The Breakup

Today I got broken-up with and not the usual kinda break-up way. It wasn't even a guy it was a girl who I, up until today, considered a good friend.

We weren't best friends, as a matter of fact when I first met her I didn't want to be friends with her at all, but over the course of last 6 months she grew on me. We went through a few hard and good times together and even though we are very different we found a common language.

She is simple and always positive, I on the other hand am very complicated and have a lot of bad days. She is not well spoken nor educated but a kind, good person and an even better mother. That is something that we shared - we are both single mothers of the same age. Our situations are very different but at the same time the amount and the significance of our differences drew us towards each other. Something just worked.

I can't say that I fully knew her, I understand now that I definitely didn't but her good heart made me overlook her ignorance. I accepted her just as she was and only expected the same in return. Up until today I had that.

I don't know what I did to make her break our friendship but it must have been significant or maybe I am just the kind of person who doesn't burn bridges. I always give people a chance to speak their side and most likely another chance.

We were fine yesterday, now that I replay everything that took place last night I guess I see some red flags but they are by no means enough to kill a friendship.

Here is what happened:

She started seeing some guy about 2 weeks ago. I know she really wants to have a boyfriend but I am almost inclined to think that the desire overpowers her common sense. I should have just stayed out of it but as a friend I warned her that certain aspects of this guy's personality (based on what she told me about him) were peculiar to me and went against my "dateable" standard. I didn't push my opinion, just warned her to be careful since she recently had a traumatic experience. We talked on the way home from work and everything seemed fine. She asked why I seem a little indifferent today and I explained that I am just in an i-don't-give-a-fuck kind of mood. When we got off the train we parted ways and made a plan to call each other later. I was very tired. When I got home I laid down and shortly was near sleep when something told me to check my e-mail. My inbox indicator told me that I have one message. Her and I belong to the same social network and what I saw in my e-mail is that the guy she is seeing sent me a message via that network. I found it a bit strange since I never seen nor talked to the guy but went ahead and read his words which simply greeted me and asked me how I was. I didn't reply, stepping on my friend's toes is never an option in my book, those guys are of no interest to me whatsoever - the quality of my character I wear with pride. I decided to send her an sms and tell her that her guy is messaging me, hey us girls should stick together, right? Well I am not sure what really happened after that.

Here is the chain of sms:

me: hey your guy is messaging me via ***
her: you should reply to him
me: ok I will tomorrow
her: are you busy?
me: a little, watching TV with my son
her: ok are you busy?
me: if I don't fall asleep I will call you later

I had no intent to call her, I was beat.
This morning she didn't call me as usual (we ride to work together). I thought that maybe she isn't going to work and sent her and sms which went unreplied. Sent a few more of those and left a couple of voice-mails - all went unanswered. I found it strange since this girl is a known bugaboo.

Here is the next set of sms:

me: are you ok? I am worried. Why are you not calling me?
her: don't worry. I just don't want to talk to you
me: what did I do to you?
her: nothing
me: why are you mad at me?
me: you owe me an explanation
me: I was nothing but a good friend to you
her: good friends don't do what you did. Friendship is over.
me: fine I won't write or call you anymore but just think that maybe you are making a mistake

Then I saw a notification that she deleted me of the friend list on the social network.

And just like that the friendship is over.

Something Real

Life is so ironic. Always want what we can't have. Like Alanis Morisette said:

"It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife"

It happens so very rarely when 2 people click and they can just be themselves with one another without any insecurities and prejudices. Friendship is the foundation of happiness. Weather it's platonic or emotionally charged, establishing that friendship is the key to making a relationship last. Friendship is pure and selfless as should love be. Those who are lucky enough to find a friend in a person of an opposite sex have a chance for something real. There will be no games, just pure, honest love.

Pain is no longer mine

I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.

Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.

It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.

I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.

I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.

Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.

I think I will be alright.

A Good Friend

What makes a good friend? What is the criteria we use to choose our circle of friends? And when does an acquaintance crosses into the friend zone?

I think we all choose our acquaintances based on our needs, primarily the need for companionship. Other unifying factors which play a role in people-choosing are common interests and character compatibility. I am using big words here but what I am trying to say is that in a friend we seek a person who can make us laugh, is not judgmental, and helpful when the times are rough. An acquaintance becomes a friend when they learn something about you that is not so pretty, and it doesn't make them turn away but instead it brings you closer together because the imperfections are what makes us and our relationships real.

A good friend is the one who will be there for you regardless of how much of a fool you made of yourself. A good friend will tell you when you are wrong but at times when you need someone to see things the way you see them, they will. A good friend will tell you it's ok even though you both know it's not, providing comfort even if only for a little while. A good friend will listen and let you cry your heart out. A good friend will go to the airport in the middle of the night in the pouring rain and pick you up when you have no other ride. A good friend will hold your head above the toilet when you are drunk. A good friend will support you when you find love, even if it's outside your marriage. A good friend will not tell your secrets even if they don't agree with keeping them. A good friend will not get mad when you choose to go on a date rather than going out with them. A good friend will tell you to shut the fuck up when you are running your mouth too much. A good friend will call you back even if you told them not to bother. A good friend will back off when you have had enough. A good friend will not hold grudges. A good friend will not get mad and there will be no reason to forgive.

We are all adults and friends are our biggest support system. Without my friends I wouldn't be me. So all my girls and all the fellas, you know who you are, this holiday season I am thankful for ya'll and I want to be to you what you are to me.

The Guy in White Pants

Here is the story that starts way back...way way back...

1989-1990

When I was growing up I spent every summer in a rented house in the country. River, board games, card readings and boys...well what do you expect when there are 3 teenage girls hanging out together. Yes there were three of us and I was the youngest, by 3 years which was huge age difference when one is 11 and the rest are 14.

Neither one of us actually had a boyfriend but we sure did talk a whole lot about the opposite sex, hormones raging and all. Yes, we were just three girls dreaming of one day we would fall in love. All the days were pretty much the same until one day when I walked out to the street in the morning and saw a cute, tanned guy in white pants heading towards me. That's the vision I still have in my mind, 17 years later and I still remember it as if it happened just a little while ago.

The guy in white pants was a friend of one of my girlfriends. He came up to me and asked me where he can find her, so together we walked to her house. I will never forget the look on her face, she was pale as a ghost. It turned out that this boy was in love with her and actually came all the way to our summer haven to see her. If that isn't the most romantic thing I have ever seen a 14 year old boy do for a girl, I don't know what is.

We all immediately fell for the guy in white pants. He was handsome, funny, and well he was the only handsome, funny guy who wanted to hang out with us, three dorky little girls. He always treated me with a certain tenderness, probably because I was so much younger, I was only 11 or 12. I was infatuated with all the attention but of course I knew better, he was completely in love with my friend. That still didn't stop my heart from breaking when I saw them kissing at a bus stop.

I don't remember now but I think we were friends for a couple of summers and then life took us all in different directions. We all lost touch.

So the story brings us to now...

2007

Of all the joys of the internet, reuniting with old friends is by far the most incredible. It is nostalgic and emotional. It brings back memories and hopes for the future.

I was looking for my girlfriends from all those years ago and was having a hard time locating one of them. Without any hesitation I looked up the guy in white pants, uh-huh I remembered his full name but for the sake of anonymity I will not reveal it in this post. I sent him an email that basically asked if he remembered me? To my huge surprise not only did he remember me, but he had a picture of the two of us from 1990. The cliche is "a picture says a thousand words" and it did! I couldn't believe that I made such an impression on this boy 17 years ago that he would actually keep my photo for all this time. I was incredibly flattered.

He told me that the girl he was so in love with back then is now married and lives in Paris. That didn't surprise me, I knew she was France-bound all along.

So our paths crossed yet again. Is this story to be continued? Only time will tell.

Thank You

From experience brought by the difficulty I have relating to most people I conclude that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am loud, demanding of attention, love to talk shit about people (strangers and otherwise) etc...but I am a good person. I am caring, kind and really the best friend one can have if they let me be that. I also can be the worst enemy, and in some cases my relationships with others went from best to worst.

Most people don't want to see past my rough exterior therefore they don't get the benefit of knowing the real me. I intimidate people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just me and quite frankly those who can't accept me for who I really am, can go where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I have are real. There are a few people in my life who I refer to as "girlfriends" or "homies" but not all of them are my real friends. I do have a million acquaintances and sometimes random people even recognize me on the street, but I can honestly say that I can count all my real true friends using my fingers.

I love you Mary, Erin, Raya, Erica

These gals seen me at my worst time and not once did they judge me for it. Whenever I was at my lowest low they were there for me, just being there and them supporting me was all that I needed, all that mattered.

Thank you AJ

My wonderful little boy. It's because of him I turned my life around. Becoming a mother was the greatest experience and I thank my son for it. He is my best friend. On the bad days he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and on he good ones I share all my joys with him. He is only 7 years old, yet we talk about life, love, friendships and everything in between. He is my love, my sunshine, my everything.

Thank you Jerome

When my friend was gunned down and murdered this man held me while I wept. He let me cry in his arms till there were no tears left and for that I am forever thankful.

Thank you Igor

Thank you just for being you. Laughing with you is really what makes me stay sane at work most days.

Thank you Сева

When I felt that I was loosing the understanding of who I am and where I come from, this man sent me a picture of me and him sitting next to each other 17 years ago. He remembered me and I started to remember who I really am.

Thank you Ира, Эля

When I wanted to forget, they didn't. They came back into my life remembering all the childhood memories we shared.

Thank you cousin Natasha

When I felt confused trying to justify my own wrongful actions, she made me see that there is actually nothing wrong with what I am doing, that I am just following my heart and searching for happiness.

Thank you Mom and Dad

When I was in trouble, they always got me out of it. They supported and loved me as much as they physically could.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa

Last but not least my grandma and grandpa deserve the biggest "thank you" in the world. They raised me, fed me, cleaned me, and loved me absolutely unconditionally. My grandpa passed away and I will never be able to let go of that pain. My grandma still stands as strong as her age allows her. God bless.

It is the greatest joy to have people who truly care and love you. Don't take them for granted. Love them, listen to them, be the one they can lean on. Life is hard and we need to be strong, strength comes from being together.