And Then There Was None

I wrote about my friend who was pregnant.

Today I took her to the hospital. She had a miscarriage. She lost the baby.

I was driving her to the hospital and she lost it right there in my car. She is so strong, screaming in pain and still trying to crack jokes.

She wanted that baby, if no other reason then for her daughter to have a sibling.

She is alone, in her soul.

I am sad.

Sad.

The Mars, the Venus and the Home Ec

Sometimes I think guys are so simple it's hard to understand them. We, women, always expect for everyone around us to make well-thought-through decisions, meaning one would need to analyze all the facts and think about the consequences before leaping forward. We really overestimate the males around us, always wondering to ourselves; why did he do this? what is he thinking? The truth is that he did it because he was thinking with his 'other head' and he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself when he did it. To know more about a man's psyche is to not try to get inside of it. It is what it is, he didn't think his decision through so why should we be trying to dissect his brain, everything is on the surface. Think simple ladies.

Men don't think with their head, on the contrary they think with their anatomy and heart. They make their decisions purely based on emotion for the purpose of gaining immediate results. Women, on the other hand, tend to overthink everything. We want to figure it out and then talk about all the pros and cons. Men don't like talking, they are action-makers.

Men are like babies, they need love and nurture, they are not meant to live alone, while a lot of women are very comfortable being single. Nobody likes it but we just cope with loneliness better, after all we were taught the home-ec skills in middle school. I even noticed that in multi-children families boys get babied more. A boy always has females around him starting with his mother and eventually leading to wife and maybe even daughter(s). Women spoil the other sex with all the warmth and attention and then we wonder why is it that men expect their wifes to cook and clean. Well the reality is that the ones that have those expectations are the ones whose mothers were housewives and babied the hell out of them. While men grow up prepared to stand their corner and hunt for food most of them don't know what to do with what they hunted so tirelessly.

Some roles have changed; men learned how to cook, clean and do laundry and women picked the head of the household title and went to work, but the bottom line is the nature of the sexes will not change. Women will always be the nurturers and keep spoiling their men and men will keep taking it for granted only realizing the concept of household-survival once the woman is no longer there to keep it up.

Me, my blog and you

When I first started blogging it was just a way for me to sort through my thoughts. With time my blog fused all of my randomness into a public display of emotions. I am an open person and my feelings are what makes me ME.

I try to write in a way that makes people think, with a theme, which is often common throughout my posts, after all the biggest word in my tag cloud is Love. I actually think it's a great way to see who you are and what your writing really means. Who would have thought that a web 2.0 technology, widget, or whatever you want to call it can make it so clear what the blogger is so desperately trying to convey to others. Someone asked me recently; "Why do people blog?". I tried to explain the theory about blogging but really broke it down to him about my personal reasons for showcasing my most private self. I do it to understand myself and write in hope that one of my readers is going through something similar but doesn't have enough courage to reach out. Maybe my posts give somebody answers and balance.

According to Google analytics, my blog is read worldwide. What drives people to read my words? It can either be a form of voyeurism or they just see a piece of themselves in my words, which are essentially reflections of me.

Please keep reading and commenting. Your words let my thoughts turn into words which then can live and flourish.

Single Mom

My very close friend is pregnant. She is not married and sadly boyfriendless as well. When she first told me that she was with child we discussed her options and abortion was not one of them.

She had a one night stand with the man who is gonna be the father of her baby. He is not interested in being a part of her nor baby's life. I don't judge because shit happens to everyone, not that I should be calling a child-in-the-making shit. I have made a ton of stupid mistakes myself (probably will make a ton more) and when I see a friend in a sticky situation I try to be exactly what I am supposed to be, a friend, not a probation officer.

When she first found out about her pregnancy, she was scared and vulnerable which is very unlike her, unusually strong and optimistic girl. Well now she is 3.5 months along and is showing. Her belly looks like she swallowed a little pumpkin.

Yesterday she started bleeding and went to the hospital. The doctors said it doesn't seem to be a miscarriage but they are not sure what is going on. I was and still am very worried. What makes me sad is that she is all alone. She is a strong woman and knew what she was getting herself into, having this baby without a father, but it is still very sad. In times like this the man should be there with her in the hospital, holding her hand, showing support.

I want to have more kids and am ok with being a single mom (I already am one), but when I think of going through the process of pregnancy, birth, and raising a small child, I know that I don't want to do it alone. The first year of the baby's life is by far the hardest (my son is 8 and I don't know how hard his teens ahead are gonna be). I guess if I don't meet the man who would be my husband and a good father to any kids we might have together, I won't be having children.

Deep sigh

Mother's Day Poem for Me

Thank you for all the stuff that you did for me.
You are the greatest for everything.
This is a poem for you, I love you,
You love me, you are the greatest in the family.
You love me and give me respect
And I love you for that.
You and I respect to each other.
You are the greatest mom ever.

Your son AJ

Pain is no longer mine

I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.

Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.

It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.

I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.

I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.

Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.

I think I will be alright.