The Story of the Quake

I live in the San Francisco / Bay Area which is a quake country. I moved here in 1999 and experienced many earthquakes, averaging about 4 every year. There is always a story to tell and it is never dramatic for me, just a great water-cooler talk the day after.

Here is my pre-Halloween quake story.

My son and I were on the way back home from the gym. The gym is in Pacifica and we live in South City which is a good 10 minute drive. We were detouring through San Bruno (neighboring city) in order to go to Subway for some quick dinner. Love those tuna sandwiches!!!! Anyway, we were waiting for the light to turn green so we can pull into the parking lot, tummys growling. A good work out will do that to you! :) I felt the car shaking and my first thought was on my trouble-making youngster.

me: "AJ stop shaking the car!" (thinking he is kicking my leather seats like always)
AJ: "I am not shaking the car!"
me: "Is it the wind?"
me: "It doesn't look like it's windy"

hmmm ok whatever

10 minutes later in Subway my phone rings

me: "Hello"
J: "Did you feel it?"
At that moment it clicked in my head and...
me: "AH! That was an earthquake!!!!"
everyone in Subway: "There was an earthquake???"
AJ: "Mom, I told you I wasn't shaking the car!"

Everyone started laughing.

So this is another funny quake story. No one got hurt, no damage (not in my area at least). I am not afraid of earthquakes, you have to get used to them living in the Bay Area, but I am a bit weary about being stuck in an elevator or in a tunnel while on BART. My biggest fear is not knowing if my son is ok, not being able to reach him.

Yesterday's earthquake was not minor but not huge either (5.6), nothing like Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989 when the Bay Bridge collapsed and 62 people died. The next "big one" is expected on the Hayward fault. It hits on average once every 140 years, and well it's been 139 since it hit there last. I just hope that me and my loved ones will be ok, that's all I can do.

Keep it Growing

There is so much negativity in this world and I feel that every chance we get to make something positive we need to use it. This can be a large scale analogy; helping the poor, world peace, volunteering etc. I am all for the above listed but what I am specifically referring to the relationships between men and women.

There are so many conflicts that can be avoided by simply not playing games, being patient and understanding. When two people first meet they don't really know what sets the other one off so the game-players use that to their advantage. They test and push till the other person has had enough and at that point it can either backfire or give them the power in the relationship. If the power is allocated, the way for this relationship has basically been set.

Why are we dooming our chance for happiness before we even got to experience it?

Relationships are most fragile when they are first born. That seed needs to be nourished and be taken care of, with all of the gentleness and love for it to grow. Some feel that every action has a reaction, and rather than becoming selfless for the purpose of something long-lasting, they take every chance they get to set their ground.

Let's remember that only real love can make a relationship last, and real love is pure and kind. Love doesn't play games but instead it is sincere and honest emotion that is a gift not to be taken for granted.

Live, laugh, love

why not...

you deserve to be happy

Connecting...

In today's world of email, im, skype, mobile phones and the all-merging twitter, communication becomes a defining factor in relationships. Being in a long-distance love affair doesn't seem so crucial anymore, all you have to do is log on and BOOM your sweetheart from the other side of the planet is in your living room. It's that easy! The problem is that we become dependent on that line of communication to fuel our relationships.

It's great to get home in the evening from a long day at the office, log on to your skype account, and chat with a friend for whom the day is just starting. Even better to share pictures, MP3s, video etc instantly. People are becoming connected not just electronically but emotionally. I think it's a false perception of closeness.

Our relationships become defined by IM statuses.

• online - I love you! I miss you! I want to talk to you!


• away - I don't want to be bothered! I am mad at you! I am testing you


• busy - I really am busy, if you take it personally that's your bad


• offline - I really don't give a damn! I don't want to talk to anyone!

We are happy when we see the stupid green icon and we get annoyed when it turns red. We make life-altering decisions based on an illusion. We are human. We need to touch, smell, talk while looking in your partner's eyes. It's nice when you write a post about your bad day and someone leaves a sympathetic comment, but it's nothing comparing to a simple hug.

Tears

I always feel helpless when I see someone crying, especially a stranger. They are everywhere; walking down the street, standing on the corner, riding on the train. They are always women, never really seen a man cry in public, don't really want to. Sometimes there is someone there consoling her but most of the time she is alone, so lost in her own grief, so blinded by the tears.

I see the pain all over her face, her eyes speak volumes. She lost someone, was betrayed, disrespected, offended. She lives in this moment but she can't separate herself from the anguish of what's gotten her here, what triggered the tears rolling down her cheeks. The painful fire is in her eyes but it comes from deep within, all the way from her core, her soul. Her emotions are overpowering and she could care less if anyone is watching. She wants to drown in the pain and not exist right now. How could this happen to her? Why is the world so cruel?

I always wonder what it is that she is going through. I can't help her. I won't smile and try to look sympathetic. I will briefly glance out of the corner of my eye and look away, giving her privacy but my thoughts are on her, with her. I am mentally embracing her pain and selfishly thanking God that right now I am not her. One day it will be me and if you see me hurt and crying please don't stare, let me deal with my pain as it rolls over me, just let me be.

Conflicts and Resolutions

I am a strong believer in conflict resolution, meaning there is no need to bitch, whine and complain, if there is a problem I will fix it and move on. Life is basically too short for negativity brought on by others.

There has been numerous conflicts where I played a starring role, nothing drastically major but just pretty much anything ranging from a silly fight with a friend to a brutal road rage. Every one of those conflicts I handled as best as I could. Sure, I pushed a chickenhead into a pool because she was trying to steal my boyfriend, and threw a cup of soda at an asshole who flipped me off and called me the "B" word, but not once did I call the police or snitched anyone out. Basically I don't start a fight unless I can finish it without involvement of authority.

I am a peaceful person and really like when everyone gets along but if a conflict arises regardless of fault don't go running to mommy telling on me, come to me like an adult and tell it to my face. If you can't do that, you are coward. Don't be a fucking coward.

Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to but I am angry. Right now I am at war and even though it feels so much better to rebuttal and sink down to my opponent's level, I am not going to do that because I have principles, yes I have integrity. I will be the bigger person and handle the situation like a real woman. I will try. Tomorrow. But for now I just feel like saying "biatch, you don't know who you are fucking with!"

Dark Side

Today is one of those days when the dark side of my being is taking over. I am feeling down, even sad. There is no specific reason for that or maybe there are too many. It feels like recently my life has been following a rocky path: home, work, love, friends etc. Sure I have a ton of great adventures ahead to look forward to, but today they all seem too far away, too unreachable. My dreams appear to be foolish, goals unreasonable, future uncertain.

My greatest fear is loneliness and today I feel alone. The sensible part of my mind knows that it's not true, but the emotional, overwhelmingly predominant part of me is taking over.

I am strong and this is just a bad day. It will end and there will be another better one tomorrow. It's a cycle of life. I am on the dark stripe today and with all my strength reaching for the lighter one.

Thank You

From experience brought by the difficulty I have relating to most people I conclude that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am loud, demanding of attention, love to talk shit about people (strangers and otherwise) etc...but I am a good person. I am caring, kind and really the best friend one can have if they let me be that. I also can be the worst enemy, and in some cases my relationships with others went from best to worst.

Most people don't want to see past my rough exterior therefore they don't get the benefit of knowing the real me. I intimidate people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just me and quite frankly those who can't accept me for who I really am, can go where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I have are real. There are a few people in my life who I refer to as "girlfriends" or "homies" but not all of them are my real friends. I do have a million acquaintances and sometimes random people even recognize me on the street, but I can honestly say that I can count all my real true friends using my fingers.

I love you Mary, Erin, Raya, Erica

These gals seen me at my worst time and not once did they judge me for it. Whenever I was at my lowest low they were there for me, just being there and them supporting me was all that I needed, all that mattered.

Thank you AJ

My wonderful little boy. It's because of him I turned my life around. Becoming a mother was the greatest experience and I thank my son for it. He is my best friend. On the bad days he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and on he good ones I share all my joys with him. He is only 7 years old, yet we talk about life, love, friendships and everything in between. He is my love, my sunshine, my everything.

Thank you Jerome

When my friend was gunned down and murdered this man held me while I wept. He let me cry in his arms till there were no tears left and for that I am forever thankful.

Thank you Igor

Thank you just for being you. Laughing with you is really what makes me stay sane at work most days.

Thank you Сева

When I felt that I was loosing the understanding of who I am and where I come from, this man sent me a picture of me and him sitting next to each other 17 years ago. He remembered me and I started to remember who I really am.

Thank you Ира, Эля

When I wanted to forget, they didn't. They came back into my life remembering all the childhood memories we shared.

Thank you cousin Natasha

When I felt confused trying to justify my own wrongful actions, she made me see that there is actually nothing wrong with what I am doing, that I am just following my heart and searching for happiness.

Thank you Mom and Dad

When I was in trouble, they always got me out of it. They supported and loved me as much as they physically could.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa

Last but not least my grandma and grandpa deserve the biggest "thank you" in the world. They raised me, fed me, cleaned me, and loved me absolutely unconditionally. My grandpa passed away and I will never be able to let go of that pain. My grandma still stands as strong as her age allows her. God bless.

It is the greatest joy to have people who truly care and love you. Don't take them for granted. Love them, listen to them, be the one they can lean on. Life is hard and we need to be strong, strength comes from being together.