I was so hurt when the clock announced it's 2008. My heart got stepped all over and it took me a little more than three months to sort through my pain and move on. I abstained from talking about it for the most part simply because I found no relief from reciting my pain over and over again. As a matter of fact I got to the point where I felt physically sick from that sad story.
Time heals and only with time I realized that my almost-love was never anything close to the concept. There was no love, only a distraction from reality. I was equally wrong for letting my feelings grow when there was no soil to spread the roots. Now that I look back I see an overwhelming amount of red flags. On a sober head they are so visible but when I was drunk on love I chose to ignore them, I was blinded by all the emotions in hope for the best. The best never happened but on the other hand it couldn't have turned out better (well in a fairy tale it could have). I am stronger and wiser now, at least I would like to think that I am. I hope not to make same mistakes again but I am sure I will.
It's so amazing how everything is so clear now. Once my heart let go of the pain I wasn't afraid to sort through the whole ordeal anymore, I became brave enough to say his name out loud. I am a very proud person and I think that pride and stubbornness that I possess kept me from making additional foolish mistakes.
I know now that what happened wasn't neither one of ours fault or it was mine as much as it was his. He could have behaved like a man and not a coward but I am not going to judge him. I am not mad at him anymore, and if I ever run into him I might even smile and say 'Hello'.
I have a friend who is now going through a similar break-up. Well they are never too similar but I try to tell him about what I learned, and even though I know he is in pain and totally confused he will sort through all that shit just like I did. Time is the ultimate healer.
Everyone has had a bruised heart. You have to give yourself time and everything will fall into place, you might even be able to love and trust again. In the meanwhile be with your friends, make new ones, read, write... let the time pass with a meaning. You will not find an answer crying into your pillow nor at the bottom of the bottle. Look at it as not an end but a new beginning. I did and I am a new person now.
I think I will be alright.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Pain is no longer mine
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5 comments:
So, I guess, that's what is called the Acceptance stage.
> I try to tell him about what I learned
Are you sure that is what he wants? You know, I still can't figure this answer out, and I this happened to quite a while ago. Does one in pain actually need support? Will the outcome differ, if there is help from someone else?
Just make a rapid glance back at yourself 3 months ago. Weren't you the only all around to face this pain?
Well he is actually the one my previous post was about. He is linked to me in more ways than one and I am sensing him leaning to me for advice. He sends me sms saying "I'm confused, it doesn't make sense". He needs comfort. I guess I needed it too when I was going through my hell but no one said anything that made any sense to me. So I say to him to just take some time and let himself heal and in time he will get his answers if they even matter then. Who knows. I will be sure to blog about it though ;)
You have reached another step, it is natural that you are seeing similarities between your and other's lives.
He sends you an SMS looking for advice and comfort? Put the other way: he is trying to attract you by opening up his 'vulnerabilities', establishing mental bond.
Even if he is hurt and in need of redemption, he still needs to get through with it.. it's just a part of growing up.
In my experience most men act without thinking of consequences, actually that was the core of my heartache. I believed in empty words that a man told me without merit. By my friend...umm what can I say, he is trying to attract me possibly without even intending it on the surface. I know why too but him and I...well how can I put it...for now all we can be is friends and that's a conscious decision on my part. He needs to find himself, his own words.
Наши с ним отношения имеют очень не несложное объяснение. Наша связь безумно проста. Мы оба Москвичи живущие в Америке понимая все недостатки этой страны, ну и друг друга. А кроме этого никакой основы для отношений нет, ну вот так у нас и есть дружба. Во что она превратиться, посмотрим. В моей жизни я сделала кучу ошибок и в связи с этим такую-же кучу выводов, один из них "опасаться беспочвенных отношений". Я вижу многое, с моей и его точки зрения, так вот пока он страдает я только могу ему сказать пару дружеских слов. Он всё равно пока ещё болеет ей.
and very precisely noted "It's all a Part of Growing Up" - I titled my blog with thought :)
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