Offline

Me turning 30 had a great impact on my life. Sure the silly youthful mistakes are no longer justified but it is more than that. I am aware that many of you have been wondering what happened to me and if I will ever write again. I was hesitant to lay myself out in a web format but a letter from a stranger stirred something in me and influenced me to hit the keys which will result in yet another post. Thank you stranger, your letter means much more to me than you think.

I will tell you where I have been and why I chose to stay offline. The decision to stop twittering, blogging, IMing and overall communicating via internet was a very conscious one.

1. I decided to stop searching and chasing butterflies. So much of my energy was concentrated towards socializing that I started neglecting those who need me the most, those I love.

I am no longer in search of love. I still believe in it, it is just not what I am about any more. I am not looking for a man to sweep me off my feet, not looking for any new friends. I realized that while I was so busy searching I became blind that what I already have, that being my family.

I never mentioned but my son does have a father, a pretty good one at that. Sure he is far from perfect but he has been a part of my life since adolescence. I always loved him but the romance has dissipated over the course of many years as a family unit. Indeed we are a family and I intend to keep it that way. Me having selfish impulses is a terrible reason to destroy something that so many can only hope for. Our son has a mom and dad and that is so precious. Our relationship is far from perfect but it is a relationship that has been tested and stood through the good and a whole lot of bad.

I decided to give him another chance.
Me staying offline and aiming my energy towards my family became a seamless process.

2. Work is another reason that I quit social networking. I love my job and whether I wanted to admit it or not, socializing was distracting me. I just couldn't catch that high anymore, the high I get when I create and see results.

I want to say that I cut my computer time by 60% and am very happy with my decision. I am still around and after receiving that letter today I decided that I will keep blogging. I like writing, that is one of the ways I exercise my creative demons.

Slipping Away

My Grandma (the dearest person tome) has had a stroke and I feel like she is dying. I haven't seen her since it happened. Doctors say that after a stroke there is a huge chance for another one. I am scared she is slipping away. She raised me, she has to make it.

Thank You

From experience brought by the difficulty I have relating to most people I conclude that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am loud, demanding of attention, love to talk shit about people (strangers and otherwise) etc...but I am a good person. I am caring, kind and really the best friend one can have if they let me be that. I also can be the worst enemy, and in some cases my relationships with others went from best to worst.

Most people don't want to see past my rough exterior therefore they don't get the benefit of knowing the real me. I intimidate people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just me and quite frankly those who can't accept me for who I really am, can go where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I have are real. There are a few people in my life who I refer to as "girlfriends" or "homies" but not all of them are my real friends. I do have a million acquaintances and sometimes random people even recognize me on the street, but I can honestly say that I can count all my real true friends using my fingers.

I love you Mary, Erin, Raya, Erica

These gals seen me at my worst time and not once did they judge me for it. Whenever I was at my lowest low they were there for me, just being there and them supporting me was all that I needed, all that mattered.

Thank you AJ

My wonderful little boy. It's because of him I turned my life around. Becoming a mother was the greatest experience and I thank my son for it. He is my best friend. On the bad days he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and on he good ones I share all my joys with him. He is only 7 years old, yet we talk about life, love, friendships and everything in between. He is my love, my sunshine, my everything.

Thank you Jerome

When my friend was gunned down and murdered this man held me while I wept. He let me cry in his arms till there were no tears left and for that I am forever thankful.

Thank you Igor

Thank you just for being you. Laughing with you is really what makes me stay sane at work most days.

Thank you Сева

When I felt that I was loosing the understanding of who I am and where I come from, this man sent me a picture of me and him sitting next to each other 17 years ago. He remembered me and I started to remember who I really am.

Thank you Ира, Эля

When I wanted to forget, they didn't. They came back into my life remembering all the childhood memories we shared.

Thank you cousin Natasha

When I felt confused trying to justify my own wrongful actions, she made me see that there is actually nothing wrong with what I am doing, that I am just following my heart and searching for happiness.

Thank you Mom and Dad

When I was in trouble, they always got me out of it. They supported and loved me as much as they physically could.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa

Last but not least my grandma and grandpa deserve the biggest "thank you" in the world. They raised me, fed me, cleaned me, and loved me absolutely unconditionally. My grandpa passed away and I will never be able to let go of that pain. My grandma still stands as strong as her age allows her. God bless.

It is the greatest joy to have people who truly care and love you. Don't take them for granted. Love them, listen to them, be the one they can lean on. Life is hard and we need to be strong, strength comes from being together.

Wondering

I sit and think about being an adult...
I think my adulthood started in April of 1999, that's when I got pregnant. My son changed my life, only for the better. I know that the only reason I am where I am is because of him. I had to grow up when I learned there was a life growing inside of me. First thing I did on my 18th birthday was buy a pack of cigarettes, on my 21st birthday I was pregnant, it was my faith.

He is almost 8. He will celebrate his 8th birthday in the same city where I celebrated my childhood birthdays. Moscow. It's a big deal. I haven't been back in 9 1/2 years.

My mom is in deep depression. It kills a piece of me everyday. I stand strong but sometimes everything inside of me collapses. She is in the hospital tonight. The doctor said she had a mini-heart-attack. I am not sure what that is. How can a person have a mini-heart-attack? Anything that has to do with a persons heart is major. I have a really difficult relationship with my mom, she is my "greatest grief". I am so sad for my family. I can't help them. My mom suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I can't help her. I know that eventually she will take everybody (who let's her) down with her. I will not let her do that to me.

This is my first blog post. I will try to stick to this commitment of posting regularly.