Offline

Me turning 30 had a great impact on my life. Sure the silly youthful mistakes are no longer justified but it is more than that. I am aware that many of you have been wondering what happened to me and if I will ever write again. I was hesitant to lay myself out in a web format but a letter from a stranger stirred something in me and influenced me to hit the keys which will result in yet another post. Thank you stranger, your letter means much more to me than you think.

I will tell you where I have been and why I chose to stay offline. The decision to stop twittering, blogging, IMing and overall communicating via internet was a very conscious one.

1. I decided to stop searching and chasing butterflies. So much of my energy was concentrated towards socializing that I started neglecting those who need me the most, those I love.

I am no longer in search of love. I still believe in it, it is just not what I am about any more. I am not looking for a man to sweep me off my feet, not looking for any new friends. I realized that while I was so busy searching I became blind that what I already have, that being my family.

I never mentioned but my son does have a father, a pretty good one at that. Sure he is far from perfect but he has been a part of my life since adolescence. I always loved him but the romance has dissipated over the course of many years as a family unit. Indeed we are a family and I intend to keep it that way. Me having selfish impulses is a terrible reason to destroy something that so many can only hope for. Our son has a mom and dad and that is so precious. Our relationship is far from perfect but it is a relationship that has been tested and stood through the good and a whole lot of bad.

I decided to give him another chance.
Me staying offline and aiming my energy towards my family became a seamless process.

2. Work is another reason that I quit social networking. I love my job and whether I wanted to admit it or not, socializing was distracting me. I just couldn't catch that high anymore, the high I get when I create and see results.

I want to say that I cut my computer time by 60% and am very happy with my decision. I am still around and after receiving that letter today I decided that I will keep blogging. I like writing, that is one of the ways I exercise my creative demons.

Closure

Closure. It's a needed final step to end a life chapter. Funny how it's not always what logic tells us it should be.

What happenned to me was rather tragic but there is no need to go into details anymore. I was eliminated from someone's life, a man whom I had feelings for. It wasn't premeditated on his part, he just didn't think and when we parted he didn't offer me an explanation. I was forced to think of scenarios that lead to such a cruel outcome. At times I thought there was something wrong with me; maybe I was fat, or ugly, or spoke too loud. I know that I am neither but when you get rejected this madness veils over your brain and it is so hard to break away.

I thought my closure would be to find out WHY.

Time has passed (9 months to be exact). With every day I thought less and less of him, the one who didn't even realize the depth of the wounds he laid on my heart. I came to terms that I will never get an explanation and proclaimed time to be my healer, my closure.

Out of the blue he stepped back in my life. One message, just a few words that stirred me from inside out.

"It's about time you forgave everything"

How would you react to that? I thought and thought and finally replied with what I considered my final goodbye, with what i hoped would be a final paragraph in that chapter. I didn't need his explanation anymore. I wanted to leave him in my past. He didn't understand what I was trying to say and was appalled at my rejection. I have no desire to be in contact with him and he kept insisting on us being friends. I found it absurd but kept my cool and tried to use my words to let him go yet again. He just didn't get it and when I realized how stupid he is, I felt bad for ever thinking he was more. He stooped down low and threw some insults at me which forced me to simply spam him.

My final words to him were:
"How stupid you are. I am sick of it. You are blocked."

I don't know if he will find another way to get to me or even if he'll try. I am certain that I have finally moved on. There is nothing to hold on to. I freed myself. I got my closure.

Hard to Get Gets Harder

I wrote about playing games a few times in my blog but I just want to address it again. I just don't understand why people like to fuck with each others heads.

A friend of mine (who is a perfect textbook example of a 30-something male) told me recently:

"When you like someone and show it the other person will always not be as interested as you are or even as you want them to be until the roles reverse".

I thought about that and have to agree even though I hate to admit it. I can say with confidence that I am not one of those people but I am as usual a minority. I act on instinct: meaning if I like a guy I will flirt and show my attraction and if I don't, I will not pay him much attention. So if I am obviously interested in you all you have to do is not get intimidated by my confidence and just enjoy it, we both know it won't last forever. I am not easy and I don't throw myself on men but if I meet someone who gets my juices flowing I will go for it. If I don't return your calls it's not because I want you to keep calling but because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like playing "hard to get", don't see a point in it but unfortunately it seems to be the way to get the boys.

Why do you guys like when the girl acts like she likes someone else? Why does it make you crazy with passion when your emails, IMs, sms and voicemails go unanswered? Why is it that when you sense that the girl who was interested in you at one point and whom you rejected because she came on too strong and is now cooled off towards you, you want her all of a sudden? She is still the same girl but she is tired of playing your games and is really not interested in you anymore, so just because you decided that now is the time to display your male animal-like behavior, will not make her want you, you missed out on your chance.

I think about this subject a lot and wonder. Relationships that start off being hot right off the bat, cool off very fast. But the ones that start as friendships develop a foundation that is much deeper than all the heavy breathing and morph into something real, even if that's just a stronger friendship.

I give up on pursuing men! That's it! Can't do it anymore. I obviously can't be who I am without being perceived as something I am not so I put my forwardness in my pocket. No more showing attraction, no more flirting. We'll see how that pans out.

Устала Маша.

The Breakup

Today I got broken-up with and not the usual kinda break-up way. It wasn't even a guy it was a girl who I, up until today, considered a good friend.

We weren't best friends, as a matter of fact when I first met her I didn't want to be friends with her at all, but over the course of last 6 months she grew on me. We went through a few hard and good times together and even though we are very different we found a common language.

She is simple and always positive, I on the other hand am very complicated and have a lot of bad days. She is not well spoken nor educated but a kind, good person and an even better mother. That is something that we shared - we are both single mothers of the same age. Our situations are very different but at the same time the amount and the significance of our differences drew us towards each other. Something just worked.

I can't say that I fully knew her, I understand now that I definitely didn't but her good heart made me overlook her ignorance. I accepted her just as she was and only expected the same in return. Up until today I had that.

I don't know what I did to make her break our friendship but it must have been significant or maybe I am just the kind of person who doesn't burn bridges. I always give people a chance to speak their side and most likely another chance.

We were fine yesterday, now that I replay everything that took place last night I guess I see some red flags but they are by no means enough to kill a friendship.

Here is what happened:

She started seeing some guy about 2 weeks ago. I know she really wants to have a boyfriend but I am almost inclined to think that the desire overpowers her common sense. I should have just stayed out of it but as a friend I warned her that certain aspects of this guy's personality (based on what she told me about him) were peculiar to me and went against my "dateable" standard. I didn't push my opinion, just warned her to be careful since she recently had a traumatic experience. We talked on the way home from work and everything seemed fine. She asked why I seem a little indifferent today and I explained that I am just in an i-don't-give-a-fuck kind of mood. When we got off the train we parted ways and made a plan to call each other later. I was very tired. When I got home I laid down and shortly was near sleep when something told me to check my e-mail. My inbox indicator told me that I have one message. Her and I belong to the same social network and what I saw in my e-mail is that the guy she is seeing sent me a message via that network. I found it a bit strange since I never seen nor talked to the guy but went ahead and read his words which simply greeted me and asked me how I was. I didn't reply, stepping on my friend's toes is never an option in my book, those guys are of no interest to me whatsoever - the quality of my character I wear with pride. I decided to send her an sms and tell her that her guy is messaging me, hey us girls should stick together, right? Well I am not sure what really happened after that.

Here is the chain of sms:

me: hey your guy is messaging me via ***
her: you should reply to him
me: ok I will tomorrow
her: are you busy?
me: a little, watching TV with my son
her: ok are you busy?
me: if I don't fall asleep I will call you later

I had no intent to call her, I was beat.
This morning she didn't call me as usual (we ride to work together). I thought that maybe she isn't going to work and sent her and sms which went unreplied. Sent a few more of those and left a couple of voice-mails - all went unanswered. I found it strange since this girl is a known bugaboo.

Here is the next set of sms:

me: are you ok? I am worried. Why are you not calling me?
her: don't worry. I just don't want to talk to you
me: what did I do to you?
her: nothing
me: why are you mad at me?
me: you owe me an explanation
me: I was nothing but a good friend to you
her: good friends don't do what you did. Friendship is over.
me: fine I won't write or call you anymore but just think that maybe you are making a mistake

Then I saw a notification that she deleted me of the friend list on the social network.

And just like that the friendship is over.

Something Real

Life is so ironic. Always want what we can't have. Like Alanis Morisette said:

"It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife"

It happens so very rarely when 2 people click and they can just be themselves with one another without any insecurities and prejudices. Friendship is the foundation of happiness. Weather it's platonic or emotionally charged, establishing that friendship is the key to making a relationship last. Friendship is pure and selfless as should love be. Those who are lucky enough to find a friend in a person of an opposite sex have a chance for something real. There will be no games, just pure, honest love.

The Man for Me

Human nature is so incredibly confusing, most of the time we can't explain our own behavior. For example - "why is grass always greener on the other side?". The truth is that once you get on that other side the green grass turns out to be too green, you get allergies from it and kinda start peeking through the hole in the fence and missing the yellowish grass on your old side.

Another example - "Why do we want something we can't have?" Or someone. I notice that in myself. I am addicted to taming the beast. I am always attracted to the 'wrong guy'. He is tall, handsome, devilishly sexy, financially set but he comes with more issues that a 30+ man is allowed to have. He is difficult, doesn't know what he wants, selfish and a player (most of the time). Shit! most of these guys are unavailable - physically and mentally. Some of them have scorned hearts and souls. I want to be the one to get through all that and see the man inside, the man he doesn't allow himself to be. Vulnerability in a man is the sexiest quality.

Why am I so attracted to the type? Well of course for the obvious good on paper (and in the mirror) qualities. (1)I like a man who can take care of himself and teach me a thing or two. I am an intelligent woman but I need a man who I can learn something from. (2)He needs to have the kind of body that can protect me in the streets and make me scream in the sheets (corny but true). (3)He must have a sense of humor, the kind that cracks me up. (4)He needs to be set in life. I don't need a rich man but I refuse to pay a man's bills. No no, made that mistake already before. (5)He must be sexy, it has to ooze from his pores. (4)And most important he needs to be mysterious and impossible to tame.

Lots of men tell me that I am exactly that, impossible to break through, a wild horse, after all I was born the year of the horse (1978). If a guy is see-through he bores me right away. I need to feel like I am different in his life from his other women and maybe even friends. I want to be his friend and confidant. I want something to tie us; mentally and emotionally, something deeper than sex. I want the sex to be lovemaking and not just a fuck.

The issues this type of a man has are overwhelming but I keep falling for him. I need a challenge and perhaps I will never find my match. I am very straight forward and some men are intimidated by that which right away puts them into not-my-type category. I never make the first move but once I see a green light I can definitely come on pretty strong. The man I want can handle that and even get the upper hand but the majority of others can't and don't. Most of those change their mind later but my pride won't let me go after them anymore and so the game starts because the attraction is still there. I hate playing games but my damned pride. What can I do? I am just that a wild horse looking for my cowboy.

The Mars, the Venus and the Home Ec

Sometimes I think guys are so simple it's hard to understand them. We, women, always expect for everyone around us to make well-thought-through decisions, meaning one would need to analyze all the facts and think about the consequences before leaping forward. We really overestimate the males around us, always wondering to ourselves; why did he do this? what is he thinking? The truth is that he did it because he was thinking with his 'other head' and he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself when he did it. To know more about a man's psyche is to not try to get inside of it. It is what it is, he didn't think his decision through so why should we be trying to dissect his brain, everything is on the surface. Think simple ladies.

Men don't think with their head, on the contrary they think with their anatomy and heart. They make their decisions purely based on emotion for the purpose of gaining immediate results. Women, on the other hand, tend to overthink everything. We want to figure it out and then talk about all the pros and cons. Men don't like talking, they are action-makers.

Men are like babies, they need love and nurture, they are not meant to live alone, while a lot of women are very comfortable being single. Nobody likes it but we just cope with loneliness better, after all we were taught the home-ec skills in middle school. I even noticed that in multi-children families boys get babied more. A boy always has females around him starting with his mother and eventually leading to wife and maybe even daughter(s). Women spoil the other sex with all the warmth and attention and then we wonder why is it that men expect their wifes to cook and clean. Well the reality is that the ones that have those expectations are the ones whose mothers were housewives and babied the hell out of them. While men grow up prepared to stand their corner and hunt for food most of them don't know what to do with what they hunted so tirelessly.

Some roles have changed; men learned how to cook, clean and do laundry and women picked the head of the household title and went to work, but the bottom line is the nature of the sexes will not change. Women will always be the nurturers and keep spoiling their men and men will keep taking it for granted only realizing the concept of household-survival once the woman is no longer there to keep it up.

Heartbeats

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.

Lessons

I haven't posted in over a month. A lot has happened and it will take time to digest it all and move on.

For the last six months I had a new hope, something to keep me going, something to look forward to. I had so much invested into my trip, mostly emotionally and even though it was the right trip to take at the right time in my life, it turned out to be a "lesson learned".

Lessons

1. If something(one) seems to good to be true, it is. I should have known this but yet mistake made again.



2. Don't plan love, if love is in your path it will happen when you least expect it. Once you start planning it, it is already over before it begun, it wasn't meant to be.



3. If the one you are attracted to says things to you that you are not ready to hear yet, it's a red flag. It might feel good but real emotions surface at the right time and you will know when that time is. You will know when the other person is sincere even if you don't feel the same because empty words are just that, empty. Some people get too infatuated too fast and it always ends abruptly and painfully.



4. If something doesn't feel right, let it be a warning of more drama to come. If the one you like is difficult before you even had the chance to go through the "honeymoon" phase, there will most certainly be more of that the further you get into the relationship.



5. This may sound really pessimistic but don't believe everything you are told, even if you really really really wanted to hear it. There should be something solid, a foundation that all promises are based on. I think I believe in love from the first sight but the lesson that I learned is that any non-casual intimate relationship that is worth pursuing should spin off a friendship.



6. Let the other person get to know you and like you as a person before any signs of intimacy are exchanged.



7. This might be a big blow to the online dating industry but relationships that start via monitor and an IM window don't work. I won't elaborate any further and some of you will perhaps argue with me but this is how I feel. I will not start any relationship (friendship or otherwise) online ever again.

I am a lost soul searching for my anchor. Every time I think I found something I can hang on to, something that feels real, I realize that it is only an illusion. I am not heart broken but I am hurt. Let all these lessons make me stronger, even though with all the strength I gain from painful experiences my heart turns more and more into ice.

Yet I still believe,

I still believe.

Where is all this coming from you may ask. I am not ready to discuss the painful details just yet but perhaps I will use bits and pieces of my pain as future topics that will make everyone think. I don't know to how many of you my words relate on a personal level but if there is at least one person who feels what I try so hard to bring out from my heart and onto the screen, I thank you.

Too Sexual?

Can a woman be too sexually persuasive? So much that it can turn a man off?

It seems to me that some men choose women who are shy and others like the flirty girls. I am sure that when picking a wife the criteria is much different than when picking a one-night stand, but even then some men contrary to enjoying a sexually aggressive woman in the bedroom don't choose to take her home to meet mom. Another man gets scared when a woman wants sex more often than him. There seems to be a delicate balance that is individual to all love affairs. There can be too much of a good thing and the key is to keep it at a level when it is just enough for both lovers.

Listen to yourself and listen to your lover. Listen to the body language. Learn to love and be loved in a a gentle and natural way. When we start thinking too much about chemistry it gets too complicated and becomes rehearsed. Sex should be natural and uninhibited. When you are with the one you are meant for, too much will be not enough, it's love after all.

A Good Friend

What makes a good friend? What is the criteria we use to choose our circle of friends? And when does an acquaintance crosses into the friend zone?

I think we all choose our acquaintances based on our needs, primarily the need for companionship. Other unifying factors which play a role in people-choosing are common interests and character compatibility. I am using big words here but what I am trying to say is that in a friend we seek a person who can make us laugh, is not judgmental, and helpful when the times are rough. An acquaintance becomes a friend when they learn something about you that is not so pretty, and it doesn't make them turn away but instead it brings you closer together because the imperfections are what makes us and our relationships real.

A good friend is the one who will be there for you regardless of how much of a fool you made of yourself. A good friend will tell you when you are wrong but at times when you need someone to see things the way you see them, they will. A good friend will tell you it's ok even though you both know it's not, providing comfort even if only for a little while. A good friend will listen and let you cry your heart out. A good friend will go to the airport in the middle of the night in the pouring rain and pick you up when you have no other ride. A good friend will hold your head above the toilet when you are drunk. A good friend will support you when you find love, even if it's outside your marriage. A good friend will not tell your secrets even if they don't agree with keeping them. A good friend will not get mad when you choose to go on a date rather than going out with them. A good friend will tell you to shut the fuck up when you are running your mouth too much. A good friend will call you back even if you told them not to bother. A good friend will back off when you have had enough. A good friend will not hold grudges. A good friend will not get mad and there will be no reason to forgive.

We are all adults and friends are our biggest support system. Without my friends I wouldn't be me. So all my girls and all the fellas, you know who you are, this holiday season I am thankful for ya'll and I want to be to you what you are to me.

Breaking a Wall or Bloddy Knuckles?

Why is it that once you stop caring about something or someone, an event occurs to bring it all back? You just managed to let go of your hurt feelings and BOOM you are forced to relive the pain all over again. It might have taken you a long time to move on or maybe you just made the decision and finally stuck to it, and now everything you were so sure of is uncertain and right in front of you to be dealt with again.

It's a cruel twist of faith. You are given a challenge, it feels like the little devil on your shoulder is asking "are you really sure you don't want to give it another shot?" and the angel on the other side is rebutting "you did it once, if it didn't work the first time it won't this time, why get yourself hurt again".

You are forced into the position where you have to decide between wrong and right, but who knows which one is which. Is the angel really the good guy or is he the one who is just holding you back from taking a chance that can change your life for the better? Is taking a chance really that bad? And what about the devil, he is so determined to push you into something that you know feels so good but can end so bad?

So what do you do? You can hit the brick wall enough times in hope that it falls down eventually or you can just make your knuckles bleed.

Keep it Growing

There is so much negativity in this world and I feel that every chance we get to make something positive we need to use it. This can be a large scale analogy; helping the poor, world peace, volunteering etc. I am all for the above listed but what I am specifically referring to the relationships between men and women.

There are so many conflicts that can be avoided by simply not playing games, being patient and understanding. When two people first meet they don't really know what sets the other one off so the game-players use that to their advantage. They test and push till the other person has had enough and at that point it can either backfire or give them the power in the relationship. If the power is allocated, the way for this relationship has basically been set.

Why are we dooming our chance for happiness before we even got to experience it?

Relationships are most fragile when they are first born. That seed needs to be nourished and be taken care of, with all of the gentleness and love for it to grow. Some feel that every action has a reaction, and rather than becoming selfless for the purpose of something long-lasting, they take every chance they get to set their ground.

Let's remember that only real love can make a relationship last, and real love is pure and kind. Love doesn't play games but instead it is sincere and honest emotion that is a gift not to be taken for granted.

Live, laugh, love

why not...

you deserve to be happy

Connecting...

In today's world of email, im, skype, mobile phones and the all-merging twitter, communication becomes a defining factor in relationships. Being in a long-distance love affair doesn't seem so crucial anymore, all you have to do is log on and BOOM your sweetheart from the other side of the planet is in your living room. It's that easy! The problem is that we become dependent on that line of communication to fuel our relationships.

It's great to get home in the evening from a long day at the office, log on to your skype account, and chat with a friend for whom the day is just starting. Even better to share pictures, MP3s, video etc instantly. People are becoming connected not just electronically but emotionally. I think it's a false perception of closeness.

Our relationships become defined by IM statuses.

• online - I love you! I miss you! I want to talk to you!


• away - I don't want to be bothered! I am mad at you! I am testing you


• busy - I really am busy, if you take it personally that's your bad


• offline - I really don't give a damn! I don't want to talk to anyone!

We are happy when we see the stupid green icon and we get annoyed when it turns red. We make life-altering decisions based on an illusion. We are human. We need to touch, smell, talk while looking in your partner's eyes. It's nice when you write a post about your bad day and someone leaves a sympathetic comment, but it's nothing comparing to a simple hug.

Thank You

From experience brought by the difficulty I have relating to most people I conclude that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am loud, demanding of attention, love to talk shit about people (strangers and otherwise) etc...but I am a good person. I am caring, kind and really the best friend one can have if they let me be that. I also can be the worst enemy, and in some cases my relationships with others went from best to worst.

Most people don't want to see past my rough exterior therefore they don't get the benefit of knowing the real me. I intimidate people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just me and quite frankly those who can't accept me for who I really am, can go where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I have are real. There are a few people in my life who I refer to as "girlfriends" or "homies" but not all of them are my real friends. I do have a million acquaintances and sometimes random people even recognize me on the street, but I can honestly say that I can count all my real true friends using my fingers.

I love you Mary, Erin, Raya, Erica

These gals seen me at my worst time and not once did they judge me for it. Whenever I was at my lowest low they were there for me, just being there and them supporting me was all that I needed, all that mattered.

Thank you AJ

My wonderful little boy. It's because of him I turned my life around. Becoming a mother was the greatest experience and I thank my son for it. He is my best friend. On the bad days he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and on he good ones I share all my joys with him. He is only 7 years old, yet we talk about life, love, friendships and everything in between. He is my love, my sunshine, my everything.

Thank you Jerome

When my friend was gunned down and murdered this man held me while I wept. He let me cry in his arms till there were no tears left and for that I am forever thankful.

Thank you Igor

Thank you just for being you. Laughing with you is really what makes me stay sane at work most days.

Thank you Сева

When I felt that I was loosing the understanding of who I am and where I come from, this man sent me a picture of me and him sitting next to each other 17 years ago. He remembered me and I started to remember who I really am.

Thank you Ира, Эля

When I wanted to forget, they didn't. They came back into my life remembering all the childhood memories we shared.

Thank you cousin Natasha

When I felt confused trying to justify my own wrongful actions, she made me see that there is actually nothing wrong with what I am doing, that I am just following my heart and searching for happiness.

Thank you Mom and Dad

When I was in trouble, they always got me out of it. They supported and loved me as much as they physically could.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa

Last but not least my grandma and grandpa deserve the biggest "thank you" in the world. They raised me, fed me, cleaned me, and loved me absolutely unconditionally. My grandpa passed away and I will never be able to let go of that pain. My grandma still stands as strong as her age allows her. God bless.

It is the greatest joy to have people who truly care and love you. Don't take them for granted. Love them, listen to them, be the one they can lean on. Life is hard and we need to be strong, strength comes from being together.

Don't hate the Player, hate the Game

How it starts
Two people get in contact and find themselves interested in one another. In today's world this happens in a number of ways (below are the most common ones):

• random meeting in person
• coworkers taking it outside the office
• friends who take it one step further
• finding an old classmate / friend / love interest online (i.e. myspace)

Personal information gets exchanged and so the game begins.

"to contact or not to contact"
Once one person has the other persons info (mobile, email etc) the first most obvious game is "to contact or not to contact". Since we are talking about two people who are attracted to one another, chances are the contact will happen to get the feel of a possible affair, relationship etc. There have been really strange cases when this didn't happen but that's another post ;)

"the business card"
One contacts the other and most commonly the first conversation is lengthy flirtatious, and amusing. They talk, laugh and build up an image of themselves for the other person. This is not the realistic persona, it's the made-up one that exaggerates the good qualities and hides the bad. We'll call this game "the business card". Topics that are discussed vary in theme (outlooks on life, career, family etc). Most of the things that are said are either bullshit or they are said cautiously with the hope of the other party understanding and relating. I think that this is a critical part of the new relationship because this is where the boundaries are drawn or erased and walls are built or broken.

"true or false"
They've been talking for a week or two and the relationship is moving along. They email, talk on the phone, and if the relationship is not long-distance go on dates. Instead of them getting to know each other, they are really playing the game of "true or false" and here is where each one analyzes the "business card" persona and decides just how much of it is fake. This can last weeks or even a couple of months (depending on frequency). After finding out the negatives hidden behind the "business card" they each make a decision if the other person is worth their time and if they choose to continue the relationship they have to accept the other's flaws. That can be difficult.

"1 out of 2"
A couple of months have gone by and they are seeing the actual person underneath the "business card" and the attraction. This is a critical part to a relationship because it can get boring and grow cold. A number of games are played during this time but we will unite them under one title "1 out of 2". They are not single anymore, each is a half and if the relationship is working they come together and become stronger, happier, productive. If you are blessed with that kind of a relationship it could very well lead to real love and marriage. Let's face it, usually this is not the goo-goo gaa-gaa as I was making it sound, usually here things get rocky. This happens mostly because the initial lust have subsided and they are both wanting to bring it back so they start to play:

• ones calls don't get answered, or there is too much time in between
• the IM status gets set to "away" or "busy" just to make the other person wonder "wtf?"
• accusations of cheating thrown in each others face just to see how the other reacts
• already asked questions get asked again for reassurance stirring up frustrations
• mood changes, they are all of sudden not that happy to see each other and those negative traits that they each have accepted in "true or false" and previously hidden by the "business card" are now the source of irritation

I can go on with the list but I will end this post here. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but I write from experience. This sort of a relationship (if you can even call it that) has happened to me a number of times and after dissecting the circumstances of its ending, I realized that each one had a different reason for falling apart. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe it's my purpose to experience heartache and share it with my readers but I do know that I deserve to be loved and I am hoping that one day I will meet a man who will be honest and melt the ice that has covered my heart by warming it with love, understanding, sympathy and tenderness. The man who will accept me for who I am and there will be no need for games.

Boys, there is no need for games!

Men always say that "women love to play games" but the reality is that men play just as many if not more games than women. I don't know maybe it's just the men in my life, my "game-playing-type", maybe men just love to fuck with my head but I find myself constantly figuring out the moves and actions of the opposite sex.

Why can't it just be simple? Be honest, accept the other person for who they are and just keep it real. There is no need to say one thing while meaning another. There is so much time wasted on wondering "why" and "what does that mean" with an occasional "did I do something wrong?".

If you like someone - tell them, if you feel that fire inside of you - be brave, kiss them, if you are feeling that fire coming from the one you like - let it consume you, if you think there is a possibility of something great - don't let time and distance stop you from exploring it, if you think they love another - let it go, if you wonder why - ask them, if you don't like the answer - shame on you.