Pain is no longer mine

I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.

Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.

It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.

I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.

I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.

Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.

I think I will be alright.

Ignorance

I hate ignorance. Ignorance can be spread like cancer through words, actions, just through people. So many people make judgment without any merit. It pisses me off when people start running their mouth about a country they've never been to, a person they've never met, a job they've never worked. Тhe lack of intelligence seeps out of their pores. Those are the kind of people I just eliminate from my life. There is no room for them in my already crowded existence.

Obsessions

Very often I catch myself finding something to obsess about and obsessing over and over to the point of insanity. I think I do it out of boredom. Life can be so dull.

It can be a project, an idea, a person, an insecurity, just anything and I get so into it that I actually start imagining something that is not real. I think I end up causing myself pain in the long run from that.

I need to have better self-control. I told myself that so many times. It's better to just not give a damn about anything than force yourself to hallucinate.

Первый Русский Пост

Объясняю...

Я проживаю в Штатах с 1992 года. Как я сюда попала и детали последних 16 лет в этом посте обсуждать не буду, но скажу так: было время (93-06) когда я общалась исключительно с англо-говорящими людьми. Русское общение в моей жизни того времени было ограничено необходимостью поддерживания отношений с родителями, да необходимостью, но это другая тема.

Примерно год назад в моей жизни появился человек который открыл мне глаза на мои корни и с тех пор в моей жизни очень многое изменилось. Одновременно мои глаза увидели тупизм и бескультурье страны в которой я живу.

Друзья, мидия и общение в целом в моей сегодняшней жизни на 75% русское. Оставшиеся 25% составляют меньшую но не менее дорогую часть, я окружаю себя лучшим из двух миров.

Я Русская и горжусь этим.

За ранее прошу простить мои граматические ошибки, т.к. русская клавиатура тоже новый консепт в моей русско-американской жизни.

Slipping Away

My Grandma (the dearest person tome) has had a stroke and I feel like she is dying. I haven't seen her since it happened. Doctors say that after a stroke there is a huge chance for another one. I am scared she is slipping away. She raised me, she has to make it.

Moving and Moving On

I am a total mess today. There is so much going on in my life I am having a hard time processing it all. Ok I am gonna roll back and start where my last post left off...

So I got back from my trip and was licking my wounds. They are still healing but I have definitely moved on from the mishap of the New Year, basically shit happens and it was a lesson learned.

The problems that gloomed over me before never disappeared and became even more disturbing, so 2 days ago I found myself in a place I have never been before, I made a solid decision to get a fresh start. I am looking for a new place to move possibly. I don't know how it will all work out but it is sure worth a try. I feel that if I stay in my apartment my life will never change. I need to do something drastic to force myself to accept the direction my life needs to go in...which kind of brings me to the next point...

Yesterday I was talking to a guy-friend of mine on the late night, we were both not-sober so the topics of our conversations held no barriers. He told me about his romantic adventures, which put a little ping in my stomach even though I have no reason to get jealous, non at all except for the fact that he verbally resembles the kind of man I want to be with, but oh well, never was mine so no reason to be upset. Actually I respect him being real and telling me the truth, so many men do just the opposite...shit women do that too..ah we are all guilty of being liars for selfish reasons. Anyways after he confessed his part he asked me; "wassup with your personal life?" and my answer was "I don't have any". Sad as it may sound it is indeed true, and that is the reason I need to embark on a new journey. Need to be independent and embrace the freedom of my upcoming 30s.

To all my readers I apologize for not writing too often but I will try to improve that. Thanks for your support and keep me in your prayers.

Heartbeats

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.