Offline

Me turning 30 had a great impact on my life. Sure the silly youthful mistakes are no longer justified but it is more than that. I am aware that many of you have been wondering what happened to me and if I will ever write again. I was hesitant to lay myself out in a web format but a letter from a stranger stirred something in me and influenced me to hit the keys which will result in yet another post. Thank you stranger, your letter means much more to me than you think.

I will tell you where I have been and why I chose to stay offline. The decision to stop twittering, blogging, IMing and overall communicating via internet was a very conscious one.

1. I decided to stop searching and chasing butterflies. So much of my energy was concentrated towards socializing that I started neglecting those who need me the most, those I love.

I am no longer in search of love. I still believe in it, it is just not what I am about any more. I am not looking for a man to sweep me off my feet, not looking for any new friends. I realized that while I was so busy searching I became blind that what I already have, that being my family.

I never mentioned but my son does have a father, a pretty good one at that. Sure he is far from perfect but he has been a part of my life since adolescence. I always loved him but the romance has dissipated over the course of many years as a family unit. Indeed we are a family and I intend to keep it that way. Me having selfish impulses is a terrible reason to destroy something that so many can only hope for. Our son has a mom and dad and that is so precious. Our relationship is far from perfect but it is a relationship that has been tested and stood through the good and a whole lot of bad.

I decided to give him another chance.
Me staying offline and aiming my energy towards my family became a seamless process.

2. Work is another reason that I quit social networking. I love my job and whether I wanted to admit it or not, socializing was distracting me. I just couldn't catch that high anymore, the high I get when I create and see results.

I want to say that I cut my computer time by 60% and am very happy with my decision. I am still around and after receiving that letter today I decided that I will keep blogging. I like writing, that is one of the ways I exercise my creative demons.

Closure

Closure. It's a needed final step to end a life chapter. Funny how it's not always what logic tells us it should be.

What happenned to me was rather tragic but there is no need to go into details anymore. I was eliminated from someone's life, a man whom I had feelings for. It wasn't premeditated on his part, he just didn't think and when we parted he didn't offer me an explanation. I was forced to think of scenarios that lead to such a cruel outcome. At times I thought there was something wrong with me; maybe I was fat, or ugly, or spoke too loud. I know that I am neither but when you get rejected this madness veils over your brain and it is so hard to break away.

I thought my closure would be to find out WHY.

Time has passed (9 months to be exact). With every day I thought less and less of him, the one who didn't even realize the depth of the wounds he laid on my heart. I came to terms that I will never get an explanation and proclaimed time to be my healer, my closure.

Out of the blue he stepped back in my life. One message, just a few words that stirred me from inside out.

"It's about time you forgave everything"

How would you react to that? I thought and thought and finally replied with what I considered my final goodbye, with what i hoped would be a final paragraph in that chapter. I didn't need his explanation anymore. I wanted to leave him in my past. He didn't understand what I was trying to say and was appalled at my rejection. I have no desire to be in contact with him and he kept insisting on us being friends. I found it absurd but kept my cool and tried to use my words to let him go yet again. He just didn't get it and when I realized how stupid he is, I felt bad for ever thinking he was more. He stooped down low and threw some insults at me which forced me to simply spam him.

My final words to him were:
"How stupid you are. I am sick of it. You are blocked."

I don't know if he will find another way to get to me or even if he'll try. I am certain that I have finally moved on. There is nothing to hold on to. I freed myself. I got my closure.

Hitting 30 - A Birthday Post

So tomorrow is my 30th birthday which at first drastically depressed me. Normally I am not the kind of woman to get embarrassed by numbers; age, weight, height - it is what it is, who cares. This time around the age thing got me down just a little. I will no longer be in my 20s, I will now officially be a grown woman. Of course I have been a woman for a long time since that title is not really age but maturity based. One can be a total immature idiot at 30 and still act like a little girl, it is however more logical to refer to a younger girl in her 20s as a woman than a woman in her 30s as a girl.

I asked myself a question: what will the 30s bring?, which got me thinking as to what the 20s dropped off in my life. Actually that brought a smile to my lips. I accomplished a whole lot during the last decade.

So here it is, the accomplishments of the 20s era: when I was...
...20 I moved to San Francisco, started college, got pregnant.
...21 I had a baby, my wonderful little boy named AJ. I never stayed home after birth, kept going to school. I also became a U.S. citizen.
...22 I decided on my major and started going to school full time. 9/11 happened that year.
...23 I kept working my ass off at school.
...24 I won 3 awards for my design work. I graduated with a BFA in Computer Arts/New Media. I started my own business.
...25 I got my first REAL job where I still work!
...26 I advanced from being a web designer to department manager within first 2 months.
...27 I officially got promoted to Web Development Manager.
...28 I became involved deeply in the internet and it's webs. I fell in love. I embraced my Russian roots. I reunited with my childhood friends. I went back to Moscow for the first time in 10 years.
...29 I nursed my bleeding heart back to numbness just to realize that a few words from the one who broke it make it bleed all over again. I consolidated my credit cards and started to live on a strict budget. I got myself mentally ready for the 30s...did I?

If my 30s can even come close to matching my conquests of the 20s it will be fantastic. Here are some goals I have for the next 10 years:

1. Get out of debt!


2. Move to a home I would love to invite friends over to.


3. Refurnish and decorate my home.


4. Become a Creative Director!


5. Have an office with a door.


6. See my son graduate High School and go to college - OMG sob sob!!!


7. Find inner peace even if it doesn't include a man in my life.


8. Go on at least 1 vacation abroad every year (once I pay off my debt of course)


9. Have at least one more child, preferably 2.


10. Get married - not sure if this will happen

Alive

Emotions are life. When I feel, I breathe. I can be totally wrapped in sadness but as long as my heart beats out of sync I know I am alive.

Happy beats are rare.

I am afraid of being numb. I am in many ways but I know that I can still melt under the right touch.

And I breathe while I still can.

An American Gentleman

Do men still have manners?

American culture or more so lack there of... I have lived in the United States for the most of my life but never got used to men not having manners. In my culture the vast majority of men know how to treat a lady. Sure those guys can be jerks and possess many other negative qualities but I guarantee they will all open the door, pull out a chair and help the woman into the car. Russian men will take it as a disrespectful gesture if the woman even tries to pull out her credit card, while in America women who demand that kind of a treatment are considered golddiggers. Personally I am appalled by the lack of respect towards the female part of American society.

Commonly American men use this phrase as an excuse for their poor upbringing; "women fought for their independence and the right to vote and such, so they should take care of themselves". Excuse the fuck out of me but if you, the man, ask me to join you in a restaurant and we are not buddies why should I worry about the check? If you, the man, offer to give me a ride why should I struggle to squeeze into your car. If you, the man, see me, the woman, walking within a few feet of you, why can't you just hold the damn door open for me and let me walk in first? The list is neverending really... And please, guys, those ones of you who consider yourself well-mannered, think twice about that if you act like a gentleman and then expect a favor in return. I guarantee that all the poor mothers of these men always broke their back for their fathers and never even knew what it's like to be a lady.

I strongly believe that women should have many rights that men do but I am not denying that we are the "weaker sex". I personally can't fix a car and don't feel that I should but if I'm driving with a man and my tire pops his response shouldn't be; "let's call AAA". Women already work full time jobs and often enough are the heads of the household but that doesn't mean that a man should act like a bitch.

I am really not trying to piss you guys off, simply letting you know that I have no room in my life for ignorance.

Wassup With Me - 07 / 23 / 08

What has been going on with me? What hasn't. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, luckily never reaching it's peaks. I coasted through.

There were: old (yet still there) love, new and old friends, men, good food, alcohol, cigarettes etc. I couldn't come up with one topic to write about just because there was too much going on. It is kind of like watching Jurassic Park, you just know something is going to jump out at you from behind almost every corner.

Tomorrow I am going out to a really big party and on Saturday I very possibly be singing to a karaoke. For now I am just contemplating many things and once my thoughts are clear I will put them on your computer screen.

Good night.

Hard to Get Gets Harder

I wrote about playing games a few times in my blog but I just want to address it again. I just don't understand why people like to fuck with each others heads.

A friend of mine (who is a perfect textbook example of a 30-something male) told me recently:

"When you like someone and show it the other person will always not be as interested as you are or even as you want them to be until the roles reverse".

I thought about that and have to agree even though I hate to admit it. I can say with confidence that I am not one of those people but I am as usual a minority. I act on instinct: meaning if I like a guy I will flirt and show my attraction and if I don't, I will not pay him much attention. So if I am obviously interested in you all you have to do is not get intimidated by my confidence and just enjoy it, we both know it won't last forever. I am not easy and I don't throw myself on men but if I meet someone who gets my juices flowing I will go for it. If I don't return your calls it's not because I want you to keep calling but because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like playing "hard to get", don't see a point in it but unfortunately it seems to be the way to get the boys.

Why do you guys like when the girl acts like she likes someone else? Why does it make you crazy with passion when your emails, IMs, sms and voicemails go unanswered? Why is it that when you sense that the girl who was interested in you at one point and whom you rejected because she came on too strong and is now cooled off towards you, you want her all of a sudden? She is still the same girl but she is tired of playing your games and is really not interested in you anymore, so just because you decided that now is the time to display your male animal-like behavior, will not make her want you, you missed out on your chance.

I think about this subject a lot and wonder. Relationships that start off being hot right off the bat, cool off very fast. But the ones that start as friendships develop a foundation that is much deeper than all the heavy breathing and morph into something real, even if that's just a stronger friendship.

I give up on pursuing men! That's it! Can't do it anymore. I obviously can't be who I am without being perceived as something I am not so I put my forwardness in my pocket. No more showing attraction, no more flirting. We'll see how that pans out.

Устала Маша.