strong, screaming in pain and still trying to crack jokes.

She wanted that baby, if no other reason then for her daughter to have a sibling.

She is alone, in her soul.

I am sad.

Sad.

Single Mom

My very close friend is pregnant. She is not married and sadly boyfriendless as well. When she first told me that she was with child we discussed her options and abortion was not one of them.

She had a one night stand with the man who is gonna be the father of her baby. He is not interested in being a part of her nor baby's life. I don't judge because shit happens to everyone, not that I should be calling a child-in-the-making shit. I have made a ton of stupid mistakes myself (probably will make a ton more) and when I see a friend in a sticky situation I try to be exactly what I am supposed to be, a friend, not a probation officer.

When she first found out about her pregnancy, she was scared and vulnerable which is very unlike her, unusually strong and optimistic girl. Well now she is 3.5 months along and is showing. Her belly looks like she swallowed a little pumpkin.

Yesterday she started bleeding and went to the hospital. The doctors said it doesn't seem to be a miscarriage but they are not sure what is going on. I was and still am very worried. What makes me sad is that she is all alone. She is a strong woman and knew what she was getting herself into, having this baby without a father, but it is still very sad. In times like this the man should be there with her in the hospital, holding her hand, showing support.

I want to have more kids and am ok with being a single mom (I already am one), but when I think of going through the process of pregnancy, birth, and raising a small child, I know that I don't want to do it alone. The first year of the baby's life is by far the hardest (my son is 8 and I don't know how hard his teens ahead are gonna be). I guess if I don't meet the man who would be my husband and a good father to any kids we might have together, I won't be having children.

Deep sigh

Tears

I always feel helpless when I see someone crying, especially a stranger. They are everywhere; walking down the street, standing on the corner, riding on the train. They are always women, never really seen a man cry in public, don't really want to. Sometimes there is someone there consoling her but most of the time she is alone, so lost in her own grief, so blinded by the tears.

I see the pain all over her face, her eyes speak volumes. She lost someone, was betrayed, disrespected, offended. She lives in this moment but she can't separate herself from the anguish of what's gotten her here, what triggered the tears rolling down her cheeks. The painful fire is in her eyes but it comes from deep within, all the way from her core, her soul. Her emotions are overpowering and she could care less if anyone is watching. She wants to drown in the pain and not exist right now. How could this happen to her? Why is the world so cruel?

I always wonder what it is that she is going through. I can't help her. I won't smile and try to look sympathetic. I will briefly glance out of the corner of my eye and look away, giving her privacy but my thoughts are on her, with her. I am mentally embracing her pain and selfishly thanking God that right now I am not her. One day it will be me and if you see me hurt and crying please don't stare, let me deal with my pain as it rolls over me, just let me be.