Heartbeats

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.

Crash

Is it better to crash and burn or never to crash at all? One would think it's a stupid question. Seriously, why would somebody wanna crash? But what if right before the crash, you were given what you were longing for? Would you still not go for it? I am not speaking in terms of life and death but more on the lines of analyzing the phrase so familiar to all of us. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Do you think any different about my original question now? Would you crash for love?

This question has been on my mind for a while, and God knows I banged my wrist simulating a "crash" enough times to hurt myself. What do I think you may wonder. Well dear reader, knowing my nature, even though I can name a million reasons for being safe and sane, I am neither, and I know that even if I convince myself to not get in that horrible accident also known as a "broken heart", I will do it anyways just because love and anything that has to do with it is my drug of choice. I will fall and fall till I hit that ground. I will lay there hurting, with tears streaming down my face, burning me on the surface, burning from within. I will lay till I can peel myself up and then I will get up and walk again knowing that it is my destiny, and my destiny is to write beautiful words about my pain, to blog my heartache. I will walk having experienced what others only wish of. I will walk.