Hitting 30 - A Birthday Post

So tomorrow is my 30th birthday which at first drastically depressed me. Normally I am not the kind of woman to get embarrassed by numbers; age, weight, height - it is what it is, who cares. This time around the age thing got me down just a little. I will no longer be in my 20s, I will now officially be a grown woman. Of course I have been a woman for a long time since that title is not really age but maturity based. One can be a total immature idiot at 30 and still act like a little girl, it is however more logical to refer to a younger girl in her 20s as a woman than a woman in her 30s as a girl.

I asked myself a question: what will the 30s bring?, which got me thinking as to what the 20s dropped off in my life. Actually that brought a smile to my lips. I accomplished a whole lot during the last decade.

So here it is, the accomplishments of the 20s era: when I was...
...20 I moved to San Francisco, started college, got pregnant.
...21 I had a baby, my wonderful little boy named AJ. I never stayed home after birth, kept going to school. I also became a U.S. citizen.
...22 I decided on my major and started going to school full time. 9/11 happened that year.
...23 I kept working my ass off at school.
...24 I won 3 awards for my design work. I graduated with a BFA in Computer Arts/New Media. I started my own business.
...25 I got my first REAL job where I still work!
...26 I advanced from being a web designer to department manager within first 2 months.
...27 I officially got promoted to Web Development Manager.
...28 I became involved deeply in the internet and it's webs. I fell in love. I embraced my Russian roots. I reunited with my childhood friends. I went back to Moscow for the first time in 10 years.
...29 I nursed my bleeding heart back to numbness just to realize that a few words from the one who broke it make it bleed all over again. I consolidated my credit cards and started to live on a strict budget. I got myself mentally ready for the 30s...did I?

If my 30s can even come close to matching my conquests of the 20s it will be fantastic. Here are some goals I have for the next 10 years:

1. Get out of debt!


2. Move to a home I would love to invite friends over to.


3. Refurnish and decorate my home.


4. Become a Creative Director!


5. Have an office with a door.


6. See my son graduate High School and go to college - OMG sob sob!!!


7. Find inner peace even if it doesn't include a man in my life.


8. Go on at least 1 vacation abroad every year (once I pay off my debt of course)


9. Have at least one more child, preferably 2.


10. Get married - not sure if this will happen

Wassup With Me - 07 / 23 / 08

What has been going on with me? What hasn't. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, luckily never reaching it's peaks. I coasted through.

There were: old (yet still there) love, new and old friends, men, good food, alcohol, cigarettes etc. I couldn't come up with one topic to write about just because there was too much going on. It is kind of like watching Jurassic Park, you just know something is going to jump out at you from behind almost every corner.

Tomorrow I am going out to a really big party and on Saturday I very possibly be singing to a karaoke. For now I am just contemplating many things and once my thoughts are clear I will put them on your computer screen.

Good night.

Moving and Moving On

I am a total mess today. There is so much going on in my life I am having a hard time processing it all. Ok I am gonna roll back and start where my last post left off...

So I got back from my trip and was licking my wounds. They are still healing but I have definitely moved on from the mishap of the New Year, basically shit happens and it was a lesson learned.

The problems that gloomed over me before never disappeared and became even more disturbing, so 2 days ago I found myself in a place I have never been before, I made a solid decision to get a fresh start. I am looking for a new place to move possibly. I don't know how it will all work out but it is sure worth a try. I feel that if I stay in my apartment my life will never change. I need to do something drastic to force myself to accept the direction my life needs to go in...which kind of brings me to the next point...

Yesterday I was talking to a guy-friend of mine on the late night, we were both not-sober so the topics of our conversations held no barriers. He told me about his romantic adventures, which put a little ping in my stomach even though I have no reason to get jealous, non at all except for the fact that he verbally resembles the kind of man I want to be with, but oh well, never was mine so no reason to be upset. Actually I respect him being real and telling me the truth, so many men do just the opposite...shit women do that too..ah we are all guilty of being liars for selfish reasons. Anyways after he confessed his part he asked me; "wassup with your personal life?" and my answer was "I don't have any". Sad as it may sound it is indeed true, and that is the reason I need to embark on a new journey. Need to be independent and embrace the freedom of my upcoming 30s.

To all my readers I apologize for not writing too often but I will try to improve that. Thanks for your support and keep me in your prayers.

A Good Friend

What makes a good friend? What is the criteria we use to choose our circle of friends? And when does an acquaintance crosses into the friend zone?

I think we all choose our acquaintances based on our needs, primarily the need for companionship. Other unifying factors which play a role in people-choosing are common interests and character compatibility. I am using big words here but what I am trying to say is that in a friend we seek a person who can make us laugh, is not judgmental, and helpful when the times are rough. An acquaintance becomes a friend when they learn something about you that is not so pretty, and it doesn't make them turn away but instead it brings you closer together because the imperfections are what makes us and our relationships real.

A good friend is the one who will be there for you regardless of how much of a fool you made of yourself. A good friend will tell you when you are wrong but at times when you need someone to see things the way you see them, they will. A good friend will tell you it's ok even though you both know it's not, providing comfort even if only for a little while. A good friend will listen and let you cry your heart out. A good friend will go to the airport in the middle of the night in the pouring rain and pick you up when you have no other ride. A good friend will hold your head above the toilet when you are drunk. A good friend will support you when you find love, even if it's outside your marriage. A good friend will not tell your secrets even if they don't agree with keeping them. A good friend will not get mad when you choose to go on a date rather than going out with them. A good friend will tell you to shut the fuck up when you are running your mouth too much. A good friend will call you back even if you told them not to bother. A good friend will back off when you have had enough. A good friend will not hold grudges. A good friend will not get mad and there will be no reason to forgive.

We are all adults and friends are our biggest support system. Without my friends I wouldn't be me. So all my girls and all the fellas, you know who you are, this holiday season I am thankful for ya'll and I want to be to you what you are to me.

Breaking a Wall or Bloddy Knuckles?

Why is it that once you stop caring about something or someone, an event occurs to bring it all back? You just managed to let go of your hurt feelings and BOOM you are forced to relive the pain all over again. It might have taken you a long time to move on or maybe you just made the decision and finally stuck to it, and now everything you were so sure of is uncertain and right in front of you to be dealt with again.

It's a cruel twist of faith. You are given a challenge, it feels like the little devil on your shoulder is asking "are you really sure you don't want to give it another shot?" and the angel on the other side is rebutting "you did it once, if it didn't work the first time it won't this time, why get yourself hurt again".

You are forced into the position where you have to decide between wrong and right, but who knows which one is which. Is the angel really the good guy or is he the one who is just holding you back from taking a chance that can change your life for the better? Is taking a chance really that bad? And what about the devil, he is so determined to push you into something that you know feels so good but can end so bad?

So what do you do? You can hit the brick wall enough times in hope that it falls down eventually or you can just make your knuckles bleed.

Cold Shot of Reality

Today feels like another bad day but I actually think that it's opposite of that. Sometimes what defines a good day is not a happy event but the one that makes you look at life from a different perspective. Life is not what it is right now but what it's gonna be from this point on.

Over the last few months I have been living in some sort of daze. I am partially responsible for putting myself in that state of mind, ok maybe I even carry more than 50% of responsibility. It was good like a pink mist, but fake. It was a mirage, an illusion and I knew it all along. I chose to ignore common sense and forced myself to see something that wasn't there. I did it out of need for something new and hopeful. The post I wrote last Friday was about hope, well now I am realizing that there was none. I made it all up because it felt good.

This week was hard because the pink mist was slowly drying out and I started seeing the harsh greyness of the reality which came to it's peak today when I got an email which to me was a cold shot of reality. It was a copy/paste from some article online that someone thought I would get a kick out of. It had a much different effect on me. It hurt at first but then it was kind of refreshing. I felt liberated in ways. I am not gonna reveal the words that are so clear in my head, their meaning actually, but I will say that now I feel grounded and I can move forward without holding my breath.

So there was no hope, so what...I am stronger than that, and so I go on "stand-by" mode of my life again.

The pink mist is gone. I didn't ask for it in the first place.

Discussing on Twitter

I am a big twitterhead . I communicate through Twitter for many reasons; to meet new people, network, learn what's happening in the world and the wide web, even voyeur. Twitter is my sin, it gives me something I don't get elsewhere. I see how the topics of twits change daily. Since I follow both Russian and American, even a few European twitterers I get to see the views from different ends of the world. People discuss a large variety of topics, anything from the obvious hot gadget like iPhone to peejays and get this, sexy stockings with strings. Yes! That topic dominated the twitter board on my screen all day yesterday. People flirted and got silly from across the world.

On the other side of the spectrum I noticed a not so happy subject that took dominance across the board on Twitter lately. Loneliness
"от одиночества умирают?" (translated: Can you die from loneliness?). Someone asked that today and it made me think...I don't know? Can you? There are men and women out there who are alone right now, some of them are all by themselves and others have someone who should be close to them but really they are the furthest away. There are those who are looking for love, and those who are just thinking about it, putting their thoughts down in a blog post. We are just lonely soles lost in the virtual world, and we find some comfort in it. I know I do.

New Page in My Book

I am full of mixed emotions. It's very new for me to go through so many ups and downs back to back.

It all started in June. Someone came into my life, a ghost from the past with a hope for the future. So many new feelings stirred up inside of me, good and bad all mixed in one funnel cloud. At times I am filled with excitement and hope and with all that ecstasy comes fear. Mostly it's the fear of the unknown, fear of letting go of something stable even though it's the cause of my unhappiness. I haven't had hope for a very long time. Before June my life was very monotone, hate to admit it but I found certain comfort in that. When someone asked me what my plans were, I always had a solid answer, my life was very predictable. Nothing has physically changed yet but emotionally I am on a whole different level.

I am taking it a day at a time, doing my best to keep the negative feelings away, feelings such as boredom and hopelessness with occasional pings of jealousy. I want to be happy and I feel like I have a chance, it's a very slim chance but that's all I got and it is a whole lot more than what I had in my old predictable life. I am on a new page and I am gonna make the best of it if it kills me.

My Way Back Home - part 1

San Francisco is undoubtedly my home but let's look back...way back to 1978 - 1992

I was born in Moscow (Москва) on September 24th 1978. I lived the first 13 years of my life in the city that's one of the greatest and most beautiful, the city that is the capital (столица) of the ever majestic Russian Federation (Российская Федерация).

The summer when my childhood ended and teen era started was the same summer I moved to United States. The only life that I knew was immediately a part of my past and another path was ahead, waiting for me to embark upon.

This photo is the last image of my childhood, a moment truly frozen in time

I went back to Moscow in 1998 (6 years post my move) and it was amazing, very different experience from my life in California but a pleasantly unforgettable one.

9 more years went by and I had a son, got a college degree and started a successful career.

It's time to go back home and see it with the eyes of a woman whose heart will always be in that city, a mother who wants her son to love it just as much as her, a friend who misses those who never forgot her and are anxiously waiting to reunite.

I am going back.
We are going for a vacation this winter, me and my son.

to be continued...

Wondering

I sit and think about being an adult...
I think my adulthood started in April of 1999, that's when I got pregnant. My son changed my life, only for the better. I know that the only reason I am where I am is because of him. I had to grow up when I learned there was a life growing inside of me. First thing I did on my 18th birthday was buy a pack of cigarettes, on my 21st birthday I was pregnant, it was my faith.

He is almost 8. He will celebrate his 8th birthday in the same city where I celebrated my childhood birthdays. Moscow. It's a big deal. I haven't been back in 9 1/2 years.

My mom is in deep depression. It kills a piece of me everyday. I stand strong but sometimes everything inside of me collapses. She is in the hospital tonight. The doctor said she had a mini-heart-attack. I am not sure what that is. How can a person have a mini-heart-attack? Anything that has to do with a persons heart is major. I have a really difficult relationship with my mom, she is my "greatest grief". I am so sad for my family. I can't help them. My mom suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I can't help her. I know that eventually she will take everybody (who let's her) down with her. I will not let her do that to me.

This is my first blog post. I will try to stick to this commitment of posting regularly.