Closure

Closure. It's a needed final step to end a life chapter. Funny how it's not always what logic tells us it should be.

What happenned to me was rather tragic but there is no need to go into details anymore. I was eliminated from someone's life, a man whom I had feelings for. It wasn't premeditated on his part, he just didn't think and when we parted he didn't offer me an explanation. I was forced to think of scenarios that lead to such a cruel outcome. At times I thought there was something wrong with me; maybe I was fat, or ugly, or spoke too loud. I know that I am neither but when you get rejected this madness veils over your brain and it is so hard to break away.

I thought my closure would be to find out WHY.

Time has passed (9 months to be exact). With every day I thought less and less of him, the one who didn't even realize the depth of the wounds he laid on my heart. I came to terms that I will never get an explanation and proclaimed time to be my healer, my closure.

Out of the blue he stepped back in my life. One message, just a few words that stirred me from inside out.

"It's about time you forgave everything"

How would you react to that? I thought and thought and finally replied with what I considered my final goodbye, with what i hoped would be a final paragraph in that chapter. I didn't need his explanation anymore. I wanted to leave him in my past. He didn't understand what I was trying to say and was appalled at my rejection. I have no desire to be in contact with him and he kept insisting on us being friends. I found it absurd but kept my cool and tried to use my words to let him go yet again. He just didn't get it and when I realized how stupid he is, I felt bad for ever thinking he was more. He stooped down low and threw some insults at me which forced me to simply spam him.

My final words to him were:
"How stupid you are. I am sick of it. You are blocked."

I don't know if he will find another way to get to me or even if he'll try. I am certain that I have finally moved on. There is nothing to hold on to. I freed myself. I got my closure.

Hitting 30 - A Birthday Post

So tomorrow is my 30th birthday which at first drastically depressed me. Normally I am not the kind of woman to get embarrassed by numbers; age, weight, height - it is what it is, who cares. This time around the age thing got me down just a little. I will no longer be in my 20s, I will now officially be a grown woman. Of course I have been a woman for a long time since that title is not really age but maturity based. One can be a total immature idiot at 30 and still act like a little girl, it is however more logical to refer to a younger girl in her 20s as a woman than a woman in her 30s as a girl.

I asked myself a question: what will the 30s bring?, which got me thinking as to what the 20s dropped off in my life. Actually that brought a smile to my lips. I accomplished a whole lot during the last decade.

So here it is, the accomplishments of the 20s era: when I was...
...20 I moved to San Francisco, started college, got pregnant.
...21 I had a baby, my wonderful little boy named AJ. I never stayed home after birth, kept going to school. I also became a U.S. citizen.
...22 I decided on my major and started going to school full time. 9/11 happened that year.
...23 I kept working my ass off at school.
...24 I won 3 awards for my design work. I graduated with a BFA in Computer Arts/New Media. I started my own business.
...25 I got my first REAL job where I still work!
...26 I advanced from being a web designer to department manager within first 2 months.
...27 I officially got promoted to Web Development Manager.
...28 I became involved deeply in the internet and it's webs. I fell in love. I embraced my Russian roots. I reunited with my childhood friends. I went back to Moscow for the first time in 10 years.
...29 I nursed my bleeding heart back to numbness just to realize that a few words from the one who broke it make it bleed all over again. I consolidated my credit cards and started to live on a strict budget. I got myself mentally ready for the 30s...did I?

If my 30s can even come close to matching my conquests of the 20s it will be fantastic. Here are some goals I have for the next 10 years:

1. Get out of debt!


2. Move to a home I would love to invite friends over to.


3. Refurnish and decorate my home.


4. Become a Creative Director!


5. Have an office with a door.


6. See my son graduate High School and go to college - OMG sob sob!!!


7. Find inner peace even if it doesn't include a man in my life.


8. Go on at least 1 vacation abroad every year (once I pay off my debt of course)


9. Have at least one more child, preferably 2.


10. Get married - not sure if this will happen

Alive

Emotions are life. When I feel, I breathe. I can be totally wrapped in sadness but as long as my heart beats out of sync I know I am alive.

Happy beats are rare.

I am afraid of being numb. I am in many ways but I know that I can still melt under the right touch.

And I breathe while I still can.

An American Gentleman

Do men still have manners?

American culture or more so lack there of... I have lived in the United States for the most of my life but never got used to men not having manners. In my culture the vast majority of men know how to treat a lady. Sure those guys can be jerks and possess many other negative qualities but I guarantee they will all open the door, pull out a chair and help the woman into the car. Russian men will take it as a disrespectful gesture if the woman even tries to pull out her credit card, while in America women who demand that kind of a treatment are considered golddiggers. Personally I am appalled by the lack of respect towards the female part of American society.

Commonly American men use this phrase as an excuse for their poor upbringing; "women fought for their independence and the right to vote and such, so they should take care of themselves". Excuse the fuck out of me but if you, the man, ask me to join you in a restaurant and we are not buddies why should I worry about the check? If you, the man, offer to give me a ride why should I struggle to squeeze into your car. If you, the man, see me, the woman, walking within a few feet of you, why can't you just hold the damn door open for me and let me walk in first? The list is neverending really... And please, guys, those ones of you who consider yourself well-mannered, think twice about that if you act like a gentleman and then expect a favor in return. I guarantee that all the poor mothers of these men always broke their back for their fathers and never even knew what it's like to be a lady.

I strongly believe that women should have many rights that men do but I am not denying that we are the "weaker sex". I personally can't fix a car and don't feel that I should but if I'm driving with a man and my tire pops his response shouldn't be; "let's call AAA". Women already work full time jobs and often enough are the heads of the household but that doesn't mean that a man should act like a bitch.

I am really not trying to piss you guys off, simply letting you know that I have no room in my life for ignorance.

Wassup With Me - 07 / 23 / 08

What has been going on with me? What hasn't. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, luckily never reaching it's peaks. I coasted through.

There were: old (yet still there) love, new and old friends, men, good food, alcohol, cigarettes etc. I couldn't come up with one topic to write about just because there was too much going on. It is kind of like watching Jurassic Park, you just know something is going to jump out at you from behind almost every corner.

Tomorrow I am going out to a really big party and on Saturday I very possibly be singing to a karaoke. For now I am just contemplating many things and once my thoughts are clear I will put them on your computer screen.

Good night.

Hard to Get Gets Harder

I wrote about playing games a few times in my blog but I just want to address it again. I just don't understand why people like to fuck with each others heads.

A friend of mine (who is a perfect textbook example of a 30-something male) told me recently:

"When you like someone and show it the other person will always not be as interested as you are or even as you want them to be until the roles reverse".

I thought about that and have to agree even though I hate to admit it. I can say with confidence that I am not one of those people but I am as usual a minority. I act on instinct: meaning if I like a guy I will flirt and show my attraction and if I don't, I will not pay him much attention. So if I am obviously interested in you all you have to do is not get intimidated by my confidence and just enjoy it, we both know it won't last forever. I am not easy and I don't throw myself on men but if I meet someone who gets my juices flowing I will go for it. If I don't return your calls it's not because I want you to keep calling but because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like playing "hard to get", don't see a point in it but unfortunately it seems to be the way to get the boys.

Why do you guys like when the girl acts like she likes someone else? Why does it make you crazy with passion when your emails, IMs, sms and voicemails go unanswered? Why is it that when you sense that the girl who was interested in you at one point and whom you rejected because she came on too strong and is now cooled off towards you, you want her all of a sudden? She is still the same girl but she is tired of playing your games and is really not interested in you anymore, so just because you decided that now is the time to display your male animal-like behavior, will not make her want you, you missed out on your chance.

I think about this subject a lot and wonder. Relationships that start off being hot right off the bat, cool off very fast. But the ones that start as friendships develop a foundation that is much deeper than all the heavy breathing and morph into something real, even if that's just a stronger friendship.

I give up on pursuing men! That's it! Can't do it anymore. I obviously can't be who I am without being perceived as something I am not so I put my forwardness in my pocket. No more showing attraction, no more flirting. We'll see how that pans out.

Устала Маша.

The Breakup

Today I got broken-up with and not the usual kinda break-up way. It wasn't even a guy it was a girl who I, up until today, considered a good friend.

We weren't best friends, as a matter of fact when I first met her I didn't want to be friends with her at all, but over the course of last 6 months she grew on me. We went through a few hard and good times together and even though we are very different we found a common language.

She is simple and always positive, I on the other hand am very complicated and have a lot of bad days. She is not well spoken nor educated but a kind, good person and an even better mother. That is something that we shared - we are both single mothers of the same age. Our situations are very different but at the same time the amount and the significance of our differences drew us towards each other. Something just worked.

I can't say that I fully knew her, I understand now that I definitely didn't but her good heart made me overlook her ignorance. I accepted her just as she was and only expected the same in return. Up until today I had that.

I don't know what I did to make her break our friendship but it must have been significant or maybe I am just the kind of person who doesn't burn bridges. I always give people a chance to speak their side and most likely another chance.

We were fine yesterday, now that I replay everything that took place last night I guess I see some red flags but they are by no means enough to kill a friendship.

Here is what happened:

She started seeing some guy about 2 weeks ago. I know she really wants to have a boyfriend but I am almost inclined to think that the desire overpowers her common sense. I should have just stayed out of it but as a friend I warned her that certain aspects of this guy's personality (based on what she told me about him) were peculiar to me and went against my "dateable" standard. I didn't push my opinion, just warned her to be careful since she recently had a traumatic experience. We talked on the way home from work and everything seemed fine. She asked why I seem a little indifferent today and I explained that I am just in an i-don't-give-a-fuck kind of mood. When we got off the train we parted ways and made a plan to call each other later. I was very tired. When I got home I laid down and shortly was near sleep when something told me to check my e-mail. My inbox indicator told me that I have one message. Her and I belong to the same social network and what I saw in my e-mail is that the guy she is seeing sent me a message via that network. I found it a bit strange since I never seen nor talked to the guy but went ahead and read his words which simply greeted me and asked me how I was. I didn't reply, stepping on my friend's toes is never an option in my book, those guys are of no interest to me whatsoever - the quality of my character I wear with pride. I decided to send her an sms and tell her that her guy is messaging me, hey us girls should stick together, right? Well I am not sure what really happened after that.

Here is the chain of sms:

me: hey your guy is messaging me via ***
her: you should reply to him
me: ok I will tomorrow
her: are you busy?
me: a little, watching TV with my son
her: ok are you busy?
me: if I don't fall asleep I will call you later

I had no intent to call her, I was beat.
This morning she didn't call me as usual (we ride to work together). I thought that maybe she isn't going to work and sent her and sms which went unreplied. Sent a few more of those and left a couple of voice-mails - all went unanswered. I found it strange since this girl is a known bugaboo.

Here is the next set of sms:

me: are you ok? I am worried. Why are you not calling me?
her: don't worry. I just don't want to talk to you
me: what did I do to you?
her: nothing
me: why are you mad at me?
me: you owe me an explanation
me: I was nothing but a good friend to you
her: good friends don't do what you did. Friendship is over.
me: fine I won't write or call you anymore but just think that maybe you are making a mistake

Then I saw a notification that she deleted me of the friend list on the social network.

And just like that the friendship is over.

It's All About the Job

I am very angry. I keep my posts blurry but need to be clear that there is a warrior in me today. I am ready to click-clack my heels and go kick some ass. It's all work related so I have to fight with words and not fists.

I am amazed at how me not smiling can just put a negative shell all around me. I wasn't a bitch - I told it how it was, was cold and professional, like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada. It really is all about the job but I refuse to get walked all over and not demand to be heard and respected.

It's all about the job.

I am probably not making much sense to you reader, but every time the tip of my finger hits the key the keyboard is rattling with my anger.

Something Real

Life is so ironic. Always want what we can't have. Like Alanis Morisette said:

"It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife"

It happens so very rarely when 2 people click and they can just be themselves with one another without any insecurities and prejudices. Friendship is the foundation of happiness. Weather it's platonic or emotionally charged, establishing that friendship is the key to making a relationship last. Friendship is pure and selfless as should love be. Those who are lucky enough to find a friend in a person of an opposite sex have a chance for something real. There will be no games, just pure, honest love.

The Man for Me

Human nature is so incredibly confusing, most of the time we can't explain our own behavior. For example - "why is grass always greener on the other side?". The truth is that once you get on that other side the green grass turns out to be too green, you get allergies from it and kinda start peeking through the hole in the fence and missing the yellowish grass on your old side.

Another example - "Why do we want something we can't have?" Or someone. I notice that in myself. I am addicted to taming the beast. I am always attracted to the 'wrong guy'. He is tall, handsome, devilishly sexy, financially set but he comes with more issues that a 30+ man is allowed to have. He is difficult, doesn't know what he wants, selfish and a player (most of the time). Shit! most of these guys are unavailable - physically and mentally. Some of them have scorned hearts and souls. I want to be the one to get through all that and see the man inside, the man he doesn't allow himself to be. Vulnerability in a man is the sexiest quality.

Why am I so attracted to the type? Well of course for the obvious good on paper (and in the mirror) qualities. (1)I like a man who can take care of himself and teach me a thing or two. I am an intelligent woman but I need a man who I can learn something from. (2)He needs to have the kind of body that can protect me in the streets and make me scream in the sheets (corny but true). (3)He must have a sense of humor, the kind that cracks me up. (4)He needs to be set in life. I don't need a rich man but I refuse to pay a man's bills. No no, made that mistake already before. (5)He must be sexy, it has to ooze from his pores. (4)And most important he needs to be mysterious and impossible to tame.

Lots of men tell me that I am exactly that, impossible to break through, a wild horse, after all I was born the year of the horse (1978). If a guy is see-through he bores me right away. I need to feel like I am different in his life from his other women and maybe even friends. I want to be his friend and confidant. I want something to tie us; mentally and emotionally, something deeper than sex. I want the sex to be lovemaking and not just a fuck.

The issues this type of a man has are overwhelming but I keep falling for him. I need a challenge and perhaps I will never find my match. I am very straight forward and some men are intimidated by that which right away puts them into not-my-type category. I never make the first move but once I see a green light I can definitely come on pretty strong. The man I want can handle that and even get the upper hand but the majority of others can't and don't. Most of those change their mind later but my pride won't let me go after them anymore and so the game starts because the attraction is still there. I hate playing games but my damned pride. What can I do? I am just that a wild horse looking for my cowboy.

And Then There Was None

I wrote about my friend who was pregnant.

Today I took her to the hospital. She had a miscarriage. She lost the baby.

I was driving her to the hospital and she lost it right there in my car. She is so strong, screaming in pain and still trying to crack jokes.

She wanted that baby, if no other reason then for her daughter to have a sibling.

She is alone, in her soul.

I am sad.

Sad.

The Mars, the Venus and the Home Ec

Sometimes I think guys are so simple it's hard to understand them. We, women, always expect for everyone around us to make well-thought-through decisions, meaning one would need to analyze all the facts and think about the consequences before leaping forward. We really overestimate the males around us, always wondering to ourselves; why did he do this? what is he thinking? The truth is that he did it because he was thinking with his 'other head' and he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself when he did it. To know more about a man's psyche is to not try to get inside of it. It is what it is, he didn't think his decision through so why should we be trying to dissect his brain, everything is on the surface. Think simple ladies.

Men don't think with their head, on the contrary they think with their anatomy and heart. They make their decisions purely based on emotion for the purpose of gaining immediate results. Women, on the other hand, tend to overthink everything. We want to figure it out and then talk about all the pros and cons. Men don't like talking, they are action-makers.

Men are like babies, they need love and nurture, they are not meant to live alone, while a lot of women are very comfortable being single. Nobody likes it but we just cope with loneliness better, after all we were taught the home-ec skills in middle school. I even noticed that in multi-children families boys get babied more. A boy always has females around him starting with his mother and eventually leading to wife and maybe even daughter(s). Women spoil the other sex with all the warmth and attention and then we wonder why is it that men expect their wifes to cook and clean. Well the reality is that the ones that have those expectations are the ones whose mothers were housewives and babied the hell out of them. While men grow up prepared to stand their corner and hunt for food most of them don't know what to do with what they hunted so tirelessly.

Some roles have changed; men learned how to cook, clean and do laundry and women picked the head of the household title and went to work, but the bottom line is the nature of the sexes will not change. Women will always be the nurturers and keep spoiling their men and men will keep taking it for granted only realizing the concept of household-survival once the woman is no longer there to keep it up.

Me, my blog and you

When I first started blogging it was just a way for me to sort through my thoughts. With time my blog fused all of my randomness into a public display of emotions. I am an open person and my feelings are what makes me ME.

I try to write in a way that makes people think, with a theme, which is often common throughout my posts, after all the biggest word in my tag cloud is Love. I actually think it's a great way to see who you are and what your writing really means. Who would have thought that a web 2.0 technology, widget, or whatever you want to call it can make it so clear what the blogger is so desperately trying to convey to others. Someone asked me recently; "Why do people blog?". I tried to explain the theory about blogging but really broke it down to him about my personal reasons for showcasing my most private self. I do it to understand myself and write in hope that one of my readers is going through something similar but doesn't have enough courage to reach out. Maybe my posts give somebody answers and balance.

According to Google analytics, my blog is read worldwide. What drives people to read my words? It can either be a form of voyeurism or they just see a piece of themselves in my words, which are essentially reflections of me.

Please keep reading and commenting. Your words let my thoughts turn into words which then can live and flourish.

Single Mom

My very close friend is pregnant. She is not married and sadly boyfriendless as well. When she first told me that she was with child we discussed her options and abortion was not one of them.

She had a one night stand with the man who is gonna be the father of her baby. He is not interested in being a part of her nor baby's life. I don't judge because shit happens to everyone, not that I should be calling a child-in-the-making shit. I have made a ton of stupid mistakes myself (probably will make a ton more) and when I see a friend in a sticky situation I try to be exactly what I am supposed to be, a friend, not a probation officer.

When she first found out about her pregnancy, she was scared and vulnerable which is very unlike her, unusually strong and optimistic girl. Well now she is 3.5 months along and is showing. Her belly looks like she swallowed a little pumpkin.

Yesterday she started bleeding and went to the hospital. The doctors said it doesn't seem to be a miscarriage but they are not sure what is going on. I was and still am very worried. What makes me sad is that she is all alone. She is a strong woman and knew what she was getting herself into, having this baby without a father, but it is still very sad. In times like this the man should be there with her in the hospital, holding her hand, showing support.

I want to have more kids and am ok with being a single mom (I already am one), but when I think of going through the process of pregnancy, birth, and raising a small child, I know that I don't want to do it alone. The first year of the baby's life is by far the hardest (my son is 8 and I don't know how hard his teens ahead are gonna be). I guess if I don't meet the man who would be my husband and a good father to any kids we might have together, I won't be having children.

Deep sigh

Mother's Day Poem for Me

Thank you for all the stuff that you did for me.
You are the greatest for everything.
This is a poem for you, I love you,
You love me, you are the greatest in the family.
You love me and give me respect
And I love you for that.
You and I respect to each other.
You are the greatest mom ever.

Your son AJ

Pain is no longer mine

I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.

Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.

It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.

I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.

I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.

Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.

I think I will be alright.

Ignorance

I hate ignorance. Ignorance can be spread like cancer through words, actions, just through people. So many people make judgment without any merit. It pisses me off when people start running their mouth about a country they've never been to, a person they've never met, a job they've never worked. Тhe lack of intelligence seeps out of their pores. Those are the kind of people I just eliminate from my life. There is no room for them in my already crowded existence.

Obsessions

Very often I catch myself finding something to obsess about and obsessing over and over to the point of insanity. I think I do it out of boredom. Life can be so dull.

It can be a project, an idea, a person, an insecurity, just anything and I get so into it that I actually start imagining something that is not real. I think I end up causing myself pain in the long run from that.

I need to have better self-control. I told myself that so many times. It's better to just not give a damn about anything than force yourself to hallucinate.

Первый Русский Пост

Объясняю...

Я проживаю в Штатах с 1992 года. Как я сюда попала и детали последних 16 лет в этом посте обсуждать не буду, но скажу так: было время (93-06) когда я общалась исключительно с англо-говорящими людьми. Русское общение в моей жизни того времени было ограничено необходимостью поддерживания отношений с родителями, да необходимостью, но это другая тема.

Примерно год назад в моей жизни появился человек который открыл мне глаза на мои корни и с тех пор в моей жизни очень многое изменилось. Одновременно мои глаза увидели тупизм и бескультурье страны в которой я живу.

Друзья, мидия и общение в целом в моей сегодняшней жизни на 75% русское. Оставшиеся 25% составляют меньшую но не менее дорогую часть, я окружаю себя лучшим из двух миров.

Я Русская и горжусь этим.

За ранее прошу простить мои граматические ошибки, т.к. русская клавиатура тоже новый консепт в моей русско-американской жизни.

Slipping Away

My Grandma (the dearest person tome) has had a stroke and I feel like she is dying. I haven't seen her since it happened. Doctors say that after a stroke there is a huge chance for another one. I am scared she is slipping away. She raised me, she has to make it.

Moving and Moving On

I am a total mess today. There is so much going on in my life I am having a hard time processing it all. Ok I am gonna roll back and start where my last post left off...

So I got back from my trip and was licking my wounds. They are still healing but I have definitely moved on from the mishap of the New Year, basically shit happens and it was a lesson learned.

The problems that gloomed over me before never disappeared and became even more disturbing, so 2 days ago I found myself in a place I have never been before, I made a solid decision to get a fresh start. I am looking for a new place to move possibly. I don't know how it will all work out but it is sure worth a try. I feel that if I stay in my apartment my life will never change. I need to do something drastic to force myself to accept the direction my life needs to go in...which kind of brings me to the next point...

Yesterday I was talking to a guy-friend of mine on the late night, we were both not-sober so the topics of our conversations held no barriers. He told me about his romantic adventures, which put a little ping in my stomach even though I have no reason to get jealous, non at all except for the fact that he verbally resembles the kind of man I want to be with, but oh well, never was mine so no reason to be upset. Actually I respect him being real and telling me the truth, so many men do just the opposite...shit women do that too..ah we are all guilty of being liars for selfish reasons. Anyways after he confessed his part he asked me; "wassup with your personal life?" and my answer was "I don't have any". Sad as it may sound it is indeed true, and that is the reason I need to embark on a new journey. Need to be independent and embrace the freedom of my upcoming 30s.

To all my readers I apologize for not writing too often but I will try to improve that. Thanks for your support and keep me in your prayers.

Heartbeats

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.

Lessons

I haven't posted in over a month. A lot has happened and it will take time to digest it all and move on.

For the last six months I had a new hope, something to keep me going, something to look forward to. I had so much invested into my trip, mostly emotionally and even though it was the right trip to take at the right time in my life, it turned out to be a "lesson learned".

Lessons

1. If something(one) seems to good to be true, it is. I should have known this but yet mistake made again.



2. Don't plan love, if love is in your path it will happen when you least expect it. Once you start planning it, it is already over before it begun, it wasn't meant to be.



3. If the one you are attracted to says things to you that you are not ready to hear yet, it's a red flag. It might feel good but real emotions surface at the right time and you will know when that time is. You will know when the other person is sincere even if you don't feel the same because empty words are just that, empty. Some people get too infatuated too fast and it always ends abruptly and painfully.



4. If something doesn't feel right, let it be a warning of more drama to come. If the one you like is difficult before you even had the chance to go through the "honeymoon" phase, there will most certainly be more of that the further you get into the relationship.



5. This may sound really pessimistic but don't believe everything you are told, even if you really really really wanted to hear it. There should be something solid, a foundation that all promises are based on. I think I believe in love from the first sight but the lesson that I learned is that any non-casual intimate relationship that is worth pursuing should spin off a friendship.



6. Let the other person get to know you and like you as a person before any signs of intimacy are exchanged.



7. This might be a big blow to the online dating industry but relationships that start via monitor and an IM window don't work. I won't elaborate any further and some of you will perhaps argue with me but this is how I feel. I will not start any relationship (friendship or otherwise) online ever again.

I am a lost soul searching for my anchor. Every time I think I found something I can hang on to, something that feels real, I realize that it is only an illusion. I am not heart broken but I am hurt. Let all these lessons make me stronger, even though with all the strength I gain from painful experiences my heart turns more and more into ice.

Yet I still believe,

I still believe.

Where is all this coming from you may ask. I am not ready to discuss the painful details just yet but perhaps I will use bits and pieces of my pain as future topics that will make everyone think. I don't know to how many of you my words relate on a personal level but if there is at least one person who feels what I try so hard to bring out from my heart and onto the screen, I thank you.