Flying Above the Ground

As some of you may have noticed most of my latest posts have been border-line depressing and while I am not stupid and very cautious of my heart I still managed to get myself into the candy rain yet again. OMG it feels so good when all the fears dissolve and a strong, deep voice of a sexy man gently tells you to set the worries aside.

Romance and possibility of love are intoxicating.

Everything feels unreal.

Let's see how it all works out.

20 Latest Twitter Favorites - 11.14.07

Taken from my favorites list on Twitter. About 50/50 English/Russian. These are hot!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Лучшая шуба - это стакан водки.

FanXFire FanXFire Кто-то работает, кто-то просыпается, кто-то отдыхает, кто-то ложится.. А я, тем временем, влюбился =) ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Не нужно бороться с темнотой, нужно зажечь свет

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM День только начался, а меня уже успели заебать.

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - excellent post. You nailed it perfectly

Girlsnap babygirlxo I dream of twitter.

Артём Soulmate soulmate Вьетнамцы ходят во вьетнамках.

Alice Bradley finslippy If you want to feel good about yourself, go to the liquor store at noon on a weekday.

Aimster drivingmecrazy i am going to hell. Anyone wanna bring marshmallows?

Gody Gody Just read an article that before the news sites could post anything about the earthquake the news was all over Twitter. That is AWESOME! :)

i heart quotes iheartquotes You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down. -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пока меня не было на работе какая-то сука отформатировала компьютер. Это пиздец. Найду — убью. ...

Todd Kelley toddkelley Why does being Black mean you're one step under in 'class' but one step over in 'cool'?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision I am the cause of my own unhappiness - blaming it on others is irresponsible

i heart quotes iheartquotes I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Shafiq Jetha sjetha The more black and white you make the world, the more the grey stands out.

Nearbird nearbird You could be my unintended Choice to live my life extended You could be the one I'll always love You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions You could be the one I'll always love

Todd Kelley toddkelley resurfacing... sticking my head out... making sure the danger is gone...

Vika merely "Но я до сих пор не умею прощаться, С теми, кого я любил"

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пришел спам с темой «Уничтожим всех, кто вам мешает!».

Breaking a Wall or Bloddy Knuckles?

Why is it that once you stop caring about something or someone, an event occurs to bring it all back? You just managed to let go of your hurt feelings and BOOM you are forced to relive the pain all over again. It might have taken you a long time to move on or maybe you just made the decision and finally stuck to it, and now everything you were so sure of is uncertain and right in front of you to be dealt with again.

It's a cruel twist of faith. You are given a challenge, it feels like the little devil on your shoulder is asking "are you really sure you don't want to give it another shot?" and the angel on the other side is rebutting "you did it once, if it didn't work the first time it won't this time, why get yourself hurt again".

You are forced into the position where you have to decide between wrong and right, but who knows which one is which. Is the angel really the good guy or is he the one who is just holding you back from taking a chance that can change your life for the better? Is taking a chance really that bad? And what about the devil, he is so determined to push you into something that you know feels so good but can end so bad?

So what do you do? You can hit the brick wall enough times in hope that it falls down eventually or you can just make your knuckles bleed.

Cold Shot of Reality

Today feels like another bad day but I actually think that it's opposite of that. Sometimes what defines a good day is not a happy event but the one that makes you look at life from a different perspective. Life is not what it is right now but what it's gonna be from this point on.

Over the last few months I have been living in some sort of daze. I am partially responsible for putting myself in that state of mind, ok maybe I even carry more than 50% of responsibility. It was good like a pink mist, but fake. It was a mirage, an illusion and I knew it all along. I chose to ignore common sense and forced myself to see something that wasn't there. I did it out of need for something new and hopeful. The post I wrote last Friday was about hope, well now I am realizing that there was none. I made it all up because it felt good.

This week was hard because the pink mist was slowly drying out and I started seeing the harsh greyness of the reality which came to it's peak today when I got an email which to me was a cold shot of reality. It was a copy/paste from some article online that someone thought I would get a kick out of. It had a much different effect on me. It hurt at first but then it was kind of refreshing. I felt liberated in ways. I am not gonna reveal the words that are so clear in my head, their meaning actually, but I will say that now I feel grounded and I can move forward without holding my breath.

So there was no hope, so what...I am stronger than that, and so I go on "stand-by" mode of my life again.

The pink mist is gone. I didn't ask for it in the first place.

Attack of the Christmas Tree

I am not sure what happenned overnight in the city (San Francisco) but apparently Santa has come by. There are Christmas trees, bows, gift-wrapping paper everywhere. Even in Starbucks I got my cinnamon dolce latte in a holiday cup, I almost dropped my coffee. I seriously started having an anxiety attack; my breathing got heavy and vision blurry. It is only November 8th, we are still 3 weeks away from Thanksgiving and all this madness is already upon us. Christmas is a great holiday for the kids but for adults, especially those like yours truly whose family is not the desirable bunch to cuddle with and roast marshmallows, it becomes a huge and a very expensive pain in the ass.

It all started dawning on me; the work schedule is insane till end of year, need to get ready for my trip...OMG...my trip is now becoming a stress factor. I don't have everything that I need, no gifts for my friends and I am still not 100% sure where I will be staying at. Oh yeah, and my money is kinda funny.

I will make it, I always do but why is this holiday metamorphosed from a joyous day to a over commercialized, incredibly stressful time of the year. I don't like and don't want Christmas. I am scared of it.

Discussing on Twitter

I am a big twitterhead . I communicate through Twitter for many reasons; to meet new people, network, learn what's happening in the world and the wide web, even voyeur. Twitter is my sin, it gives me something I don't get elsewhere. I see how the topics of twits change daily. Since I follow both Russian and American, even a few European twitterers I get to see the views from different ends of the world. People discuss a large variety of topics, anything from the obvious hot gadget like iPhone to peejays and get this, sexy stockings with strings. Yes! That topic dominated the twitter board on my screen all day yesterday. People flirted and got silly from across the world.

On the other side of the spectrum I noticed a not so happy subject that took dominance across the board on Twitter lately. Loneliness
"от одиночества умирают?" (translated: Can you die from loneliness?). Someone asked that today and it made me think...I don't know? Can you? There are men and women out there who are alone right now, some of them are all by themselves and others have someone who should be close to them but really they are the furthest away. There are those who are looking for love, and those who are just thinking about it, putting their thoughts down in a blog post. We are just lonely soles lost in the virtual world, and we find some comfort in it. I know I do.

New Page in My Book

I am full of mixed emotions. It's very new for me to go through so many ups and downs back to back.

It all started in June. Someone came into my life, a ghost from the past with a hope for the future. So many new feelings stirred up inside of me, good and bad all mixed in one funnel cloud. At times I am filled with excitement and hope and with all that ecstasy comes fear. Mostly it's the fear of the unknown, fear of letting go of something stable even though it's the cause of my unhappiness. I haven't had hope for a very long time. Before June my life was very monotone, hate to admit it but I found certain comfort in that. When someone asked me what my plans were, I always had a solid answer, my life was very predictable. Nothing has physically changed yet but emotionally I am on a whole different level.

I am taking it a day at a time, doing my best to keep the negative feelings away, feelings such as boredom and hopelessness with occasional pings of jealousy. I want to be happy and I feel like I have a chance, it's a very slim chance but that's all I got and it is a whole lot more than what I had in my old predictable life. I am on a new page and I am gonna make the best of it if it kills me.