It's All a Part of Growing Up

Offline

2009-01-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

Me turning 30 had a great impact on my life. Sure the silly youthful mistakes are no longer justified but it is more than that. I am aware that many of you have been wondering what happened to me and if I will ever write again. I was hesitant to lay myself out in a web format but a letter from a stranger stirred something in me and influenced me to hit the keys which will result in yet another post. Thank you stranger, your letter means much more to me than you think.

I will tell you where I have been and why I chose to stay offline. The decision to stop twittering, blogging, IMing and overall communicating via internet was a very conscious one.

1. I decided to stop searching and chasing butterflies. So much of my energy was concentrated towards socializing that I started neglecting those who need me the most, those I love.

I am no longer in search of love. I still believe in it, it is just not what I am about any more. I am not looking for a man to sweep me off my feet, not looking for any new friends. I realized that while I was so busy searching I became blind that what I already have, that being my family.

I never mentioned but my son does have a father, a pretty good one at that. Sure he is far from perfect but he has been a part of my life since adolescence. I always loved him but the romance has dissipated over the course of many years as a family unit. Indeed we are a family and I intend to keep it that way. Me having selfish impulses is a terrible reason to destroy something that so many can only hope for. Our son has a mom and dad and that is so precious. Our relationship is far from perfect but it is a relationship that has been tested and stood through the good and a whole lot of bad.

I decided to give him another chance.
Me staying offline and aiming my energy towards my family became a seamless process.

2. Work is another reason that I quit social networking. I love my job and whether I wanted to admit it or not, socializing was distracting me. I just couldn't catch that high anymore, the high I get when I create and see results.

I want to say that I cut my computer time by 60% and am very happy with my decision. I am still around and after receiving that letter today I decided that I will keep blogging. I like writing, that is one of the ways I exercise my creative demons.

Closure

2008-10-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Closure. It's a needed final step to end a life chapter. Funny how it's not always what logic tells us it should be.

What happenned to me was rather tragic but there is no need to go into details anymore. I was eliminated from someone's life, a man whom I had feelings for. It wasn't premeditated on his part, he just didn't think and when we parted he didn't offer me an explanation. I was forced to think of scenarios that lead to such a cruel outcome. At times I thought there was something wrong with me; maybe I was fat, or ugly, or spoke too loud. I know that I am neither but when you get rejected this madness veils over your brain and it is so hard to break away.

I thought my closure would be to find out WHY.

Time has passed (9 months to be exact). With every day I thought less and less of him, the one who didn't even realize the depth of the wounds he laid on my heart. I came to terms that I will never get an explanation and proclaimed time to be my healer, my closure.

Out of the blue he stepped back in my life. One message, just a few words that stirred me from inside out.

"It's about time you forgave everything"

How would you react to that? I thought and thought and finally replied with what I considered my final goodbye, with what i hoped would be a final paragraph in that chapter. I didn't need his explanation anymore. I wanted to leave him in my past. He didn't understand what I was trying to say and was appalled at my rejection. I have no desire to be in contact with him and he kept insisting on us being friends. I found it absurd but kept my cool and tried to use my words to let him go yet again. He just didn't get it and when I realized how stupid he is, I felt bad for ever thinking he was more. He stooped down low and threw some insults at me which forced me to simply spam him.

My final words to him were:
"How stupid you are. I am sick of it. You are blocked."

I don't know if he will find another way to get to me or even if he'll try. I am certain that I have finally moved on. There is nothing to hold on to. I freed myself. I got my closure.

Hitting 30 - A Birthday Post

2008-09-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is my 30th birthday which at first drastically depressed me. Normally I am not the kind of woman to get embarrassed by numbers; age, weight, height - it is what it is, who cares. This time around the age thing got me down just a little. I will no longer be in my 20s, I will now officially be a grown woman. Of course I have been a woman for a long time since that title is not really age but maturity based. One can be a total immature idiot at 30 and still act like a little girl, it is however more logical to refer to a younger girl in her 20s as a woman than a woman in her 30s as a girl.

I asked myself a question: what will the 30s bring?, which got me thinking as to what the 20s dropped off in my life. Actually that brought a smile to my lips. I accomplished a whole lot during the last decade.

So here it is, the accomplishments of the 20s era: when I was...
...20 I moved to San Francisco, started college, got pregnant.
...21 I had a baby, my wonderful little boy named AJ. I never stayed home after birth, kept going to school. I also became a U.S. citizen.
...22 I decided on my major and started going to school full time. 9/11 happened that year.
...23 I kept working my ass off at school.
...24 I won 3 awards for my design work. I graduated with a BFA in Computer Arts/New Media. I started my own business.
...25 I got my first REAL job where I still work!
...26 I advanced from being a web designer to department manager within first 2 months.
...27 I officially got promoted to Web Development Manager.
...28 I became involved deeply in the internet and it's webs. I fell in love. I embraced my Russian roots. I reunited with my childhood friends. I went back to Moscow for the first time in 10 years.
...29 I nursed my bleeding heart back to numbness just to realize that a few words from the one who broke it make it bleed all over again. I consolidated my credit cards and started to live on a strict budget. I got myself mentally ready for the 30s...did I?

If my 30s can even come close to matching my conquests of the 20s it will be fantastic. Here are some goals I have for the next 10 years:

Get out of debt!

Move to a home I would love to invite friends over to.

Refurnish and decorate my home.

Become a Creative Director!

Have an office with a door.

See my son graduate High School and go to college - OMG sob sob!!!

Find inner peace even if it doesn't include a man in my life.

Go on at least 1 vacation abroad every year (once I pay off my debt of course)

Have at least one more child, preferably 2.

Get married - not sure if this will happen

Alive

2008-08-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Emotions are life. When I feel, I breathe. I can be totally wrapped in sadness but as long as my heart beats out of sync I know I am alive.

Happy beats are rare.

I am afraid of being numb. I am in many ways but I know that I can still melt under the right touch.

And I breathe while I still can.

An American Gentleman

2008-08-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

Do men still have manners?

American culture or more so lack there of... I have lived in the United States for the most of my life but never got used to men not having manners. In my culture the vast majority of men know how to treat a lady. Sure those guys can be jerks and possess many other negative qualities but I guarantee they will all open the door, pull out a chair and help the woman into the car. Russian men will take it as a disrespectful gesture if the woman even tries to pull out her credit card, while in America women who demand that kind of a treatment are considered golddiggers. Personally I am appalled by the lack of respect towards the female part of American society.

Commonly American men use this phrase as an excuse for their poor upbringing; "women fought for their independence and the right to vote and such, so they should take care of themselves". Excuse the fuck out of me but if you, the man, ask me to join you in a restaurant and we are not buddies why should I worry about the check? If you, the man, offer to give me a ride why should I struggle to squeeze into your car. If you, the man, see me, the woman, walking within a few feet of you, why can't you just hold the damn door open for me and let me walk in first? The list is neverending really... And please, guys, those ones of you who consider yourself well-mannered, think twice about that if you act like a gentleman and then expect a favor in return. I guarantee that all the poor mothers of these men always broke their back for their fathers and never even knew what it's like to be a lady.

I strongly believe that women should have many rights that men do but I am not denying that we are the "weaker sex". I personally can't fix a car and don't feel that I should but if I'm driving with a man and my tire pops his response shouldn't be; "let's call AAA". Women already work full time jobs and often enough are the heads of the household but that doesn't mean that a man should act like a bitch.

I am really not trying to piss you guys off, simply letting you know that I have no room in my life for ignorance.

Wassup With Me - 07 / 23 / 08

2008-07-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

What has been going on with me? What hasn't. I went through an emotional rollercoaster, luckily never reaching it's peaks. I coasted through.

There were: old (yet still there) love, new and old friends, men, good food, alcohol, cigarettes etc. I couldn't come up with one topic to write about just because there was too much going on. It is kind of like watching Jurassic Park, you just know something is going to jump out at you from behind almost every corner.

Tomorrow I am going out to a really big party and on Saturday I very possibly be singing to a karaoke. For now I am just contemplating many things and once my thoughts are clear I will put them on your computer screen.

Good night.

Hard to Get Gets Harder

2008-06-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote about playing games a few times in my blog but I just want to address it again. I just don't understand why people like to fuck with each others heads.

A friend of mine (who is a perfect textbook example of a 30-something male) told me recently:

"When you like someone and show it the other person will always not be as interested as you are or even as you want them to be until the roles reverse".

I thought about that and have to agree even though I hate to admit it. I can say with confidence that I am not one of those people but I am as usual a minority. I act on instinct: meaning if I like a guy I will flirt and show my attraction and if I don't, I will not pay him much attention. So if I am obviously interested in you all you have to do is not get intimidated by my confidence and just enjoy it, we both know it won't last forever. I am not easy and I don't throw myself on men but if I meet someone who gets my juices flowing I will go for it. If I don't return your calls it's not because I want you to keep calling but because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like playing "hard to get", don't see a point in it but unfortunately it seems to be the way to get the boys.

Why do you guys like when the girl acts like she likes someone else? Why does it make you crazy with passion when your emails, IMs, sms and voicemails go unanswered? Why is it that when you sense that the girl who was interested in you at one point and whom you rejected because she came on too strong and is now cooled off towards you, you want her all of a sudden? She is still the same girl but she is tired of playing your games and is really not interested in you anymore, so just because you decided that now is the time to display your male animal-like behavior, will not make her want you, you missed out on your chance.

I think about this subject a lot and wonder. Relationships that start off being hot right off the bat, cool off very fast. But the ones that start as friendships develop a foundation that is much deeper than all the heavy breathing and morph into something real, even if that's just a stronger friendship.

I give up on pursuing men! That's it! Can't do it anymore. I obviously can't be who I am without being perceived as something I am not so I put my forwardness in my pocket. No more showing attraction, no more flirting. We'll see how that pans out.

Устала Маша.

The Breakup

2008-06-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today I got broken-up with and not the usual kinda break-up way. It wasn't even a guy it was a girl who I, up until today, considered a good friend.

We weren't best friends, as a matter of fact when I first met her I didn't want to be friends with her at all, but over the course of last 6 months she grew on me. We went through a few hard and good times together and even though we are very different we found a common language.

She is simple and always positive, I on the other hand am very complicated and have a lot of bad days. She is not well spoken nor educated but a kind, good person and an even better mother. That is something that we shared - we are both single mothers of the same age. Our situations are very different but at the same time the amount and the significance of our differences drew us towards each other. Something just worked.

I can't say that I fully knew her, I understand now that I definitely didn't but her good heart made me overlook her ignorance. I accepted her just as she was and only expected the same in return. Up until today I had that.

I don't know what I did to make her break our friendship but it must have been significant or maybe I am just the kind of person who doesn't burn bridges. I always give people a chance to speak their side and most likely another chance.

We were fine yesterday, now that I replay everything that took place last night I guess I see some red flags but they are by no means enough to kill a friendship.

Here is what happened:

She started seeing some guy about 2 weeks ago. I know she really wants to have a boyfriend but I am almost inclined to think that the desire overpowers her common sense. I should have just stayed out of it but as a friend I warned her that certain aspects of this guy's personality (based on what she told me about him) were peculiar to me and went against my "dateable" standard. I didn't push my opinion, just warned her to be careful since she recently had a traumatic experience. We talked on the way home from work and everything seemed fine. She asked why I seem a little indifferent today and I explained that I am just in an i-don't-give-a-fuck kind of mood. When we got off the train we parted ways and made a plan to call each other later. I was very tired. When I got home I laid down and shortly was near sleep when something told me to check my e-mail. My inbox indicator told me that I have one message. Her and I belong to the same social network and what I saw in my e-mail is that the guy she is seeing sent me a message via that network. I found it a bit strange since I never seen nor talked to the guy but went ahead and read his words which simply greeted me and asked me how I was. I didn't reply, stepping on my friend's toes is never an option in my book, those guys are of no interest to me whatsoever - the quality of my character I wear with pride. I decided to send her an sms and tell her that her guy is messaging me, hey us girls should stick together, right? Well I am not sure what really happened after that.

Here is the chain of sms:

me: hey your guy is messaging me via ***
her: you should reply to him
me: ok I will tomorrow
her: are you busy?
me: a little, watching TV with my son
her: ok are you busy?
me: if I don't fall asleep I will call you later

I had no intent to call her, I was beat.
This morning she didn't call me as usual (we ride to work together). I thought that maybe she isn't going to work and sent her and sms which went unreplied. Sent a few more of those and left a couple of voice-mails - all went unanswered. I found it strange since this girl is a known bugaboo.

Here is the next set of sms:

me: are you ok? I am worried. Why are you not calling me?
her: don't worry. I just don't want to talk to you
me: what did I do to you?
her: nothing
me: why are you mad at me?
me: you owe me an explanation
me: I was nothing but a good friend to you
her: good friends don't do what you did. Friendship is over.
me: fine I won't write or call you anymore but just think that maybe you are making a mistake

Then I saw a notification that she deleted me of the friend list on the social network.

And just like that the friendship is over.

It's All About the Job

2008-06-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

I am very angry. I keep my posts blurry but need to be clear that there is a warrior in me today. I am ready to click-clack my heels and go kick some ass. It's all work related so I have to fight with words and not fists.

I am amazed at how me not smiling can just put a negative shell all around me. I wasn't a bitch - I told it how it was, was cold and professional, like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada. It really is all about the job but I refuse to get walked all over and not demand to be heard and respected.

It's all about the job.

I am probably not making much sense to you reader, but every time the tip of my finger hits the key the keyboard is rattling with my anger.

Something Real

2008-06-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

Life is so ironic. Always want what we can't have. Like Alanis Morisette said:

"It's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife"

It happens so very rarely when 2 people click and they can just be themselves with one another without any insecurities and prejudices. Friendship is the foundation of happiness. Weather it's platonic or emotionally charged, establishing that friendship is the key to making a relationship last. Friendship is pure and selfless as should love be. Those who are lucky enough to find a friend in a person of an opposite sex have a chance for something real. There will be no games, just pure, honest love.

The Man for Me

2008-06-08T19:44:00.000-07:00

Human nature is so incredibly confusing, most of the time we can't explain our own behavior. For example - "why is grass always greener on the other side?". The truth is that once you get on that other side the green grass turns out to be too green, you get allergies from it and kinda start peeking through the hole in the fence and missing the yellowish grass on your old side.

Another example - "Why do we want something we can't have?" Or someone. I notice that in myself. I am addicted to taming the beast. I am always attracted to the 'wrong guy'. He is tall, handsome, devilishly sexy, financially set but he comes with more issues that a 30+ man is allowed to have. He is difficult, doesn't know what he wants, selfish and a player (most of the time). Shit! most of these guys are unavailable - physically and mentally. Some of them have scorned hearts and souls. I want to be the one to get through all that and see the man inside, the man he doesn't allow himself to be. Vulnerability in a man is the sexiest quality.

Why am I so attracted to the type? Well of course for the obvious good on paper (and in the mirror) qualities. (1)I like a man who can take care of himself and teach me a thing or two. I am an intelligent woman but I need a man who I can learn something from. (2)He needs to have the kind of body that can protect me in the streets and make me scream in the sheets (corny but true). (3)He must have a sense of humor, the kind that cracks me up. (4)He needs to be set in life. I don't need a rich man but I refuse to pay a man's bills. No no, made that mistake already before. (5)He must be sexy, it has to ooze from his pores. (4)And most important he needs to be mysterious and impossible to tame.

Lots of men tell me that I am exactly that, impossible to break through, a wild horse, after all I was born the year of the horse (1978). If a guy is see-through he bores me right away. I need to feel like I am different in his life from his other women and maybe even friends. I want to be his friend and confidant. I want something to tie us; mentally and emotionally, something deeper than sex. I want the sex to be lovemaking and not just a fuck.

The issues this type of a man has are overwhelming but I keep falling for him. I need a challenge and perhaps I will never find my match. I am very straight forward and some men are intimidated by that which right away puts them into not-my-type category. I never make the first move but once I see a green light I can definitely come on pretty strong. The man I want can handle that and even get the upper hand but the majority of others can't and don't. Most of those change their mind later but my pride won't let me go after them anymore and so the game starts because the attraction is still there. I hate playing games but my damned pride. What can I do? I am just that a wild horse looking for my cowboy.

And Then There Was None

2008-05-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

I wrote about my friend who was pregnant.

Today I took her to the hospital. She had a miscarriage. She lost the baby.

I was driving her to the hospital and she lost it right there in my car. She is so strong, screaming in pain and still trying to crack jokes.

She wanted that baby, if no other reason then for her daughter to have a sibling.

She is alone, in her soul.

I am sad.

Sad.

The Mars, the Venus and the Home Ec

2008-05-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think guys are so simple it's hard to understand them. We, women, always expect for everyone around us to make well-thought-through decisions, meaning one would need to analyze all the facts and think about the consequences before leaping forward. We really overestimate the males around us, always wondering to ourselves; why did he do this? what is he thinking? The truth is that he did it because he was thinking with his 'other head' and he wasn't thinking about anyone but himself when he did it. To know more about a man's psyche is to not try to get inside of it. It is what it is, he didn't think his decision through so why should we be trying to dissect his brain, everything is on the surface. Think simple ladies.

Men don't think with their head, on the contrary they think with their anatomy and heart. They make their decisions purely based on emotion for the purpose of gaining immediate results. Women, on the other hand, tend to overthink everything. We want to figure it out and then talk about all the pros and cons. Men don't like talking, they are action-makers.

Men are like babies, they need love and nurture, they are not meant to live alone, while a lot of women are very comfortable being single. Nobody likes it but we just cope with loneliness better, after all we were taught the home-ec skills in middle school. I even noticed that in multi-children families boys get babied more. A boy always has females around him starting with his mother and eventually leading to wife and maybe even daughter(s). Women spoil the other sex with all the warmth and attention and then we wonder why is it that men expect their wifes to cook and clean. Well the reality is that the ones that have those expectations are the ones whose mothers were housewives and babied the hell out of them. While men grow up prepared to stand their corner and hunt for food most of them don't know what to do with what they hunted so tirelessly.

Some roles have changed; men learned how to cook, clean and do laundry and women picked the head of the household title and went to work, but the bottom line is the nature of the sexes will not change. Women will always be the nurturers and keep spoiling their men and men will keep taking it for granted only realizing the concept of household-survival once the woman is no longer there to keep it up.

Me, my blog and you

2008-05-16T14:55:00.001-07:00

When I first started blogging it was just a way for me to sort through my thoughts. With time my blog fused all of my randomness into a public display of emotions. I am an open person and my feelings are what makes me ME.

I try to write in a way that makes people think, with a theme, which is often common throughout my posts, after all the biggest word in my tag cloud is Love. I actually think it's a great way to see who you are and what your writing really means. Who would have thought that a web 2.0 technology, widget, or whatever you want to call it can make it so clear what the blogger is so desperately trying to convey to others. Someone asked me recently; "Why do people blog?". I tried to explain the theory about blogging but really broke it down to him about my personal reasons for showcasing my most private self. I do it to understand myself and write in hope that one of my readers is going through something similar but doesn't have enough courage to reach out. Maybe my posts give somebody answers and balance.

According to Google analytics, my blog is read worldwide. What drives people to read my words? It can either be a form of voyeurism or they just see a piece of themselves in my words, which are essentially reflections of me.

Please keep reading and commenting. Your words let my thoughts turn into words which then can live and flourish.

Single Mom

2008-05-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

My very close friend is pregnant. She is not married and sadly boyfriendless as well. When she first told me that she was with child we discussed her options and abortion was not one of them.

She had a one night stand with the man who is gonna be the father of her baby. He is not interested in being a part of her nor baby's life. I don't judge because shit happens to everyone, not that I should be calling a child-in-the-making shit. I have made a ton of stupid mistakes myself (probably will make a ton more) and when I see a friend in a sticky situation I try to be exactly what I am supposed to be, a friend, not a probation officer.

When she first found out about her pregnancy, she was scared and vulnerable which is very unlike her, unusually strong and optimistic girl. Well now she is 3.5 months along and is showing. Her belly looks like she swallowed a little pumpkin.

Yesterday she started bleeding and went to the hospital. The doctors said it doesn't seem to be a miscarriage but they are not sure what is going on. I was and still am very worried. What makes me sad is that she is all alone. She is a strong woman and knew what she was getting herself into, having this baby without a father, but it is still very sad. In times like this the man should be there with her in the hospital, holding her hand, showing support.

I want to have more kids and am ok with being a single mom (I already am one), but when I think of going through the process of pregnancy, birth, and raising a small child, I know that I don't want to do it alone. The first year of the baby's life is by far the hardest (my son is 8 and I don't know how hard his teens ahead are gonna be). I guess if I don't meet the man who would be my husband and a good father to any kids we might have together, I won't be having children.

Deep sigh

Mother's Day Poem for Me

2008-05-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all the stuff that you did for me.
You are the greatest for everything.
This is a poem for you, I love you,
You love me, you are the greatest in the family.
You love me and give me respect
And I love you for that.
You and I respect to each other.
You are the greatest mom ever.

Your son AJ

Pain is no longer mine

2008-05-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.

Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.

It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.

I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.

I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.

Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.

I think I will be alright.

Ignorance

2008-04-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

I hate ignorance. Ignorance can be spread like cancer through words, actions, just through people. So many people make judgment without any merit. It pisses me off when people start running their mouth about a country they've never been to, a person they've never met, a job they've never worked. Тhe lack of intelligence seeps out of their pores. Those are the kind of people I just eliminate from my life. There is no room for them in my already crowded existence.

Obsessions

2008-04-24T14:15:00.001-07:00

Very often I catch myself finding something to obsess about and obsessing over and over to the point of insanity. I think I do it out of boredom. Life can be so dull.

It can be a project, an idea, a person, an insecurity, just anything and I get so into it that I actually start imagining something that is not real. I think I end up causing myself pain in the long run from that.

I need to have better self-control. I told myself that so many times. It's better to just not give a damn about anything than force yourself to hallucinate.

Первый Русский Пост

2008-04-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Объясняю...

Я проживаю в Штатах с 1992 года. Как я сюда попала и детали последних 16 лет в этом посте обсуждать не буду, но скажу так: было время (93-06) когда я общалась исключительно с англо-говорящими людьми. Русское общение в моей жизни того времени было ограничено необходимостью поддерживания отношений с родителями, да необходимостью, но это другая тема.

Примерно год назад в моей жизни появился человек который открыл мне глаза на мои корни и с тех пор в моей жизни очень многое изменилось. Одновременно мои глаза увидели тупизм и бескультурье страны в которой я живу.

Друзья, мидия и общение в целом в моей сегодняшней жизни на 75% русское. Оставшиеся 25% составляют меньшую но не менее дорогую часть, я окружаю себя лучшим из двух миров.

Я Русская и горжусь этим.

За ранее прошу простить мои граматические ошибки, т.к. русская клавиатура тоже новый консепт в моей русско-американской жизни.

Slipping Away

2008-04-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

My Grandma (the dearest person tome) has had a stroke and I feel like she is dying. I haven't seen her since it happened. Doctors say that after a stroke there is a huge chance for another one. I am scared she is slipping away. She raised me, she has to make it.

Moving and Moving On

2008-04-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am a total mess today. There is so much going on in my life I am having a hard time processing it all. Ok I am gonna roll back and start where my last post left off...

So I got back from my trip and was licking my wounds. They are still healing but I have definitely moved on from the mishap of the New Year, basically shit happens and it was a lesson learned.

The problems that gloomed over me before never disappeared and became even more disturbing, so 2 days ago I found myself in a place I have never been before, I made a solid decision to get a fresh start. I am looking for a new place to move possibly. I don't know how it will all work out but it is sure worth a try. I feel that if I stay in my apartment my life will never change. I need to do something drastic to force myself to accept the direction my life needs to go in...which kind of brings me to the next point...

Yesterday I was talking to a guy-friend of mine on the late night, we were both not-sober so the topics of our conversations held no barriers. He told me about his romantic adventures, which put a little ping in my stomach even though I have no reason to get jealous, non at all except for the fact that he verbally resembles the kind of man I want to be with, but oh well, never was mine so no reason to be upset. Actually I respect him being real and telling me the truth, so many men do just the opposite...shit women do that too..ah we are all guilty of being liars for selfish reasons. Anyways after he confessed his part he asked me; "wassup with your personal life?" and my answer was "I don't have any". Sad as it may sound it is indeed true, and that is the reason I need to embark on a new journey. Need to be independent and embrace the freedom of my upcoming 30s.

To all my readers I apologize for not writing too often but I will try to improve that. Thanks for your support and keep me in your prayers.

Heartbeats

2008-02-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I am afraid of my own words, afraid they will bring the pain and tears back up to the surface. I will be honest and say that my wounds are still too raw and I don't know when they will heal. I do know that even when that time comes, there will still be scars that will affect every relationship I will ever be a part of.

My heart is not broken. Oh no, it takes a whole lot more to break that but something did break. My self assurance, self esteem, hope for love. This man came into my life when I least expected. I never asked anything of him but with his words and attention he gave me hope. This little part of me that has been asleep for many years was starting to awake and I began to feel. I am not sure what I was feeling but having some of my numbness go away was incredible and gave me reason to smile. He took over my thoughts, became a light that I was so tirelessly running towards. The real part of me was going back to being naive. I felt like I could finally be happy.

It wasn't only the concept of being with a man but what he represented, what I wanted out of life. His sense of humor warmed me. I was basking in his words and what I thought were feelings towards me. Our relationship was purely verbal and oceans were between us. We shared parts of each other and hoped for more, at least I did.

What hurts the most is that he made my heart beat faster and when we met face to face it was racing. It might seem insignificant to some as it is the natural way to react when you like a person, but to me it was just the opposite. My heart sped up for the first time since I was a teenager.

Just as fast as I was reaching heights, I was falling. I fell hard and bruised my whole being. He broke me. My soul feels like a piñada; beaten, abused.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I don't think he even cares if I am hurt because he took what I was willing to give and threw it all away so carelessly. Maybe he never took it at all since the feeling of rejection is overwhelming. He didn't plan to crash, didn't think that far ahead. He was selfish, wanted to numb his broken heart with an idea of something new. His heart was never for the taking. He didn't know that when he finally saw me in person he would realize that he loved his ex all along. He left me among strangers and went to where his heart was pulling him towards.

I am not sure if they got back together, not sure if I even care to know. It's over and I don't look back. I do know that I am not over it. It affected me in ways I never thought it would. It has been two months and I think about him every day. He takes over my dreams.

Some days are good, some are bad but mostly they are gray and neutral. The hope is gone, not forever I try to convince myself, but yet again my heart has slowed down to a calm pace.

Lessons

2008-01-22T15:02:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in over a month. A lot has happened and it will take time to digest it all and move on.

For the last six months I had a new hope, something to keep me going, something to look forward to. I had so much invested into my trip, mostly emotionally and even though it was the right trip to take at the right time in my life, it turned out to be a "lesson learned".

Lessons

If something(one) seems to good to be true, it is. I should have known this but yet mistake made again.

Don't plan love, if love is in your path it will happen when you least expect it. Once you start planning it, it is already over before it begun, it wasn't meant to be.

If the one you are attracted to says things to you that you are not ready to hear yet, it's a red flag. It might feel good but real emotions surface at the right time and you will know when that time is. You will know when the other person is sincere even if you don't feel the same because empty words are just that, empty. Some people get too infatuated too fast and it always ends abruptly and painfully.

If something doesn't feel right, let it be a warning of more drama to come. If the one you like is difficult before you even had the chance to go through the "honeymoon" phase, there will most certainly be more of that the further you get into the relationship.

This may sound really pessimistic but don't believe everything you are told, even if you really really really wanted to hear it. There should be something solid, a foundation that all promises are based on. I think I believe in love from the first sight but the lesson that I learned is that any non-casual intimate relationship that is worth pursuing should spin off a friendship.

Let the other person get to know you and like you as a person before any signs of intimacy are exchanged.

This might be a big blow to the online dating industry but relationships that start via monitor and an IM window don't work. I won't elaborate any further and some of you will perhaps argue with me but this is how I feel. I will not start any relationship (friendship or otherwise) online ever again.

I am a lost soul searching for my anchor. Every time I think I found something I can hang on to, something that feels real, I realize that it is only an illusion. I am not heart broken but I am hurt. Let all these lessons make me stronger, even though with all the strength I gain from painful experiences my heart turns more and more into ice.

Yet I still believe,

I still believe.

Where is all this coming from you may ask. I am not ready to discuss the painful details just yet but perhaps I will use bits and pieces of my pain as future topics that will make everyone think. I don't know to how many of you my words relate on a personal level but if there is at least one person who feels what I try so hard to bring out from my heart and onto the screen, I thank you.

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 12.17.07

2007-12-17T09:39:00.000-08:00

Apple Aksinya aksinya работа. плачу. работаю. снова плачу. плачу. пытаюсь работать. всё ещё. 3

Ann nearbird хочу колы, секса и новое платье.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru самый страшный звук в серверной - тишина...

dkemper dkemper Twitter is going under the knife.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Лень — когда ты точно знаешь, что у тебя на компе это есть, но так лень искать, что легче скачать. ...

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @BBSoD ой к сожелению Машу довели!!!!

BBSoD BBSoD @myVision Маша?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision все мои так-называемые подруги в Москве меня заебали - пошли они все на хуй!!!

Number One numberone bash: Едет веб-мастер в поезде и слышит: < td> < /td > ... < td >< /td > ... < td >< /td > (улыбнуло) ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Я не пристёгиваюсь в своей машине, потому что краш-тест 9ки гласит, что водителю п#здец в любом случае. ...

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пришел спам с темой «Руководство по эксплуатации человека человеком». Мне уже страшно. ...

Apple Aksinya aksinya благодаря TOP20 от @myVision я наконец прочитала, что @BBSoD влюбился! опачки : ))))

Fluffy uvicbunny playing with Fluffy. And I don't mean myself.

Paul Short paulshort If life were fair I'd be twittering from somewhere where little umbrellas in drinks are mandatory.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru По морде будильничьей вижу - готовится, сволочь, звенеть...

basvasilich basvasilich Иногда мне кажется что мой макбук умнее меня... сука...

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Твайумать, а я так и не ел.

Anna Volkova Neta_insane #thought выбрасывая просроченные таблетки, ловлю на мысли что и у некоторых отношений очень короткий срок годности. ...

Evan Williams ev Renewing twitter.com. (Um, yeah, I think maybe not letting it expire is a good idea.)

а меня Маша зовут... myVision любовь это нетерпение, жажда, невесомость, интимность, опознание нового, желание ...

My Social Networking User Testimonial

2007-12-10T16:25:00.000-08:00

I wrote this testimonial as a part of the web 2.0 presentation we are doing tomorrow for the President and the Chairman of the company.

"I originally got involved into social networking for the purpose of locating long-lost friends. It was summer of 2006 and Myspace (myspace.com) was huge at the time. It gave me an opportunity to have my own private virtual high school reunion.

Since then I tried a few different social networking sites and they all had similarities but definitely were targeted towards different audiences/target market. I found Myspace to be very juvenile after a while so I decided to look elsewhere to socialize on the web. So I discovered Twitter (twitter.com). I loved it immediately for its non-committal way of blogging, aka micro-blogging (140 characters max). Twitter is a way for me to describe my state of mind, share and research helpful information, stay current on the new trends related to my life and career, and network globally. I became a twitterer in March 2007 and since then it became a part of my everyday life. My morning coffee is just not the same unless I read through the twits I missed while I was sleeping."

Phones. Future.

2007-12-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

It's so funny to think that there used to be a time, not all that long ago, when having a mobile phone was not common. In 1997 when pagers were huge, only one person i knew had a celly. It was big and bulky, barely fit in his pocket, but boy, he was so cool for having it. It was an overpriced "chick-magnet".

I am not a jealous but a practical person, so I always thought it was cool to have a phone but in reality using the pay phone was not all that bad. They were everywhere and unlike today they were a "convenience". I think now using a pay phone would be just the opposite, incredibly inconvenient. Pay phones were gross, dirty, and smelled bad but if you had a quarter you could easily call anyone locally, long distance was another story.

When you picked up the receiver, you pushed out the thought of who else has done god-knows-what to the same device as far out of your mind as possible. One time I saw a condom pulled over the thing. I remember someone telling me that when all pay phones had the ability to be called back, they were also personal offices for prostitutes.

The phone booths were also famous for graffiti. Almost every one had phone numbers, naughty drawings, and gang signs all over. I wonder how many people actually called one of those numbers and made a decent connection, not many I presume.

I got my first cell phone in 1999, it came with a free gift of Round Table Pizza coupons and Titanic VHS. Yes those were the days. VHS! Can you believe it?

I think I had 4 phones since then and I don't have an iPhone yet but it is on my list of things to buy in 2008. It's so amazing how a big, bulky, overpriced mobile phone was "so cool" in 1997 and now the iPhone is something out of the future...

...wait a minute, this is the future and as I heard in a Spongebob episode, "Everything is chrome in the future!"

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 12.5.07

2007-12-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

i heart quotes iheartquotes After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Честное слово, заебали уже со своим айфоном

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Мне похуй на iPhone

Girlsnap babygirlxo @myVision: your new avatar kicks twitter ass

Chris Wetherell cw Walking the fine line between belief and delusion. Not easy to do sober.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Реальный п#здец это когда на вопрос "Серёга, чё вчера со мной было?" тебе приходит ссылка на youtube.

Ann nearbird обедаю бутербродом с брынзой и овощным соком. тяжелые настали времена, эхх. сейчас бы мяяяяса.

i heart quotes iheartquotes This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM А я не пошел на выборы. Я буду гореть в аду?

Apple Aksinya aksinya улыбаюсь вовсю)))))))

Shafiq Jetha sjetha The best thing about Canada? Lack of smokers.

Shafiq Jetha sjetha Leaving makes me sad. Goodbyes make me sadder. :(

FanXFire FanXFire закомплексованные девушки, не верящие в свою красоту - иногда они раздражают. ...

Anna Volkova Neta_insane #feel I thought you can't love. I was wrong. You can. You just can't love me. Хорошая мысль. Правильная.

Jim Dunn jimdunn Oh dear. My wife wants a Blackberry for X-mas. We can use it to look up marriage counselors.

classx classx сегодня в маршрутке кто-то пытался через синий зуб взломать мой телефон...грубо работаете товарищи... ...

hochu_na_ruchki hochu_na_ruchki Никто не знает женщин хуже чем они сами.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Готовлюсь к мучительной смерти. :)

Todd Kelley toddkelley Why am i addicted to commenting on @myVision blog? STOP WRITIN' GIRL!!!

а меня Маша зовут... myVision I can be really depressed or really happy or simply realistic, being realistic and happy at the same time is a challenge however

Too Sexual?

2007-12-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

Can a woman be too sexually persuasive? So much that it can turn a man off?

It seems to me that some men choose women who are shy and others like the flirty girls. I am sure that when picking a wife the criteria is much different than when picking a one-night stand, but even then some men contrary to enjoying a sexually aggressive woman in the bedroom don't choose to take her home to meet mom. Another man gets scared when a woman wants sex more often than him. There seems to be a delicate balance that is individual to all love affairs. There can be too much of a good thing and the key is to keep it at a level when it is just enough for both lovers.

Listen to yourself and listen to your lover. Listen to the body language. Learn to love and be loved in a a gentle and natural way. When we start thinking too much about chemistry it gets too complicated and becomes rehearsed. Sex should be natural and uninhibited. When you are with the one you are meant for, too much will be not enough, it's love after all.

Просто хотелось поделиться...

2007-12-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

A Good Friend

2007-12-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

What makes a good friend? What is the criteria we use to choose our circle of friends? And when does an acquaintance crosses into the friend zone?

I think we all choose our acquaintances based on our needs, primarily the need for companionship. Other unifying factors which play a role in people-choosing are common interests and character compatibility. I am using big words here but what I am trying to say is that in a friend we seek a person who can make us laugh, is not judgmental, and helpful when the times are rough. An acquaintance becomes a friend when they learn something about you that is not so pretty, and it doesn't make them turn away but instead it brings you closer together because the imperfections are what makes us and our relationships real.

A good friend is the one who will be there for you regardless of how much of a fool you made of yourself. A good friend will tell you when you are wrong but at times when you need someone to see things the way you see them, they will. A good friend will tell you it's ok even though you both know it's not, providing comfort even if only for a little while. A good friend will listen and let you cry your heart out. A good friend will go to the airport in the middle of the night in the pouring rain and pick you up when you have no other ride. A good friend will hold your head above the toilet when you are drunk. A good friend will support you when you find love, even if it's outside your marriage. A good friend will not tell your secrets even if they don't agree with keeping them. A good friend will not get mad when you choose to go on a date rather than going out with them. A good friend will tell you to shut the fuck up when you are running your mouth too much. A good friend will call you back even if you told them not to bother. A good friend will back off when you have had enough. A good friend will not hold grudges. A good friend will not get mad and there will be no reason to forgive.

We are all adults and friends are our biggest support system. Without my friends I wouldn't be me. So all my girls and all the fellas, you know who you are, this holiday season I am thankful for ya'll and I want to be to you what you are to me.

Stability

2007-11-29T18:17:00.000-08:00

Everything is so temporary, even life itself will end when the time comes. We are all seeking stability, something to hold on to, something that is guaranteed to be around for years to come. A good job, a house; all of that is great but very materialistic and while it can provide financial security and comfort neither one will offer a shoulder to cry on. We are all looking for stability in relationships.

Friends

Friends are great, the ones who make us laugh, never judge and are selfless but to keep it real, good friends are hard to come by. Some are lucky to have had long term friendships; since childhood, high school, college. There is stability there but for me lots of friends have come and gone. With some I parted ways due to circumstances other friendships just reached their expiration date.

Marriage

"Till death do us part", well that seems long-term and screams stability but the reality is that most marriages end in divorce. Marriage is a contract based relationship and breaking that contract can be costly which forces some to stay together even when the love is gone.

Children

Some women are so desperate to have kids. The biological clock starts ticking loudly after 30 and they are ready to go the extreme. No man? Oh well, there is always the turkey baster. Is it the need to nurture? Maybe but mostly I think it's the need for stability. Having a child guarantees companionship for at least 18 years but most likely for the rest of your life.

Nothing is for certain and we must hold on to all the great relationships we have. These are the relationships that are selfless, the ones that make us grow and mature mutually. They will too come to an end but as long as we have that chance to live and love, we have to embrace it.

Crash

2007-11-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

Is it better to crash and burn or never to crash at all? One would think it's a stupid question. Seriously, why would somebody wanna crash? But what if right before the crash, you were given what you were longing for? Would you still not go for it? I am not speaking in terms of life and death but more on the lines of analyzing the phrase so familiar to all of us. "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Do you think any different about my original question now? Would you crash for love?

This question has been on my mind for a while, and God knows I banged my wrist simulating a "crash" enough times to hurt myself. What do I think you may wonder. Well dear reader, knowing my nature, even though I can name a million reasons for being safe and sane, I am neither, and I know that even if I convince myself to not get in that horrible accident also known as a "broken heart", I will do it anyways just because love and anything that has to do with it is my drug of choice. I will fall and fall till I hit that ground. I will lay there hurting, with tears streaming down my face, burning me on the surface, burning from within. I will lay till I can peel myself up and then I will get up and walk again knowing that it is my destiny, and my destiny is to write beautiful words about my pain, to blog my heartache. I will walk having experienced what others only wish of. I will walk.

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 11.29.07

2007-11-28T19:59:00.000-08:00

Riz Sanchez guitarchic Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? (Pfft I'm not just singing okay.) If love kills, then mine is one sweet death.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru - Вернулся я как-то из командировки… - И что, ты его в шкафу нашел? - Нет, я его за гаражом закопал. ...

xaris hope thexaris i have an imaginary boyfriend but you can't meet him because my brain is not yours.

BBSoD BBSoD Сделайте 40 часов в сутках или научите меня не спать! Дела, дела, дела… Мать их! :-( ...

Todd Kelley toddkelley sh!tface drunk. eating everything in the frig before i pass out unconscious. gonna be fun to read this in the morning when i don't remember.

а меня Маша зовут... myVision -girl you slept with Santa? - well technically yes -ho-ho-ho!!!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Любопытно, но пока в бане не появилась табличка “Жопу занавесками не вытирать”, об этом никто даже и не думал… ...

Dhani Schimizzi SpaghettiKing THINKING THAT: if I'm afraid of dying (then I'm afraid of living).

experiment626 experiment626 Leftover season - day 1.

а меня Маша зовут... myVision Машенька, заинька, будь умницей, хотя дурой быть на много проще

Dimitry dimitry "Greetings from Amazon.com. We regret to inform you that an error caused the following item(s) to be displayed at an incorrect price:" ...

KL0I KL0I Guy's are just... I don't really have a proper word right now... Good night.

Ann nearbird все же нельзя жить одними планами на будущее. _сейчас_ тоже должно быть хорошо. а не лет через 5. ...

Apple Aksinya aksinya 2 часа сна - это много или мало?! жизнь - сплошные выборы. крестик.. галочка.. брррр. доброе утро! ...

BBSoD BBSoD «Я тут мозгом подумал…» — очень чудесная фраза!

slaff slaff Почему некоторым персонажам пофиг, что они приходят в офис и воняют? Вода вроде есть.. мыло тоже не дорого стоит ...

Akela Talamasca akelatal Okay, everyone: if you celebrate Thanksgiving Day, then please enjoy yourselves. If you don't, then please enjoy yourselves. Whatever.

Todd Kelley toddkelley Godl i haven't been this drunk since college. had to leave the pub cause the bartender said she was gonna take me home. damn she's hot...

Apple Aksinya aksinya ужасно не хочется думать. но в ближайшие дни это главное занятие.

BBSoD BBSoD Голодный, небритый, сонный, да и вообще никакой поехал я в институт. Что меня там ждёт?

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 11.21.07

2007-11-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

Apple Aksinya aksinya угу. я тоже лав. май долбанный лайф.

slaff slaff Ура! Дома снова интернет! ЩАСТЬЕ, мать вашу!

Akela Talamasca akelatal @myvision: My treat, my tweet!

Apple Aksinya aksinya купила карту в зал на полгода. посмотрим.. что можно сделать в этом маленьком зале с моей большой... ну, в общем :) ...

hochu_na_ruchki hochu_na_ruchki Собираюсь ехать за чмоками)) к милому))

Felicity OhFelicity by the way Twitter never lies.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM На работе всё как обычно. Даже не знаю хорошо это или плохо.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Встретив человека, улыбнись ему - быть может ты видишь его в последний раз.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Кто говорит, что любовь полностью убивает разум, тот никогда не встречался с ревностью. ...

Tony Chester tonychester @myVision Yes maam! Thank you maam. Can I have another?

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - (shocked) How the hell did you know!!! Oops... I mean... What is that strange thing you're talking about?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @toddkelley uh-huh! puff puff pass :)!

Todd Kelley toddkelley trying to give a f*** about getting any work done. Time for another morning break...

Gody Gody Always organize your thoughts before sending emails. Do not send emotional emails immediately. Type, save then read it later before sending.

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - Don't let it get to you. Handle that sh**

Shafiq Jetha sjetha I can get very involved, and emotional and violent given the right circumstances.

Todd Kelley toddkelley Man, support like a muthaf%@%$. I love my twitter fam...

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @toddkelley fa sho, people like us need to stick together, making a dollar out of 15 cents has always been a challenge but doing it so far

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @BBSoD да мы все такими деталями делимся, поэтому тви и прекрасен, вот я на себя взяла публикацию топ 20 (от смеха до романтики) ...

BBSoD BBSoD Кажется, я влюбился. А ещё бросил материться, пить алкоголь и курить. Только какого лешего я это сюда пишу?!

Comedies, Tragedies, Great Love

2007-11-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

I always knew that my life will somehow resemble a great movie, the kind of movie that has the audience applauding and weeping at the end, either from happiness or sorrow. I just know that I am destined for something great. It would be nice if my movie is a romantic comedy and there is a happily ever after in my future but something tells me I am more of a "Thelma and Luise" kinda girl. Basically regardless of the genre my story will be remembered.

I want to live my life and experience things that take my breath away. I want a great love, the kind that Carrie was speaking about in the last episode of Sex and the City.

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

I want that kind of love, the one that shortens distances and makes you do stupid things. The love that makes you float above the ground. I want to be in the arms of a man and not realize that there is other life going on outside of our embrace. I want to kiss in public and not care if anyone is watching. I want to fall in love and never fall out of it.

The problem is that all of the listed above can only happen if I take a chance, the chance that I haven't been fully given yet. If it's meant to be, it will be effortless, like finding the puzzle piece I have been missing. I won't have to wonder if I found the one I was looking for, I will know when it fits!

The Guy in White Pants

2007-11-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

Here is the story that starts way back...way way back...

1989-1990

When I was growing up I spent every summer in a rented house in the country. River, board games, card readings and boys...well what do you expect when there are 3 teenage girls hanging out together. Yes there were three of us and I was the youngest, by 3 years which was huge age difference when one is 11 and the rest are 14.

Neither one of us actually had a boyfriend but we sure did talk a whole lot about the opposite sex, hormones raging and all. Yes, we were just three girls dreaming of one day we would fall in love. All the days were pretty much the same until one day when I walked out to the street in the morning and saw a cute, tanned guy in white pants heading towards me. That's the vision I still have in my mind, 17 years later and I still remember it as if it happened just a little while ago.

The guy in white pants was a friend of one of my girlfriends. He came up to me and asked me where he can find her, so together we walked to her house. I will never forget the look on her face, she was pale as a ghost. It turned out that this boy was in love with her and actually came all the way to our summer haven to see her. If that isn't the most romantic thing I have ever seen a 14 year old boy do for a girl, I don't know what is.

We all immediately fell for the guy in white pants. He was handsome, funny, and well he was the only handsome, funny guy who wanted to hang out with us, three dorky little girls. He always treated me with a certain tenderness, probably because I was so much younger, I was only 11 or 12. I was infatuated with all the attention but of course I knew better, he was completely in love with my friend. That still didn't stop my heart from breaking when I saw them kissing at a bus stop.

I don't remember now but I think we were friends for a couple of summers and then life took us all in different directions. We all lost touch.

So the story brings us to now...

2007

Of all the joys of the internet, reuniting with old friends is by far the most incredible. It is nostalgic and emotional. It brings back memories and hopes for the future.

I was looking for my girlfriends from all those years ago and was having a hard time locating one of them. Without any hesitation I looked up the guy in white pants, uh-huh I remembered his full name but for the sake of anonymity I will not reveal it in this post. I sent him an email that basically asked if he remembered me? To my huge surprise not only did he remember me, but he had a picture of the two of us from 1990. The cliche is "a picture says a thousand words" and it did! I couldn't believe that I made such an impression on this boy 17 years ago that he would actually keep my photo for all this time. I was incredibly flattered.

He told me that the girl he was so in love with back then is now married and lives in Paris. That didn't surprise me, I knew she was France-bound all along.

So our paths crossed yet again. Is this story to be continued? Only time will tell.

Top 20 Twitter Favorites - 11.19.07

2007-11-19T10:40:00.000-08:00

Taken from my favorites list on Twitter. You might be quoted there!

Anna Volkova Neta_insane #status Очередной пинок под задницу. Эй, Вселенная, давай договариваться.

а меня Маша зовут... myVision @slaff не доверяем маркетологам, сволочи подарки дарят а потом говорят что мы взятки берём! (re: new girl in marketing) ...

slaff slaff @myVision не удивлен :). у такой мамы и при таком дедушке ;)

hochu_na_ruchki hochu_na_ruchki Все по домикам бегут, Чай с плюшками пьют, Машенька работает, Все сделать срочно надо.. ...

Apple Aksinya aksinya иногда второй смысл своих фраз понимаешь сильно позже того, как сказал их)

Anna Volkova Neta_insane Мозг и тело - два отдельных существа, функционирующих в связке.

Felicity OhFelicity I hate it when I send a person the wrong text!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Поэтому всех людей, разумеется, надо убить.

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Жизнь была бы лучше, если их всех убить.

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пойти покурить? Пойти покурить!

Felicity OhFelicity I'm on my way home, but I'd rather stay here!

ed adkins edadkins I thinlk I figured out why I love saturdays so much- I hate sobriety

MaRishA Lucertola I noticed one thing - now i write to twitter only when i'm drunk. And as one of my bosses says 'eto ne good '. Such a sad thing ;-(

Number One numberone твиттер-твиттер, ты живой?

Apple Aksinya aksinya и откуда только все эти бабочки внутри меня...

Girlsnap babygirlxo omigosh i missed my twitter

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru меня насторожило появление дорожного знака "одностороннее движение" при въезде на кладбище. ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru -Расскажи что-ниубдь веселое. -Из своей жизни? -Нет, веселое.

Fractalknife fractalknife #life стоило переехать в офисе в другую комнату, как обрадовали скорой перспективой обратного переселения ...

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Добрутро... Как меня заебали звонки с вопросом — «Это аптека?».

Flying Above the Ground

2007-11-17T17:45:00.000-08:00

As some of you may have noticed most of my latest posts have been border-line depressing and while I am not stupid and very cautious of my heart I still managed to get myself into the candy rain yet again. OMG it feels so good when all the fears dissolve and a strong, deep voice of a sexy man gently tells you to set the worries aside.

Romance and possibility of love are intoxicating.

Everything feels unreal.

Let's see how it all works out.

20 Latest Twitter Favorites - 11.14.07

2007-11-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

Taken from my favorites list on Twitter. About 50/50 English/Russian. These are hot!

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Лучшая шуба - это стакан водки.

FanXFire FanXFire Кто-то работает, кто-то просыпается, кто-то отдыхает, кто-то ложится.. А я, тем временем, влюбился =) ...

Roman Y. Bogdanov brjppru Не нужно бороться с темнотой, нужно зажечь свет

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM День только начался, а меня уже успели заебать.

Todd Kelley toddkelley @myVision - excellent post. You nailed it perfectly

Girlsnap babygirlxo I dream of twitter.

Артём Soulmate soulmate Вьетнамцы ходят во вьетнамках.

Alice Bradley finslippy If you want to feel good about yourself, go to the liquor store at noon on a weekday.

Aimster drivingmecrazy i am going to hell. Anyone wanna bring marshmallows?

Gody Gody Just read an article that before the news sites could post anything about the earthquake the news was all over Twitter. That is AWESOME! :)

i heart quotes iheartquotes You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down. -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пока меня не было на работе какая-то сука отформатировала компьютер. Это пиздец. Найду — убью. ...

Todd Kelley toddkelley Why does being Black mean you're one step under in 'class' but one step over in 'cool'?

а меня Маша зовут... myVision I am the cause of my own unhappiness - blaming it on others is irresponsible

i heart quotes iheartquotes I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Shafiq Jetha sjetha The more black and white you make the world, the more the grey stands out.

Nearbird nearbird You could be my unintended Choice to live my life extended You could be the one I'll always love You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions You could be the one I'll always love

Todd Kelley toddkelley resurfacing... sticking my head out... making sure the danger is gone...

Vika merely "Но я до сих пор не умею прощаться, С теми, кого я любил"

Никита Бегун ELIZIUM Пришел спам с темой «Уничтожим всех, кто вам мешает!».

Breaking a Wall or Bloddy Knuckles?

2007-11-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

Why is it that once you stop caring about something or someone, an event occurs to bring it all back? You just managed to let go of your hurt feelings and BOOM you are forced to relive the pain all over again. It might have taken you a long time to move on or maybe you just made the decision and finally stuck to it, and now everything you were so sure of is uncertain and right in front of you to be dealt with again.

It's a cruel twist of faith. You are given a challenge, it feels like the little devil on your shoulder is asking "are you really sure you don't want to give it another shot?" and the angel on the other side is rebutting "you did it once, if it didn't work the first time it won't this time, why get yourself hurt again".

You are forced into the position where you have to decide between wrong and right, but who knows which one is which. Is the angel really the good guy or is he the one who is just holding you back from taking a chance that can change your life for the better? Is taking a chance really that bad? And what about the devil, he is so determined to push you into something that you know feels so good but can end so bad?

So what do you do? You can hit the brick wall enough times in hope that it falls down eventually or you can just make your knuckles bleed.

Cold Shot of Reality

2007-11-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

Today feels like another bad day but I actually think that it's opposite of that. Sometimes what defines a good day is not a happy event but the one that makes you look at life from a different perspective. Life is not what it is right now but what it's gonna be from this point on.

Over the last few months I have been living in some sort of daze. I am partially responsible for putting myself in that state of mind, ok maybe I even carry more than 50% of responsibility. It was good like a pink mist, but fake. It was a mirage, an illusion and I knew it all along. I chose to ignore common sense and forced myself to see something that wasn't there. I did it out of need for something new and hopeful. The post I wrote last Friday was about hope, well now I am realizing that there was none. I made it all up because it felt good.

This week was hard because the pink mist was slowly drying out and I started seeing the harsh greyness of the reality which came to it's peak today when I got an email which to me was a cold shot of reality. It was a copy/paste from some article online that someone thought I would get a kick out of. It had a much different effect on me. It hurt at first but then it was kind of refreshing. I felt liberated in ways. I am not gonna reveal the words that are so clear in my head, their meaning actually, but I will say that now I feel grounded and I can move forward without holding my breath.

So there was no hope, so what...I am stronger than that, and so I go on "stand-by" mode of my life again.

The pink mist is gone. I didn't ask for it in the first place.

Attack of the Christmas Tree

2007-11-08T13:35:00.000-08:00

I am not sure what happenned overnight in the city (San Francisco) but apparently Santa has come by. There are Christmas trees, bows, gift-wrapping paper everywhere. Even in Starbucks I got my cinnamon dolce latte in a holiday cup, I almost dropped my coffee. I seriously started having an anxiety attack; my breathing got heavy and vision blurry. It is only November 8th, we are still 3 weeks away from Thanksgiving and all this madness is already upon us. Christmas is a great holiday for the kids but for adults, especially those like yours truly whose family is not the desirable bunch to cuddle with and roast marshmallows, it becomes a huge and a very expensive pain in the ass.

It all started dawning on me; the work schedule is insane till end of year, need to get ready for my trip...OMG...my trip is now becoming a stress factor. I don't have everything that I need, no gifts for my friends and I am still not 100% sure where I will be staying at. Oh yeah, and my money is kinda funny.

I will make it, I always do but why is this holiday metamorphosed from a joyous day to a over commercialized, incredibly stressful time of the year. I don't like and don't want Christmas. I am scared of it.

Discussing on Twitter

2007-11-07T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am a big twitterhead . I communicate through Twitter for many reasons; to meet new people, network, learn what's happening in the world and the wide web, even voyeur. Twitter is my sin, it gives me something I don't get elsewhere. I see how the topics of twits change daily. Since I follow both Russian and American, even a few European twitterers I get to see the views from different ends of the world. People discuss a large variety of topics, anything from the obvious hot gadget like iPhone to peejays and get this, sexy stockings with strings. Yes! That topic dominated the twitter board on my screen all day yesterday. People flirted and got silly from across the world.

On the other side of the spectrum I noticed a not so happy subject that took dominance across the board on Twitter lately. Loneliness
"от одиночества умирают?" (translated: Can you die from loneliness?). Someone asked that today and it made me think...I don't know? Can you? There are men and women out there who are alone right now, some of them are all by themselves and others have someone who should be close to them but really they are the furthest away. There are those who are looking for love, and those who are just thinking about it, putting their thoughts down in a blog post. We are just lonely soles lost in the virtual world, and we find some comfort in it. I know I do.

New Page in My Book

2007-11-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

I am full of mixed emotions. It's very new for me to go through so many ups and downs back to back.

It all started in June. Someone came into my life, a ghost from the past with a hope for the future. So many new feelings stirred up inside of me, good and bad all mixed in one funnel cloud. At times I am filled with excitement and hope and with all that ecstasy comes fear. Mostly it's the fear of the unknown, fear of letting go of something stable even though it's the cause of my unhappiness. I haven't had hope for a very long time. Before June my life was very monotone, hate to admit it but I found certain comfort in that. When someone asked me what my plans were, I always had a solid answer, my life was very predictable. Nothing has physically changed yet but emotionally I am on a whole different level.

I am taking it a day at a time, doing my best to keep the negative feelings away, feelings such as boredom and hopelessness with occasional pings of jealousy. I want to be happy and I feel like I have a chance, it's a very slim chance but that's all I got and it is a whole lot more than what I had in my old predictable life. I am on a new page and I am gonna make the best of it if it kills me.

The Story of the Quake

2007-10-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

I live in the San Francisco / Bay Area which is a quake country. I moved here in 1999 and experienced many earthquakes, averaging about 4 every year. There is always a story to tell and it is never dramatic for me, just a great water-cooler talk the day after.

Here is my pre-Halloween quake story.

My son and I were on the way back home from the gym. The gym is in Pacifica and we live in South City which is a good 10 minute drive. We were detouring through San Bruno (neighboring city) in order to go to Subway for some quick dinner. Love those tuna sandwiches!!!! Anyway, we were waiting for the light to turn green so we can pull into the parking lot, tummys growling. A good work out will do that to you! :) I felt the car shaking and my first thought was on my trouble-making youngster.

me: "AJ stop shaking the car!" (thinking he is kicking my leather seats like always)
AJ: "I am not shaking the car!"
me: "Is it the wind?"
me: "It doesn't look like it's windy"

hmmm ok whatever

10 minutes later in Subway my phone rings

me: "Hello"
J: "Did you feel it?"
At that moment it clicked in my head and...
me: "AH! That was an earthquake!!!!"
everyone in Subway: "There was an earthquake???"
AJ: "Mom, I told you I wasn't shaking the car!"

Everyone started laughing.

So this is another funny quake story. No one got hurt, no damage (not in my area at least). I am not afraid of earthquakes, you have to get used to them living in the Bay Area, but I am a bit weary about being stuck in an elevator or in a tunnel while on BART. My biggest fear is not knowing if my son is ok, not being able to reach him.

Yesterday's earthquake was not minor but not huge either (5.6), nothing like Loma Prieta earthquake of 1989 when the Bay Bridge collapsed and 62 people died. The next "big one" is expected on the Hayward fault. It hits on average once every 140 years, and well it's been 139 since it hit there last. I just hope that me and my loved ones will be ok, that's all I can do.

Keep it Growing

2007-10-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

There is so much negativity in this world and I feel that every chance we get to make something positive we need to use it. This can be a large scale analogy; helping the poor, world peace, volunteering etc. I am all for the above listed but what I am specifically referring to the relationships between men and women.

There are so many conflicts that can be avoided by simply not playing games, being patient and understanding. When two people first meet they don't really know what sets the other one off so the game-players use that to their advantage. They test and push till the other person has had enough and at that point it can either backfire or give them the power in the relationship. If the power is allocated, the way for this relationship has basically been set.

Why are we dooming our chance for happiness before we even got to experience it?

Relationships are most fragile when they are first born. That seed needs to be nourished and be taken care of, with all of the gentleness and love for it to grow. Some feel that every action has a reaction, and rather than becoming selfless for the purpose of something long-lasting, they take every chance they get to set their ground.

Let's remember that only real love can make a relationship last, and real love is pure and kind. Love doesn't play games but instead it is sincere and honest emotion that is a gift not to be taken for granted.

Live, laugh, love

why not...

you deserve to be happy

Connecting...

2007-10-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

In today's world of email, im, skype, mobile phones and the all-merging twitter, communication becomes a defining factor in relationships. Being in a long-distance love affair doesn't seem so crucial anymore, all you have to do is log on and BOOM your sweetheart from the other side of the planet is in your living room. It's that easy! The problem is that we become dependent on that line of communication to fuel our relationships.

It's great to get home in the evening from a long day at the office, log on to your skype account, and chat with a friend for whom the day is just starting. Even better to share pictures, MP3s, video etc instantly. People are becoming connected not just electronically but emotionally. I think it's a false perception of closeness.

Our relationships become defined by IM statuses.

online - I love you! I miss you! I want to talk to you!

away - I don't want to be bothered! I am mad at you! I am testing you

busy - I really am busy, if you take it personally that's your bad

offline - I really don't give a damn! I don't want to talk to anyone!

We are happy when we see the stupid green icon and we get annoyed when it turns red. We make life-altering decisions based on an illusion. We are human. We need to touch, smell, talk while looking in your partner's eyes. It's nice when you write a post about your bad day and someone leaves a sympathetic comment, but it's nothing comparing to a simple hug.

Tears

2007-10-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

I always feel helpless when I see someone crying, especially a stranger. They are everywhere; walking down the street, standing on the corner, riding on the train. They are always women, never really seen a man cry in public, don't really want to. Sometimes there is someone there consoling her but most of the time she is alone, so lost in her own grief, so blinded by the tears.

I see the pain all over her face, her eyes speak volumes. She lost someone, was betrayed, disrespected, offended. She lives in this moment but she can't separate herself from the anguish of what's gotten her here, what triggered the tears rolling down her cheeks. The painful fire is in her eyes but it comes from deep within, all the way from her core, her soul. Her emotions are overpowering and she could care less if anyone is watching. She wants to drown in the pain and not exist right now. How could this happen to her? Why is the world so cruel?

I always wonder what it is that she is going through. I can't help her. I won't smile and try to look sympathetic. I will briefly glance out of the corner of my eye and look away, giving her privacy but my thoughts are on her, with her. I am mentally embracing her pain and selfishly thanking God that right now I am not her. One day it will be me and if you see me hurt and crying please don't stare, let me deal with my pain as it rolls over me, just let me be.

Conflicts and Resolutions

2007-10-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

I am a strong believer in conflict resolution, meaning there is no need to bitch, whine and complain, if there is a problem I will fix it and move on. Life is basically too short for negativity brought on by others.

There has been numerous conflicts where I played a starring role, nothing drastically major but just pretty much anything ranging from a silly fight with a friend to a brutal road rage. Every one of those conflicts I handled as best as I could. Sure, I pushed a chickenhead into a pool because she was trying to steal my boyfriend, and threw a cup of soda at an asshole who flipped me off and called me the "B" word, but not once did I call the police or snitched anyone out. Basically I don't start a fight unless I can finish it without involvement of authority.

I am a peaceful person and really like when everyone gets along but if a conflict arises regardless of fault don't go running to mommy telling on me, come to me like an adult and tell it to my face. If you can't do that, you are coward. Don't be a fucking coward.

Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to but I am angry. Right now I am at war and even though it feels so much better to rebuttal and sink down to my opponent's level, I am not going to do that because I have principles, yes I have integrity. I will be the bigger person and handle the situation like a real woman. I will try. Tomorrow. But for now I just feel like saying "biatch, you don't know who you are fucking with!"

Dark Side

2007-10-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days when the dark side of my being is taking over. I am feeling down, even sad. There is no specific reason for that or maybe there are too many. It feels like recently my life has been following a rocky path: home, work, love, friends etc. Sure I have a ton of great adventures ahead to look forward to, but today they all seem too far away, too unreachable. My dreams appear to be foolish, goals unreasonable, future uncertain.

My greatest fear is loneliness and today I feel alone. The sensible part of my mind knows that it's not true, but the emotional, overwhelmingly predominant part of me is taking over.

I am strong and this is just a bad day. It will end and there will be another better one tomorrow. It's a cycle of life. I am on the dark stripe today and with all my strength reaching for the lighter one.

Thank You

2007-10-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

From experience brought by the difficulty I have relating to most people I conclude that I am not an easy person to get along with. I am loud, demanding of attention, love to talk shit about people (strangers and otherwise) etc...but I am a good person. I am caring, kind and really the best friend one can have if they let me be that. I also can be the worst enemy, and in some cases my relationships with others went from best to worst.

Most people don't want to see past my rough exterior therefore they don't get the benefit of knowing the real me. I intimidate people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just me and quite frankly those who can't accept me for who I really am, can go where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I have are real. There are a few people in my life who I refer to as "girlfriends" or "homies" but not all of them are my real friends. I do have a million acquaintances and sometimes random people even recognize me on the street, but I can honestly say that I can count all my real true friends using my fingers.

I love you Mary, Erin, Raya, Erica

These gals seen me at my worst time and not once did they judge me for it. Whenever I was at my lowest low they were there for me, just being there and them supporting me was all that I needed, all that mattered.

Thank you AJ

My wonderful little boy. It's because of him I turned my life around. Becoming a mother was the greatest experience and I thank my son for it. He is my best friend. On the bad days he is the reason I get out of bed in the morning and on he good ones I share all my joys with him. He is only 7 years old, yet we talk about life, love, friendships and everything in between. He is my love, my sunshine, my everything.

Thank you Jerome

When my friend was gunned down and murdered this man held me while I wept. He let me cry in his arms till there were no tears left and for that I am forever thankful.

Thank you Igor

Thank you just for being you. Laughing with you is really what makes me stay sane at work most days.

Thank you Сева

When I felt that I was loosing the understanding of who I am and where I come from, this man sent me a picture of me and him sitting next to each other 17 years ago. He remembered me and I started to remember who I really am.

Thank you Ира, Эля

When I wanted to forget, they didn't. They came back into my life remembering all the childhood memories we shared.

Thank you cousin Natasha

When I felt confused trying to justify my own wrongful actions, she made me see that there is actually nothing wrong with what I am doing, that I am just following my heart and searching for happiness.

Thank you Mom and Dad

When I was in trouble, they always got me out of it. They supported and loved me as much as they physically could.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa

Last but not least my grandma and grandpa deserve the biggest "thank you" in the world. They raised me, fed me, cleaned me, and loved me absolutely unconditionally. My grandpa passed away and I will never be able to let go of that pain. My grandma still stands as strong as her age allows her. God bless.

It is the greatest joy to have people who truly care and love you. Don't take them for granted. Love them, listen to them, be the one they can lean on. Life is hard and we need to be strong, strength comes from being together.

My Way Back Home - part 1

2007-10-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

San Francisco is undoubtedly my home but let's look back...way back to 1978 - 1992

I was born in Moscow (Москва) on September 24th 1978. I lived the first 13 years of my life in the city that's one of the greatest and most beautiful, the city that is the capital (столица) of the ever majestic Russian Federation (Российская Федерация).

The summer when my childhood ended and teen era started was the same summer I moved to United States. The only life that I knew was immediately a part of my past and another path was ahead, waiting for me to embark upon.

This photo is the last image of my childhood, a moment truly frozen in time

I went back to Moscow in 1998 (6 years post my move) and it was amazing, very different experience from my life in California but a pleasantly unforgettable one.

9 more years went by and I had a son, got a college degree and started a successful career.

It's time to go back home and see it with the eyes of a woman whose heart will always be in that city, a mother who wants her son to love it just as much as her, a friend who misses those who never forgot her and are anxiously waiting to reunite.

I am going back.
We are going for a vacation this winter, me and my son.

to be continued...

Don't hate the Player, hate the Game

2007-10-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

How it starts
Two people get in contact and find themselves interested in one another. In today's world this happens in a number of ways (below are the most common ones):

random meeting in person
coworkers taking it outside the office
friends who take it one step further
finding an old classmate / friend / love interest online (i.e. myspace)

Personal information gets exchanged and so the game begins.

"to contact or not to contact"
Once one person has the other persons info (mobile, email etc) the first most obvious game is "to contact or not to contact". Since we are talking about two people who are attracted to one another, chances are the contact will happen to get the feel of a possible affair, relationship etc. There have been really strange cases when this didn't happen but that's another post ;)

"the business card"
One contacts the other and most commonly the first conversation is lengthy flirtatious, and amusing. They talk, laugh and build up an image of themselves for the other person. This is not the realistic persona, it's the made-up one that exaggerates the good qualities and hides the bad. We'll call this game "the business card". Topics that are discussed vary in theme (outlooks on life, career, family etc). Most of the things that are said are either bullshit or they are said cautiously with the hope of the other party understanding and relating. I think that this is a critical part of the new relationship because this is where the boundaries are drawn or erased and walls are built or broken.

"true or false"
They've been talking for a week or two and the relationship is moving along. They email, talk on the phone, and if the relationship is not long-distance go on dates. Instead of them getting to know each other, they are really playing the game of "true or false" and here is where each one analyzes the "business card" persona and decides just how much of it is fake. This can last weeks or even a couple of months (depending on frequency). After finding out the negatives hidden behind the "business card" they each make a decision if the other person is worth their time and if they choose to continue the relationship they have to accept the other's flaws. That can be difficult.

"1 out of 2"
A couple of months have gone by and they are seeing the actual person underneath the "business card" and the attraction. This is a critical part to a relationship because it can get boring and grow cold. A number of games are played during this time but we will unite them under one title "1 out of 2". They are not single anymore, each is a half and if the relationship is working they come together and become stronger, happier, productive. If you are blessed with that kind of a relationship it could very well lead to real love and marriage. Let's face it, usually this is not the goo-goo gaa-gaa as I was making it sound, usually here things get rocky. This happens mostly because the initial lust have subsided and they are both wanting to bring it back so they start to play:

ones calls don't get answered, or there is too much time in between
the IM status gets set to "away" or "busy" just to make the other person wonder "wtf?"
accusations of cheating thrown in each others face just to see how the other reacts
already asked questions get asked again for reassurance stirring up frustrations
mood changes, they are all of sudden not that happy to see each other and those negative traits that they each have accepted in "true or false" and previously hidden by the "business card" are now the source of irritation

I can go on with the list but I will end this post here. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but I write from experience. This sort of a relationship (if you can even call it that) has happened to me a number of times and after dissecting the circumstances of its ending, I realized that each one had a different reason for falling apart. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe it's my purpose to experience heartache and share it with my readers but I do know that I deserve to be loved and I am hoping that one day I will meet a man who will be honest and melt the ice that has covered my heart by warming it with love, understanding, sympathy and tenderness. The man who will accept me for who I am and there will be no need for games.

Boys, there is no need for games!

2007-10-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

Men always say that "women love to play games" but the reality is that men play just as many if not more games than women. I don't know maybe it's just the men in my life, my "game-playing-type", maybe men just love to fuck with my head but I find myself constantly figuring out the moves and actions of the opposite sex.

Why can't it just be simple? Be honest, accept the other person for who they are and just keep it real. There is no need to say one thing while meaning another. There is so much time wasted on wondering "why" and "what does that mean" with an occasional "did I do something wrong?".

If you like someone - tell them, if you feel that fire inside of you - be brave, kiss them, if you are feeling that fire coming from the one you like - let it consume you, if you think there is a possibility of something great - don't let time and distance stop you from exploring it, if you think they love another - let it go, if you wonder why - ask them, if you don't like the answer - shame on you.

Wondering

2007-10-05T22:25:00.001-07:00

I sit and think about being an adult...
I think my adulthood started in April of 1999, that's when I got pregnant. My son changed my life, only for the better. I know that the only reason I am where I am is because of him. I had to grow up when I learned there was a life growing inside of me. First thing I did on my 18th birthday was buy a pack of cigarettes, on my 21st birthday I was pregnant, it was my faith.

He is almost 8. He will celebrate his 8th birthday in the same city where I celebrated my childhood birthdays. Moscow. It's a big deal. I haven't been back in 9 1/2 years.

My mom is in deep depression. It kills a piece of me everyday. I stand strong but sometimes everything inside of me collapses. She is in the hospital tonight. The doctor said she had a mini-heart-attack. I am not sure what that is. How can a person have a mini-heart-attack? Anything that has to do with a persons heart is major. I have a really difficult relationship with my mom, she is my "greatest grief". I am so sad for my family. I can't help them. My mom suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I can't help her. I know that eventually she will take everybody (who let's her) down with her. I will not let her do that to me.

This is my first blog post. I will try to stick to this commitment of posting regularly.