Hard to Get Gets Harder

I wrote about playing games a few times in my blog but I just want to address it again. I just don't understand why people like to fuck with each others heads.

A friend of mine (who is a perfect textbook example of a 30-something male) told me recently:

"When you like someone and show it the other person will always not be as interested as you are or even as you want them to be until the roles reverse".

I thought about that and have to agree even though I hate to admit it. I can say with confidence that I am not one of those people but I am as usual a minority. I act on instinct: meaning if I like a guy I will flirt and show my attraction and if I don't, I will not pay him much attention. So if I am obviously interested in you all you have to do is not get intimidated by my confidence and just enjoy it, we both know it won't last forever. I am not easy and I don't throw myself on men but if I meet someone who gets my juices flowing I will go for it. If I don't return your calls it's not because I want you to keep calling but because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like playing "hard to get", don't see a point in it but unfortunately it seems to be the way to get the boys.

Why do you guys like when the girl acts like she likes someone else? Why does it make you crazy with passion when your emails, IMs, sms and voicemails go unanswered? Why is it that when you sense that the girl who was interested in you at one point and whom you rejected because she came on too strong and is now cooled off towards you, you want her all of a sudden? She is still the same girl but she is tired of playing your games and is really not interested in you anymore, so just because you decided that now is the time to display your male animal-like behavior, will not make her want you, you missed out on your chance.

I think about this subject a lot and wonder. Relationships that start off being hot right off the bat, cool off very fast. But the ones that start as friendships develop a foundation that is much deeper than all the heavy breathing and morph into something real, even if that's just a stronger friendship.

I give up on pursuing men! That's it! Can't do it anymore. I obviously can't be who I am without being perceived as something I am not so I put my forwardness in my pocket. No more showing attraction, no more flirting. We'll see how that pans out.

Устала Маша.

Heartbeats

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.