Alive

Emotions are life. When I feel, I breathe. I can be totally wrapped in sadness but as long as my heart beats out of sync I know I am alive.

Happy beats are rare.

I am afraid of being numb. I am in many ways but I know that I can still melt under the right touch.

And I breathe while I still can.

An American Gentleman

Do men still have manners?

American culture or more so lack there of... I have lived in the United States for the most of my life but never got used to men not having manners. In my culture the vast majority of men know how to treat a lady. Sure those guys can be jerks and possess many other negative qualities but I guarantee they will all open the door, pull out a chair and help the woman into the car. Russian men will take it as a disrespectful gesture if the woman even tries to pull out her credit card, while in America women who demand that kind of a treatment are considered golddiggers. Personally I am appalled by the lack of respect towards the female part of American society.

Commonly American men use this phrase as an excuse for their poor upbringing; "women fought for their independence and the right to vote and such, so they should take care of themselves". Excuse the fuck out of me but if you, the man, ask me to join you in a restaurant and we are not buddies why should I worry about the check? If you, the man, offer to give me a ride why should I struggle to squeeze into your car. If you, the man, see me, the woman, walking within a few feet of you, why can't you just hold the damn door open for me and let me walk in first? The list is neverending really... And please, guys, those ones of you who consider yourself well-mannered, think twice about that if you act like a gentleman and then expect a favor in return. I guarantee that all the poor mothers of these men always broke their back for their fathers and never even knew what it's like to be a lady.

I strongly believe that women should have many rights that men do but I am not denying that we are the "weaker sex". I personally can't fix a car and don't feel that I should but if I'm driving with a man and my tire pops his response shouldn't be; "let's call AAA". Women already work full time jobs and often enough are the heads of the household but that doesn't mean that a man should act like a bitch.

I am really not trying to piss you guys off, simply letting you know that I have no room in my life for ignorance.

Wassup With Me - 07 / 23 / 08

What has been going on with me? What hasn't. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, luckily never reaching it's peaks. I coasted through.

There were: old (yet still there) love, new and old friends, men, good food, alcohol, cigarettes etc. I couldn't come up with one topic to write about just because there was too much going on. It is kind of like watching Jurassic Park, you just know something is going to jump out at you from behind almost every corner.

Tomorrow I am going out to a really big party and on Saturday I very possibly be singing to a karaoke. For now I am just contemplating many things and once my thoughts are clear I will put them on your computer screen.

Good night.

Hard to Get Gets Harder

I wrote about playing games a few times in my blog but I just want to address it again. I just don't understand why people like to fuck with each others heads.

A friend of mine (who is a perfect textbook example of a 30-something male) told me recently:

"When you like someone and show it the other person will always not be as interested as you are or even as you want them to be until the roles reverse".

I thought about that and have to agree even though I hate to admit it. I can say with confidence that I am not one of those people but I am as usual a minority. I act on instinct: meaning if I like a guy I will flirt and show my attraction and if I don't, I will not pay him much attention. So if I am obviously interested in you all you have to do is not get intimidated by my confidence and just enjoy it, we both know it won't last forever. I am not easy and I don't throw myself on men but if I meet someone who gets my juices flowing I will go for it. If I don't return your calls it's not because I want you to keep calling but because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like playing "hard to get", don't see a point in it but unfortunately it seems to be the way to get the boys.

Why do you guys like when the girl acts like she likes someone else? Why does it make you crazy with passion when your emails, IMs, sms and voicemails go unanswered? Why is it that when you sense that the girl who was interested in you at one point and whom you rejected because she came on too strong and is now cooled off towards you, you want her all of a sudden? She is still the same girl but she is tired of playing your games and is really not interested in you anymore, so just because you decided that now is the time to display your male animal-like behavior, will not make her want you, you missed out on your chance.

I think about this subject a lot and wonder. Relationships that start off being hot right off the bat, cool off very fast. But the ones that start as friendships develop a foundation that is much deeper than all the heavy breathing and morph into something real, even if that's just a stronger friendship.

I give up on pursuing men! That's it! Can't do it anymore. I obviously can't be who I am without being perceived as something I am not so I put my forwardness in my pocket. No more showing attraction, no more flirting. We'll see how that pans out.

Устала Маша.

The Breakup

Today I got broken-up with and not the usual kinda break-up way. It wasn't even a guy it was a girl who I, up until today, considered a good friend.

We weren't best friends, as a matter of fact when I first met her I didn't want to be friends with her at all, but over the course of last 6 months she grew on me. We went through a few hard and good times together and even though we are very different we found a common language.

She is simple and always positive, I on the other hand am very complicated and have a lot of bad days. She is not well spoken nor educated but a kind, good person and an even better mother. That is something that we shared - we are both single mothers of the same age. Our situations are very different but at the same time the amount and the significance of our differences drew us towards each other. Something just worked.

I can't say that I fully knew her, I understand now that I definitely didn't but her good heart made me overlook her ignorance. I accepted her just as she was and only expected the same in return. Up until today I had that.

I don't know what I did to make her break our friendship but it must have been significant or maybe I am just the kind of person who doesn't burn bridges. I always give people a chance to speak their side and most likely another chance.

We were fine yesterday, now that I replay everything that took place last night I guess I see some red flags but they are by no means enough to kill a friendship.

Here is what happened:

She started seeing some guy about 2 weeks ago. I know she really wants to have a boyfriend but I am almost inclined to think that the desire overpowers her common sense. I should have just stayed out of it but as a friend I warned her that certain aspects of this guy's personality (based on what she told me about him) were peculiar to me and went against my "dateable" standard. I didn't push my opinion, just warned her to be careful since she recently had a traumatic experience. We talked on the way home from work and everything seemed fine. She asked why I seem a little indifferent today and I explained that I am just in an i-don't-give-a-fuck kind of mood. When we got off the train we parted ways and made a plan to call each other later. I was very tired. When I got home I laid down and shortly was near sleep when something told me to check my e-mail. My inbox indicator told me that I have one message. Her and I belong to the same social network and what I saw in my e-mail is that the guy she is seeing sent me a message via that network. I found it a bit strange since I never seen nor talked to the guy but went ahead and read his words which simply greeted me and asked me how I was. I didn't reply, stepping on my friend's toes is never an option in my book, those guys are of no interest to me whatsoever - the quality of my character I wear with pride. I decided to send her an sms and tell her that her guy is messaging me, hey us girls should stick together, right? Well I am not sure what really happened after that.

Here is the chain of sms:

me: hey your guy is messaging me via ***
her: you should reply to him
me: ok I will tomorrow
her: are you busy?
me: a little, watching TV with my son
her: ok are you busy?
me: if I don't fall asleep I will call you later

I had no intent to call her, I was beat.
This morning she didn't call me as usual (we ride to work together). I thought that maybe she isn't going to work and sent her and sms which went unreplied. Sent a few more of those and left a couple of voice-mails - all went unanswered. I found it strange since this girl is a known bugaboo.

Here is the next set of sms:

me: are you ok? I am worried. Why are you not calling me?
her: don't worry. I just don't want to talk to you
me: what did I do to you?
her: nothing
me: why are you mad at me?
me: you owe me an explanation
me: I was nothing but a good friend to you
her: good friends don't do what you did. Friendship is over.
me: fine I won't write or call you anymore but just think that maybe you are making a mistake

Then I saw a notification that she deleted me of the friend list on the social network.

And just like that the friendship is over.

It's All About the Job

I am very angry. I keep my posts blurry but need to be clear that there is a warrior in me today. I am ready to click-clack my heels and go kick some ass. It's all work related so I have to fight with words and not fists.

I am amazed at how me not smiling can just put a negative shell all around me. I wasn't a bitch - I told it how it was, was cold and professional, like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada. It really is all about the job but I refuse to get walked all over and not demand to be heard and respected.

It's all about the job.

I am probably not making much sense to you reader, but every time the tip of my finger hits the key the keyboard is rattling with my anger.

Something Real

Life is so ironic. Always want what we can't have. Like Alanis Morisette said:

"It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife"

It happens so very rarely when 2 people click and they can just be themselves with one another without any insecurities and prejudices. Friendship is the foundation of happiness. Weather it's platonic or emotionally charged, establishing that friendship is the key to making a relationship last. Friendship is pure and selfless as should love be. Those who are lucky enough to find a friend in a person of an opposite sex have a chance for something real. There will be no games, just pure, honest love.