Stability

Everything is so temporary, even life itself will end when the time comes. We are all seeking stability, something to hold on to, something that is guaranteed to be around for years to come. A good job, a house; all of that is great but very materialistic and while it can provide financial security and comfort neither one will offer a shoulder to cry on. We are all looking for stability in relationships.

Friends

Friends are great, the ones who make us laugh, never judge and are selfless but to keep it real, good friends are hard to come by. Some are lucky to have had long term friendships; since childhood, high school, college. There is stability there but for me lots of friends have come and gone. With some I parted ways due to circumstances other friendships just reached their expiration date.

Marriage

"Till death do us part", well that seems long-term and screams stability but the reality is that most marriages end in divorce. Marriage is a contract based relationship and breaking that contract can be costly which forces some to stay together even when the love is gone.

Children

Some women are so desperate to have kids. The biological clock starts ticking loudly after 30 and they are ready to go the extreme. No man? Oh well, there is always the turkey baster. Is it the need to nurture? Maybe but mostly I think it's the need for stability. Having a child guarantees companionship for at least 18 years but most likely for the rest of your life.

Nothing is for certain and we must hold on to all the great relationships we have. These are the relationships that are selfless, the ones that make us grow and mature mutually. They will too come to an end but as long as we have that chance to live and love, we have to embrace it.

Crash

Is it better to crash and burn or never to crash at all? One would think it's a stupid question. Seriously, why would somebody wanna crash? But what if right before the crash, you were given what you were longing for? Would you still not go for it? I am not speaking in terms of life and death but more on the lines of analyzing the phrase so familiar to all of us. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Do you think any different about my original question now? Would you crash for love?

This question has been on my mind for a while, and God knows I banged my wrist simulating a "crash" enough times to hurt myself. What do I think you may wonder. Well dear reader, knowing my nature, even though I can name a million reasons for being safe and sane, I am neither, and I know that even if I convince myself to not get in that horrible accident also known as a "broken heart", I will do it anyways just because love and anything that has to do with it is my drug of choice. I will fall and fall till I hit that ground. I will lay there hurting, with tears streaming down my face, burning me on the surface, burning from within. I will lay till I can peel myself up and then I will get up and walk again knowing that it is my destiny, and my destiny is to write beautiful words about my pain, to blog my heartache. I will walk having experienced what others only wish of. I will walk.

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 11.29.07

Riz Sanchez guitarchic Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? (Pfft I'm not just singing okay.) If love kills, then mine is one sweet death.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru - Вернулся я как-то из командировки… - И что, ты его в шкафу нашел? - Нет, я его за гаражом закопал. ...

xaris hope thexaris i have an imaginary boyfriend but you can't meet him because my brain is not yours.

BBSoD BBSoD Сделайте 40 часов в сутках или научите меня не спать! Дела, дела, дела… Мать их! :-( ...

Todd Kelley toddkelley sh!tface drunk. eating everything in the frig before i pass out unconscious. gonna be fun to read this in the morning when i don't remember.

а меня Маша зовут... myVision -girl you slept with Santa? - well technically yes -ho-ho-ho!!!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Любопытно, но пока в бане не появилась табличка “Жопу занавесками не вытирать”, об этом никто даже и не думал… ...

Dhani Schimizzi SpaghettiKing THINKING THAT: if I'm afraid of dying (then I'm afraid of living).

experiment626 experiment626 Leftover season - day 1.

а меня Маша зовут... myVision Машенька, заинька, будь умницей, хотя дурой быть на много проще

Dimitry dimitry "Greetings from Amazon.com. We regret to inform you that an error caused the following item(s) to be displayed at an incorrect price:" ...

KL0I KL0I Guy's are just... I don't really have a proper word right now... Good night.

Ann nearbird все же нельзя жить одними планами на будущее. _сейчас_ тоже должно быть хорошо. а не лет через 5. ...

Apple Aksinya aksinya 2 часа сна - это много или мало?! жизнь - сплошные выборы. крестик.. галочка.. брррр. доброе утро! ...

BBSoD BBSoD «Я тут мозгом подумал…» — очень чудесная фраза!

slaff slaff Почему некоторым персонажам пофиг, что они приходят в офис и воняют? Вода вроде есть.. мыло тоже не дорого стоит ...

Akela Talamasca akelatal Okay, everyone: if you celebrate Thanksgiving Day, then please enjoy yourselves. If you don't, then please enjoy yourselves. Whatever.

Todd Kelley toddkelley Godl i haven't been this drunk since college. had to leave the pub cause the bartender said she was gonna take me home. damn she's hot...

Apple Aksinya aksinya ужасно не хочется думать. но в ближайшие дни это главное занятие.

BBSoD BBSoD Голодный, небритый, сонный, да и вообще никакой поехал я в институт. Что меня там ждёт?

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 11.21.07

Apple Aksinya aksinya угу. я тоже лав. май долбанный лайф.

slaff slaff Ура! Дома снова интернет! ЩАСТЬЕ, мать вашу!

Akela Talamasca akelatal @myvision: My treat, my tweet!

Apple Aksinya aksinya купила карту в зал на полгода. посмотрим.. что можно сделать в этом маленьком зале с моей большой... ну, в общем :) ...

hochu_na_ruchki hochu_na_ruchki Собираюсь ехать за чмоками)) к милому))

Felicity OhFelicity by the way Twitter never lies.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM На работе всё как обычно. Даже не знаю хорошо это или плохо.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Встретив человека, улыбнись ему - быть может ты видишь его в последний раз.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Кто говорит, что любовь полностью убивает разум, тот никогда не встречался с ревностью. ...

Tony Chester tonychester @myVision Yes maam! Thank you maam. Can I have another?

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - (shocked) How the hell did you know!!! Oops... I mean... What is that strange thing you're talking about?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @toddkelley uh-huh! puff puff pass :)!

Todd Kelley toddkelley trying to give a f*** about getting any work done. Time for another morning break...

Gody Gody Always organize your thoughts before sending emails. Do not send emotional emails immediately. Type, save then read it later before sending.

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - Don't let it get to you. Handle that sh**

Shafiq Jetha sjetha I can get very involved, and emotional and violent given the right circumstances.

Todd Kelley toddkelley Man, support like a muthaf%@%$. I love my twitter fam...

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @toddkelley fa sho, people like us need to stick together, making a dollar out of 15 cents has always been a challenge but doing it so far

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @BBSoD да мы все такими деталями делимся, поэтому тви и прекрасен, вот я на себя взяла публикацию топ 20 (от смеха до романтики) ...

BBSoD BBSoD Кажется, я влюбился. А ещё бросил материться, пить алкоголь и курить. Только какого лешего я это сюда пишу?!

Comedies, Tragedies, Great Love

I always knew that my life will somehow resemble a great movie, the kind of movie that has the audience applauding and weeping at the end, either from happiness or sorrow. I just know that I am destined for something great. It would be nice if my movie is a romantic comedy and there is a happily ever after in my future but something tells me I am more of a "Thelma and Luise" kinda girl. Basically regardless of the genre my story will be remembered.

I want to live my life and experience things that take my breath away. I want a great love, the kind that Carrie was speaking about in the last episode of Sex and the City.

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

I want that kind of love, the one that shortens distances and makes you do stupid things. The love that makes you float above the ground. I want to be in the arms of a man and not realize that there is other life going on outside of our embrace. I want to kiss in public and not care if anyone is watching. I want to fall in love and never fall out of it.

The problem is that all of the listed above can only happen if I take a chance, the chance that I haven't been fully given yet. If it's meant to be, it will be effortless, like finding the puzzle piece I have been missing. I won't have to wonder if I found the one I was looking for, I will know when it fits!

The Guy in White Pants

Here is the story that starts way back...way way back...

1989-1990

When I was growing up I spent every summer in a rented house in the country. River, board games, card readings and boys...well what do you expect when there are 3 teenage girls hanging out together. Yes there were three of us and I was the youngest, by 3 years which was huge age difference when one is 11 and the rest are 14.

Neither one of us actually had a boyfriend but we sure did talk a whole lot about the opposite sex, hormones raging and all. Yes, we were just three girls dreaming of one day we would fall in love. All the days were pretty much the same until one day when I walked out to the street in the morning and saw a cute, tanned guy in white pants heading towards me. That's the vision I still have in my mind, 17 years later and I still remember it as if it happened just a little while ago.

The guy in white pants was a friend of one of my girlfriends. He came up to me and asked me where he can find her, so together we walked to her house. I will never forget the look on her face, she was pale as a ghost. It turned out that this boy was in love with her and actually came all the way to our summer haven to see her. If that isn't the most romantic thing I have ever seen a 14 year old boy do for a girl, I don't know what is.

We all immediately fell for the guy in white pants. He was handsome, funny, and well he was the only handsome, funny guy who wanted to hang out with us, three dorky little girls. He always treated me with a certain tenderness, probably because I was so much younger, I was only 11 or 12. I was infatuated with all the attention but of course I knew better, he was completely in love with my friend. That still didn't stop my heart from breaking when I saw them kissing at a bus stop.

I don't remember now but I think we were friends for a couple of summers and then life took us all in different directions. We all lost touch.

So the story brings us to now...

2007

Of all the joys of the internet, reuniting with old friends is by far the most incredible. It is nostalgic and emotional. It brings back memories and hopes for the future.

I was looking for my girlfriends from all those years ago and was having a hard time locating one of them. Without any hesitation I looked up the guy in white pants, uh-huh I remembered his full name but for the sake of anonymity I will not reveal it in this post. I sent him an email that basically asked if he remembered me? To my huge surprise not only did he remember me, but he had a picture of the two of us from 1990. The cliche is "a picture says a thousand words" and it did! I couldn't believe that I made such an impression on this boy 17 years ago that he would actually keep my photo for all this time. I was incredibly flattered.

He told me that the girl he was so in love with back then is now married and lives in Paris. That didn't surprise me, I knew she was France-bound all along.

So our paths crossed yet again. Is this story to be continued? Only time will tell.

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 11.19.07

Taken from my favorites list on Twitter. You might be quoted there!


Anna Volkova Neta_insane #status Очередной пинок под задницу. Эй, Вселенная, давай договариваться.

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @slaff не доверяем маркетологам, сволочи подарки дарят а потом говорят что мы взятки берём! (re: new girl in marketing) ...

slaff slaff @myVision не удивлен :). у такой мамы и при таком дедушке ;)

hochu_na_ruchki hochu_na_ruchki Все по домикам бегут, Чай с плюшками пьют, Машенька работает, Все сделать срочно надо.. ...

Apple Aksinya aksinya иногда второй смысл своих фраз понимаешь сильно позже того, как сказал их)

Anna Volkova Neta_insane Мозг и тело - два отдельных существа, функционирующих в связке.

Felicity OhFelicity I hate it when I send a person the wrong text!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Поэтому всех людей, разумеется, надо убить.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Жизнь была бы лучше, если их всех убить.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пойти покурить? Пойти покурить!

Felicity OhFelicity I'm on my way home, but I'd rather stay here!

ed adkins edadkins I thinlk I figured out why I love saturdays so much- I hate sobriety

MaRishA Lucertola I noticed one thing - now i write to twitter only when i'm drunk. And as one of my bosses says 'eto ne good '. Such a sad thing ;-(

Number One numberone твиттер-твиттер, ты живой?

Apple Aksinya aksinya и откуда только все эти бабочки внутри меня...

Girlsnap babygirlxo omigosh i missed my twitter

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru меня насторожило появление дорожного знака "одностороннее движение" при въезде на кладбище. ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru -Расскажи что-ниубдь веселое. -Из своей жизни? -Нет, веселое.

Fractalknife fractalknife #life стоило переехать в офисе в другую комнату, как обрадовали скорой перспективой обратного переселения ...

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Добрутро... Как меня заебали звонки с вопросом — «Это аптека?».

Flying Above the Ground

As some of you may have noticed most of my latest posts have been border-line depressing and while I am not stupid and very cautious of my heart I still managed to get myself into the candy rain yet again. OMG it feels so good when all the fears dissolve and a strong, deep voice of a sexy man gently tells you to set the worries aside.

Romance and possibility of love are intoxicating.

Everything feels unreal.

Let's see how it all works out.

20 Latest Twitter Favorites - 11.14.07

Taken from my favorites list on Twitter. About 50/50 English/Russian. These are hot!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Лучшая шуба - это стакан водки.

FanXFire FanXFire Кто-то работает, кто-то просыпается, кто-то отдыхает, кто-то ложится.. А я, тем временем, влюбился =) ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Не нужно бороться с темнотой, нужно зажечь свет

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM День только начался, а меня уже успели заебать.

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - excellent post. You nailed it perfectly

Girlsnap babygirlxo I dream of twitter.

Артём Soulmate soulmate Вьетнамцы ходят во вьетнамках.

Alice Bradley finslippy If you want to feel good about yourself, go to the liquor store at noon on a weekday.

Aimster drivingmecrazy i am going to hell. Anyone wanna bring marshmallows?

Gody Gody Just read an article that before the news sites could post anything about the earthquake the news was all over Twitter. That is AWESOME! :)

i heart quotes iheartquotes You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down. -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пока меня не было на работе какая-то сука отформатировала компьютер. Это пиздец. Найду — убью. ...

Todd Kelley toddkelley Why does being Black mean you're one step under in 'class' but one step over in 'cool'?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision I am the cause of my own unhappiness - blaming it on others is irresponsible

i heart quotes iheartquotes I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Shafiq Jetha sjetha The more black and white you make the world, the more the grey stands out.

Nearbird nearbird You could be my unintended Choice to live my life extended You could be the one I'll always love You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions You could be the one I'll always love

Todd Kelley toddkelley resurfacing... sticking my head out... making sure the danger is gone...

Vika merely "Но я до сих пор не умею прощаться, С теми, кого я любил"

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пришел спам с темой «Уничтожим всех, кто вам мешает!».

Breaking a Wall or Bloddy Knuckles?

Why is it that once you stop caring about something or someone, an event occurs to bring it all back? You just managed to let go of your hurt feelings and BOOM you are forced to relive the pain all over again. It might have taken you a long time to move on or maybe you just made the decision and finally stuck to it, and now everything you were so sure of is uncertain and right in front of you to be dealt with again.

It's a cruel twist of faith. You are given a challenge, it feels like the little devil on your shoulder is asking "are you really sure you don't want to give it another shot?" and the angel on the other side is rebutting "you did it once, if it didn't work the first time it won't this time, why get yourself hurt again".

You are forced into the position where you have to decide between wrong and right, but who knows which one is which. Is the angel really the good guy or is he the one who is just holding you back from taking a chance that can change your life for the better? Is taking a chance really that bad? And what about the devil, he is so determined to push you into something that you know feels so good but can end so bad?

So what do you do? You can hit the brick wall enough times in hope that it falls down eventually or you can just make your knuckles bleed.

Cold Shot of Reality

Today feels like another bad day but I actually think that it's opposite of that. Sometimes what defines a good day is not a happy event but the one that makes you look at life from a different perspective. Life is not what it is right now but what it's gonna be from this point on.

Over the last few months I have been living in some sort of daze. I am partially responsible for putting myself in that state of mind, ok maybe I even carry more than 50% of responsibility. It was good like a pink mist, but fake. It was a mirage, an illusion and I knew it all along. I chose to ignore common sense and forced myself to see something that wasn't there. I did it out of need for something new and hopeful. The post I wrote last Friday was about hope, well now I am realizing that there was none. I made it all up because it felt good.

This week was hard because the pink mist was slowly drying out and I started seeing the harsh greyness of the reality which came to it's peak today when I got an email which to me was a cold shot of reality. It was a copy/paste from some article online that someone thought I would get a kick out of. It had a much different effect on me. It hurt at first but then it was kind of refreshing. I felt liberated in ways. I am not gonna reveal the words that are so clear in my head, their meaning actually, but I will say that now I feel grounded and I can move forward without holding my breath.

So there was no hope, so what...I am stronger than that, and so I go on "stand-by" mode of my life again.

The pink mist is gone. I didn't ask for it in the first place.

Attack of the Christmas Tree

I am not sure what happenned overnight in the city (San Francisco) but apparently Santa has come by. There are Christmas trees, bows, gift-wrapping paper everywhere. Even in Starbucks I got my cinnamon dolce latte in a holiday cup, I almost dropped my coffee. I seriously started having an anxiety attack; my breathing got heavy and vision blurry. It is only November 8th, we are still 3 weeks away from Thanksgiving and all this madness is already upon us. Christmas is a great holiday for the kids but for adults, especially those like yours truly whose family is not the desirable bunch to cuddle with and roast marshmallows, it becomes a huge and a very expensive pain in the ass.

It all started dawning on me; the work schedule is insane till end of year, need to get ready for my trip...OMG...my trip is now becoming a stress factor. I don't have everything that I need, no gifts for my friends and I am still not 100% sure where I will be staying at. Oh yeah, and my money is kinda funny.

I will make it, I always do but why is this holiday metamorphosed from a joyous day to a over commercialized, incredibly stressful time of the year. I don't like and don't want Christmas. I am scared of it.

Discussing on Twitter

I am a big twitterhead . I communicate through Twitter for many reasons; to meet new people, network, learn what's happening in the world and the wide web, even voyeur. Twitter is my sin, it gives me something I don't get elsewhere. I see how the topics of twits change daily. Since I follow both Russian and American, even a few European twitterers I get to see the views from different ends of the world. People discuss a large variety of topics, anything from the obvious hot gadget like iPhone to peejays and get this, sexy stockings with strings. Yes! That topic dominated the twitter board on my screen all day yesterday. People flirted and got silly from across the world.

On the other side of the spectrum I noticed a not so happy subject that took dominance across the board on Twitter lately. Loneliness
"от одиночества умирают?" (translated: Can you die from loneliness?). Someone asked that today and it made me think...I don't know? Can you? There are men and women out there who are alone right now, some of them are all by themselves and others have someone who should be close to them but really they are the furthest away. There are those who are looking for love, and those who are just thinking about it, putting their thoughts down in a blog post. We are just lonely soles lost in the virtual world, and we find some comfort in it. I know I do.

New Page in My Book

I am full of mixed emotions. It's very new for me to go through so many ups and downs back to back.

It all started in June. Someone came into my life, a ghost from the past with a hope for the future. So many new feelings stirred up inside of me, good and bad all mixed in one funnel cloud. At times I am filled with excitement and hope and with all that ecstasy comes fear. Mostly it's the fear of the unknown, fear of letting go of something stable even though it's the cause of my unhappiness. I haven't had hope for a very long time. Before June my life was very monotone, hate to admit it but I found certain comfort in that. When someone asked me what my plans were, I always had a solid answer, my life was very predictable. Nothing has physically changed yet but emotionally I am on a whole different level.

I am taking it a day at a time, doing my best to keep the negative feelings away, feelings such as boredom and hopelessness with occasional pings of jealousy. I want to be happy and I feel like I have a chance, it's a very slim chance but that's all I got and it is a whole lot more than what I had in my old predictable life. I am on a new page and I am gonna make the best of it if it kills me.