The Story of the Quake

I live in the San Francisco / Bay Area which is a quake country. I moved here in 1999 and experienced many earthquakes, averaging about 4 every year. There is always a story to tell and it is never dramatic for me, just a great water-cooler talk the day after.

Here is my pre-Halloween quake story.

My son and I were on the way back home from the gym. The gym is in Pacifica and we live in South City which is a good 10 minute drive. We were detouring through San Bruno (neighboring city) in order to go to Subway for some quick dinner. Love those tuna sandwiches!!!! Anyway, we were waiting for the light to turn green so we can pull into the parking lot, tummys growling. A good work out will do that to you! :) I felt the car shaking and my first thought was on my trouble-making youngster.

me: "AJ stop shaking the car!" (thinking he is kicking my leather seats like always)
AJ: "I am not shaking the car!"
me: "Is it the wind?"
me: "It doesn't look like it's windy"

hmmm ok whatever

10 minutes later in Subway my phone rings

me: "Hello"
J: "Did you feel it?"
At that moment it clicked in my head and...
me: "AH! That was an earthquake!!!!"
everyone in Subway: "There was an earthquake???"
AJ: "Mom, I told you I wasn't shaking the car!"

Everyone started laughing.

So this is another funny quake story. No one got hurt, no damage (not in my area at least). I am not afraid of earthquakes, you have to get used to them living in the Bay Area, but I am a bit weary about being stuck in an elevator or in a tunnel while on BART. My biggest fear is not knowing if my son is ok, not being able to reach him.

Yesterday's earthquake was not minor but not huge either (5.6), nothing like Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989 when the Bay Bridge collapsed and 62 people died. The next "big one" is expected on the Hayward fault. It hits on average once every 140 years, and well it's been 139 since it hit there last. I just hope that me and my loved ones will be ok, that's all I can do.

Keep it Growing

There is so much negativity in this world and I feel that every chance we get to make something positive we need to use it. This can be a large scale analogy; helping the poor, world peace, volunteering etc. I am all for the above listed but what I am specifically referring to the relationships between men and women.

There are so many conflicts that can be avoided by simply not playing games, being patient and understanding. When two people first meet they don't really know what sets the other one off so the game-players use that to their advantage. They test and push till the other person has had enough and at that point it can either backfire or give them the power in the relationship. If the power is allocated, the way for this relationship has basically been set.

Why are we dooming our chance for happiness before we even got to experience it?

Relationships are most fragile when they are first born. That seed needs to be nourished and be taken care of, with all of the gentleness and love for it to grow. Some feel that every action has a reaction, and rather than becoming selfless for the purpose of something long-lasting, they take every chance they get to set their ground.

Let's remember that only real love can make a relationship last, and real love is pure and kind. Love doesn't play games but instead it is sincere and honest emotion that is a gift not to be taken for granted.

Live, laugh, love

why not...

you deserve to be happy

Connecting...

In today's world of email, im, skype, mobile phones and the all-merging twitter, communication becomes a defining factor in relationships. Being in a long-distance love affair doesn't seem so crucial anymore, all you have to do is log on and BOOM your sweetheart from the other side of the planet is in your living room. It's that easy! The problem is that we become dependent on that line of communication to fuel our relationships.

It's great to get home in the evening from a long day at the office, log on to your skype account, and chat with a friend for whom the day is just starting. Even better to share pictures, MP3s, video etc instantly. People are becoming connected not just electronically but emotionally. I think it's a false perception of closeness.

Our relationships become defined by IM statuses.

• online - I love you! I miss you! I want to talk to you!


• away - I don't want to be bothered! I am mad at you! I am testing you


• busy - I really am busy, if you take it personally that's your bad


• offline - I really don't give a damn! I don't want to talk to anyone!

We are happy when we see the stupid green icon and we get annoyed when it turns red. We make life-altering decisions based on an illusion. We are human. We need to touch, smell, talk while looking in your partner's eyes. It's nice when you write a post about your bad day and someone leaves a sympathetic comment, but it's nothing comparing to a simple hug.

Tears

I always feel helpless when I see someone crying, especially a stranger. They are everywhere; walking down the street, standing on the corner, riding on the train. They are always women, never really seen a man cry in public, don't really want to. Sometimes there is someone there consoling her but most of the time she is alone, so lost in her own grief, so blinded by the tears.

I see the pain all over her face, her eyes speak volumes. She lost someone, was betrayed, disrespected, offended. She lives in this moment but she can't separate herself from the anguish of what's gotten her here, what triggered the tears rolling down her cheeks. The painful fire is in her eyes but it comes from deep within, all the way from her core, her soul. Her emotions are overpowering and she could care less if anyone is watching. She wants to drown in the pain and not exist right now. How could this happen to her? Why is the world so cruel?

I always wonder what it is that she is going through. I can't help her. I won't smile and try to look sympathetic. I will briefly glance out of the corner of my eye and look away, giving her privacy but my thoughts are on her, with her. I am mentally embracing her pain and selfishly thanking God that right now I am not her. One day it will be me and if you see me hurt and crying please don't stare, let me deal with my pain as it rolls over me, just let me be.

Conflicts and Resolutions

I am a strong believer in conflict resolution, meaning there is no need to bitch, whine and complain, if there is a problem I will fix it and move on. Life is basically too short for negativity brought on by others.

There has been numerous conflicts where I played a starring role, nothing drastically major but just pretty much anything ranging from a silly fight with a friend to a brutal road rage. Every one of those conflicts I handled as best as I could. Sure, I pushed a chickenhead into a pool because she was trying to steal my boyfriend, and threw a cup of soda at an asshole who flipped me off and called me the "B" word, but not once did I call the police or snitched anyone out. Basically I don't start a fight unless I can finish it without involvement of authority.

I am a peaceful person and really like when everyone gets along but if a conflict arises regardless of fault don't go running to mommy telling on me, come to me like an adult and tell it to my face. If you can't do that, you are coward. Don't be a fucking coward.

Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to but I am angry. Right now I am at war and even though it feels so much better to rebuttal and sink down to my opponent's level, I am not going to do that because I have principles, yes I have integrity. I will be the bigger person and handle the situation like a real woman. I will try. Tomorrow. But for now I just feel like saying "biatch, you don't know who you are fucking with!"

Dark Side

Today is one of those days when the dark side of my being is taking over. I am feeling down, even sad. There is no specific reason for that or maybe there are too many. It feels like recently my life has been following a rocky path: home, work, love, friends etc. Sure I have a ton of great adventures ahead to look forward to, but today they all seem too far away, too unreachable. My dreams appear to be foolish, goals unreasonable, future uncertain.

My greatest fear is loneliness and today I feel alone. The sensible part of my mind knows that it's not true, but the emotional, overwhelmingly predominant part of me is taking over.

I am strong and this is just a bad day. It will end and there will be another better one tomorrow. It's a cycle of life. I am on the dark stripe today and with all my strength reaching for the lighter one.

Thank You

From experience brought by the difficulty I have relating to most people I conclude that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am loud, demanding of attention, love to talk shit about people (strangers and otherwise) etc...but I am a good person. I am caring, kind and really the best friend one can have if they let me be that. I also can be the worst enemy, and in some cases my relationships with others went from best to worst.

Most people don't want to see past my rough exterior therefore they don't get the benefit of knowing the real me. I intimidate people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just me and quite frankly those who can't accept me for who I really am, can go where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I have are real. There are a few people in my life who I refer to as "girlfriends" or "homies" but not all of them are my real friends. I do have a million acquaintances and sometimes random people even recognize me on the street, but I can honestly say that I can count all my real true friends using my fingers.

I love you Mary, Erin, Raya, Erica

These gals seen me at my worst time and not once did they judge me for it. Whenever I was at my lowest low they were there for me, just being there and them supporting me was all that I needed, all that mattered.

Thank you AJ

My wonderful little boy. It's because of him I turned my life around. Becoming a mother was the greatest experience and I thank my son for it. He is my best friend. On the bad days he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and on he good ones I share all my joys with him. He is only 7 years old, yet we talk about life, love, friendships and everything in between. He is my love, my sunshine, my everything.

Thank you Jerome

When my friend was gunned down and murdered this man held me while I wept. He let me cry in his arms till there were no tears left and for that I am forever thankful.

Thank you Igor

Thank you just for being you. Laughing with you is really what makes me stay sane at work most days.

Thank you Сева

When I felt that I was loosing the understanding of who I am and where I come from, this man sent me a picture of me and him sitting next to each other 17 years ago. He remembered me and I started to remember who I really am.

Thank you Ира, Эля

When I wanted to forget, they didn't. They came back into my life remembering all the childhood memories we shared.

Thank you cousin Natasha

When I felt confused trying to justify my own wrongful actions, she made me see that there is actually nothing wrong with what I am doing, that I am just following my heart and searching for happiness.

Thank you Mom and Dad

When I was in trouble, they always got me out of it. They supported and loved me as much as they physically could.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa

Last but not least my grandma and grandpa deserve the biggest "thank you" in the world. They raised me, fed me, cleaned me, and loved me absolutely unconditionally. My grandpa passed away and I will never be able to let go of that pain. My grandma still stands as strong as her age allows her. God bless.

It is the greatest joy to have people who truly care and love you. Don't take them for granted. Love them, listen to them, be the one they can lean on. Life is hard and we need to be strong, strength comes from being together.

My Way Back Home - part 1

San Francisco is undoubtedly my home but let's look back...way back to 1978 - 1992

I was born in Moscow (Москва) on September 24th 1978. I lived the first 13 years of my life in the city that's one of the greatest and most beautiful, the city that is the capital (столица) of the ever majestic Russian Federation (Российская Федерация).

The summer when my childhood ended and teen era started was the same summer I moved to United States. The only life that I knew was immediately a part of my past and another path was ahead, waiting for me to embark upon.

This photo is the last image of my childhood, a moment truly frozen in time

I went back to Moscow in 1998 (6 years post my move) and it was amazing, very different experience from my life in California but a pleasantly unforgettable one.

9 more years went by and I had a son, got a college degree and started a successful career.

It's time to go back home and see it with the eyes of a woman whose heart will always be in that city, a mother who wants her son to love it just as much as her, a friend who misses those who never forgot her and are anxiously waiting to reunite.

I am going back.
We are going for a vacation this winter, me and my son.

to be continued...

Don't hate the Player, hate the Game

How it starts
Two people get in contact and find themselves interested in one another. In today's world this happens in a number of ways (below are the most common ones):

• random meeting in person
• coworkers taking it outside the office
• friends who take it one step further
• finding an old classmate / friend / love interest online (i.e. myspace)

Personal information gets exchanged and so the game begins.

"to contact or not to contact"
Once one person has the other persons info (mobile, email etc) the first most obvious game is "to contact or not to contact". Since we are talking about two people who are attracted to one another, chances are the contact will happen to get the feel of a possible affair, relationship etc. There have been really strange cases when this didn't happen but that's another post ;)

"the business card"
One contacts the other and most commonly the first conversation is lengthy flirtatious, and amusing. They talk, laugh and build up an image of themselves for the other person. This is not the realistic persona, it's the made-up one that exaggerates the good qualities and hides the bad. We'll call this game "the business card". Topics that are discussed vary in theme (outlooks on life, career, family etc). Most of the things that are said are either bullshit or they are said cautiously with the hope of the other party understanding and relating. I think that this is a critical part of the new relationship because this is where the boundaries are drawn or erased and walls are built or broken.

"true or false"
They've been talking for a week or two and the relationship is moving along. They email, talk on the phone, and if the relationship is not long-distance go on dates. Instead of them getting to know each other, they are really playing the game of "true or false" and here is where each one analyzes the "business card" persona and decides just how much of it is fake. This can last weeks or even a couple of months (depending on frequency). After finding out the negatives hidden behind the "business card" they each make a decision if the other person is worth their time and if they choose to continue the relationship they have to accept the other's flaws. That can be difficult.

"1 out of 2"
A couple of months have gone by and they are seeing the actual person underneath the "business card" and the attraction. This is a critical part to a relationship because it can get boring and grow cold. A number of games are played during this time but we will unite them under one title "1 out of 2". They are not single anymore, each is a half and if the relationship is working they come together and become stronger, happier, productive. If you are blessed with that kind of a relationship it could very well lead to real love and marriage. Let's face it, usually this is not the goo-goo gaa-gaa as I was making it sound, usually here things get rocky. This happens mostly because the initial lust have subsided and they are both wanting to bring it back so they start to play:

• ones calls don't get answered, or there is too much time in between
• the IM status gets set to "away" or "busy" just to make the other person wonder "wtf?"
• accusations of cheating thrown in each others face just to see how the other reacts
• already asked questions get asked again for reassurance stirring up frustrations
• mood changes, they are all of sudden not that happy to see each other and those negative traits that they each have accepted in "true or false" and previously hidden by the "business card" are now the source of irritation

I can go on with the list but I will end this post here. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but I write from experience. This sort of a relationship (if you can even call it that) has happened to me a number of times and after dissecting the circumstances of its ending, I realized that each one had a different reason for falling apart. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe it's my purpose to experience heartache and share it with my readers but I do know that I deserve to be loved and I am hoping that one day I will meet a man who will be honest and melt the ice that has covered my heart by warming it with love, understanding, sympathy and tenderness. The man who will accept me for who I am and there will be no need for games.

Boys, there is no need for games!

Men always say that "women love to play games" but the reality is that men play just as many if not more games than women. I don't know maybe it's just the men in my life, my "game-playing-type", maybe men just love to fuck with my head but I find myself constantly figuring out the moves and actions of the opposite sex.

Why can't it just be simple? Be honest, accept the other person for who they are and just keep it real. There is no need to say one thing while meaning another. There is so much time wasted on wondering "why" and "what does that mean" with an occasional "did I do something wrong?".

If you like someone - tell them, if you feel that fire inside of you - be brave, kiss them, if you are feeling that fire coming from the one you like - let it consume you, if you think there is a possibility of something great - don't let time and distance stop you from exploring it, if you think they love another - let it go, if you wonder why - ask them, if you don't like the answer - shame on you.

Wondering

I sit and think about being an adult...
I think my adulthood started in April of 1999, that's when I got pregnant. My son changed my life, only for the better. I know that the only reason I am where I am is because of him. I had to grow up when I learned there was a life growing inside of me. First thing I did on my 18th birthday was buy a pack of cigarettes, on my 21st birthday I was pregnant, it was my faith.

He is almost 8. He will celebrate his 8th birthday in the same city where I celebrated my childhood birthdays. Moscow. It's a big deal. I haven't been back in 9 1/2 years.

My mom is in deep depression. It kills a piece of me everyday. I stand strong but sometimes everything inside of me collapses. She is in the hospital tonight. The doctor said she had a mini-heart-attack. I am not sure what that is. How can a person have a mini-heart-attack? Anything that has to do with a persons heart is major. I have a really difficult relationship with my mom, she is my "greatest grief". I am so sad for my family. I can't help them. My mom suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I can't help her. I know that eventually she will take everybody (who let's her) down with her. I will not let her do that to me.

This is my first blog post. I will try to stick to this commitment of posting regularly.